September 30, 2004

A New Beginning

Seal Beach from the pier looking south towards the Naval Weapons Station. The area where the water dips into the shore just above the trash can is the infamous 2nd sink, where the rip tide can pull the unwary out to sea...


Lord
I crawled
across the barreness
to You
with my empty cup
uncertain
in asking
any small drop
of refreshment

If only
I had known You
better
I'd have come
Running
With a bucket.

Sometimes I think
If people
had any idea of
How wonderful You are
They'd be fighting
for a place in line
Just to get near You, God

O, God of Second Chances
and New Beginings

Here I am again....

by Nancy Speigelberg

Yes...this is me...again and again and again...for He is new every morning...Great is His Faithfulness to me.

September 29, 2004

O To Grace, How Great A Debtor~revised~

Foggy sunset on the "flats" at Seal Beach. Brown Pelicans and gulls circling in...


"Its so cold, and where did the heavy fog come from?" she thought as she got out of her car and walked toward the pier, just as she did every Thursday. "I called the Harbor Masters office and they said it was beautiful out." She went to therapy on Thursdays. Two hours of group, and a hour of individual, a grueling event for most, but a life line of sanity in a insane life that was imploding around her...

The pier divides the beach into two sides, and the currents in conjunction with the two long breakwaters created two very different topographical areas, the northern half,"The flats" where most swimming and surfing takes place, as well as a windsurfing area off limits to swimmers, and the southern side where huge piles of sand had been heaped against the tide and the rip currents created wonderful waves for more experienced surfers. But it had also created "sinks" depressions that could be quite deep that filled with water. These were also the places where the rip tide could haul the unwary out to sea should you not be careful when swimming there. Beyond the south beak water is the firing range for the Seal Beach Naval Weapons Station, not a place to be swept into even on a clear day for normally there is a destroyer positioned in the bay...

She is thinking only of the day. Her boss in a rage threw a bundle of drawings at her, the heavy clip holding them together dug a gouge out of the plaster of the wall, where she had ducked to get out of the way...he could have hurt her, Drunk again," she thought "Story of my life"... She needed this job, it paid little, but it provided food and gas for the car, and the five dollars a week token payment that Amy the counselor lady asked for. A very small price for a listening ear. Someone to help her sort out all of the decisions that had to be made. For since both of her men had left, B. in July and J. two weeks prior, all was falling to her and she wasn't sure what to do. How to pay the mortgage when her whole months wages didn't begin to cover the payment. Was J coming back, should she try to list and sell the house and for how much and where would she go as the family made it clear that the things that had gone on in her life and her love for two men were disgusting to them and she was not welcome to come home.

She reached up and scratched her head. The short broken off hair itched... The burnt scalp was peeling. Two weeks ago she had beautiful knee length hair, which she had spiral permed into soft ringlets... When it was time for the touchup no thought was given to it until 5 minutes into the operation when he head felt like fire and the solution was washed out. Three days later, her supervisor, who was a kind old man, and loathed the drunkard that he had to work for, called her into the office and had his secretary cut the remaining hair off, for it was breaking off and leaving a trail wherever she walked, and advised her to "wear a bandanna until it grows out...It will look ok on the dock and I will explain"...She thanked him, and wondered if life was going to continue to go down hill...

"This was just the latest," she thought, as she reached the sand and walked to the southern side of the beach. "First the earthquake that ruined our home, then the accident that crippled J and left him unnerved, then B came back into our lives and we got all caught up in cruising again and I know that messed things up. Why did J let him move in? So I would fall crazy in love again and leave ...I know the answer...Cause he was crazy in love with him and wanted to prove he wasn't...So he'd have reason to dispose of me for that chick that he's hung up on now... What do I do now?..."

She walks slowly, the fog is so think that it swirls around her like a living thing. She hears the cry of the seagull, and the roar of the ocean. She stops then quickly ducks as a Brown Pelican swoops over her missing her by just a few feet. A terror is building inside of her...the fog, the near miss, and the incessant voices in her head, always there, but louder at times like this, they are saying...

"Turn to the right", "Walk to the right"

"I am alone" she thought "for no one in this world wants me, not the way I have lived not the way that I look now...Used up, burnt out, useless, no skills other than those a hooker uses...Yeah that is what J said the other night on the phone when he called to tell me that all financial support was at an end and he wasn't bringing the artwork or any of the valuable stuff back. I could lump it and Id better come up with rent for his house cause he was throwing me out if I didn't come up with the money. Imagine a house with my name on it and he thinks he can throw me out? But what about what else he said, that "Id best be getting out into the street as that was all I was good for and that Id not be keeping this job"..After today maybe hes right...

"turn to the right." "Walk to the right"

Walking again...Better watch out, those sinks are out here could break my neck. She suddenly slid down 10 feet into the first sink. "Whoa, they have piled the berms up for the winter already," as she climbed back up to the top " Id better walk to the left a bit so I dont fall into number two, its usually deeper..."

Its been hard to be alone. For the first time in her life she is living alone. In some ways she was growing to love the new freedom, but at night, She and her cat Creature, lived in a scary house that sustained the heaviest damage in the 1987 Whittier Earthquake, in our city. That was a terrible day. B had just spent the first night with us and was getting up when at 7:42am the shock wave hit our house at the perfect angle. Amplified by our 25000 gal swimming pool that abutted the house it turned the 5.9 quake into an estimated 6.5, shoving the house and garage 3 degrees off center, destroying both fireplaces and damaging the garage so badly it had been redtagged, while the neighbors cleaned up spills, we had contractors out. Only the post office and old brick building, and the 5-605 interchange were in worse shape. "I knew I was going to die if the shaking hadn't stopped, and I knew that I was bound for hell as well for hadn't the Sunday School teachers always said that if you die in your sins unconfessed that you were hell bound?" She thought. Night after night the aftershocks poured in. The master bedroom was on a separate foundation and safer than the rest of the house and the three of us slept together holding hands like children in the dark afraid to sleep. We had all been badly traumatized by it. Now I was alone with it no place to go, not enough money to move out...

"Turn to the right, Walk to the right"

"Id be ok, if someone would love me, if someone would help me"... Another Pelican swooped down and seeing that it was a human quickly veered off, She lost her balance and stumbled, losing track of where she was in relation to the beach. The tears began to come. In the aching emptiness of soul she got up and walked crying furiously, not caring what was ahead. Hands pressed over her ears trying to hold down the incredible inner din of voices shrieking in her head...

Go to the right, walk to the right....

The ocean is roaring to the right. She is too close to the surf line and goes falling, tumbling into the deep gash of the second sink, the huge sand pit near the waterline...She lays there listening to the ocean and the voices and her own breathing and feels something around the edge of her mind. Something dreadful that she doesn't want to remember...

"Get up! Get up! and walk to the right..."

...It was a sunny day and she only meant to go to the pretty sparkling water but the wave came in and grabbed her and she was dragged out to sea in the rip tide. She remembers screaming "Mommy! Mommy!" and seeing her mother on the sands holding her baby brother in her arms. After an eternity the tide suddenly turns and she was brought back to shore and to her mother who scolded her for going out into the water.

"Get up! Walk to the right! You cheated us once but not this time!"

The voices inside of her head screamed in fury as this previously unknown incedent came to mind. She sobbed and in total dispair said "God, if you really are everywhere are you here?..."

Out of the fog came a voice that said "I AM"






The Seal Beach Peir shot from the 2nd sink

She sits up so quickly sand flies in every direction. "You are what?" she demanded then thought "Oh, this is great, you are really slipping now. Not only do you hear voices in your head, but you are hearing them outside your head as well. There is nobody out here, foolish enough to be walking out here in this fog but yours truly..." Then the voice returns and says

"I AM"

She likes the voice, it is a sound she could listen to the rest of her days and not grow tired of. Years later she will be asked if the voice is male or female, its more than that... its every beautiful sound you can ever imagine, like music, and it is pitched just above the roar of the surf, but not so loud as to be frightening. looking around she says "OK, enough of the joke, if soemone else is here, show yourself and help me out of the sink hole before the tide comes up." There is silence just the surf and the birds... She sighs and asks the fog " So You arent going to help me?" and rolling out of the fog came The Voice again

"I AM"

Something gnaws at her. Something from the past, from time so long before that she had nearly forgotten about it. It was before the past 10 years of searching and struggling for purpose and meaning, looking for acceptance and love with men and parties and money and drugs and a lifestyle that shamed her even as she sat on the beach in the damp fog. It was before the incedents that shredded what little faith that she had in a God and in people, as she struggled in a upbringing that was viewed as pitiful by outsiders, and criminally neglectful by others, but nothing was ever done about it. The memory is of songs and stories at a church that was like a warm home in a storm, but that was before the boy and the stairwell and the denial that such a thing could happen in their church and didnt I come from that basket case family with the mad drunken father and the mad church lady mother and the wild brother? I must be crazy too and Id best leave and not come back until I repented of the lie I was telling...

Yes that was when I decided that God didint really exist and that it was a lie. That being a Christian was a lie and the bible was a book of stories as they said it was in school. But what did they say that Gods name was... and The Voice came out of the fog again....

"I AM"

Yes, that was it. This is GOD speaking... God... Well if I have lost my mind finally, I might as well make the best of it. "Ok, if you are God, and you are going to help me then answer me this. How come my life is such a mess? Why doesnt anyone love me and why do I have to deal with all of this? Tell me that! Why have you ignored me all of these years? Why did you let me get swept out to sea right here so long ago..."

In the silence that followed, she was taken back to that memory of being swept out to sea by the surf in the sink where she was sitting. She sees her mother standing on the shore watching her as the tide pulls her out. In later years she was told of the incedent that mother wouldnt put her brother down for fear that he would crawl out into the water after her and she would lose us both. That was suppose to be and acceptable explanation for the neglect. This rip tide never gives up the victims until days later when they wash up at the Weapons Station miles down shore. But not that day. That was a bonefide miracle. That a toddler would survive and be swept back in where she was taken by the tide... Only God could have done that

"God did you save me then?" she said quietly. Silence... Then one after another came the memories of other times, some very violent, others just stupid, right up to the morning of October 1 1987, When the massive quake rolled though her home, the large objects that barely missed her and the chimney bricks that fell. The fact that she had just been in the now condemned garage, where all of the boxes tools and things had fallen from the rafters. She had been saved more times than she knew...

"Are you still here, God"

"I Am"

She notices something else. The voices in her head have gone silent. For the first time in her concious life she doesnt hear many voices in her mind, just her own voice, her spirit is at peace. There is inner quiet. The aching emptiness still hurts but is not unbareable. Her mind is not spinning and insted seems to be tracking and mentaly she sees lists of things that need to be done...

"God, did you fix me? I dont feel broken any more..." "Hey I dont want you to leave once I go and I have to go cause Amy is waiting for me...Are you going to stay with me?"

The fog was lifting! A golden sun was peaking out from behind the clouds and as I stood there the beach and the peir was gilded with a light like I had not seen. I could see that if I faced the peir and walked to the right I could easily walk out of the sink, and up to the top of the high sand berm, and back towards the peir with no difficulty. Again that wonderful sound came to my ears.

"I AM"

She said "Yes, You Are..." and she began to laugh, Laugh like she had not laughed in so long. Laugh as tears are running down her face. Laugh for a unknown future that she was no longer afraid of.

She turned and looked at the 2nd Sink. From the top of the berm, it seemed as deep as the Grand Canyon while inside of it... "Are you sure, God? Maybe I am not worth the trouble its going to take to save me..." The sun began to warm her, drying the damp clothing and causing the sticking sands to drop away...The wind was blowing the last of the fog inland and like caressing song The Voice resounded

"I AM"

She walked to her car, climbed in and never looked back





From Seal Beach peir looking north westward towards the Long Beach Harbor/Port of Los Angeles. That is the Long Beach, California skyline in the distance...

Im sure that you have read this and said "Gee, thats a nice story, doesnt this belong on the blog you have for fiction?" Well, no as this is not fiction. This is my story, the retelling of an event that happened on this day September 29,1988 that completly changed my life. I went on to that counseling session and chuckled through the two hours of group, unable to explain to the others what was going on.
Once the left, Amy the social worker looked at me and said "OK what is so funny?" I said " You are not going to believe it..." and launched into the narrative that you have just read. Amy, an Observant Jew, kept scooting to the edge of her chair until she stood up and stared at me mouth agape..

"You have spoken with God, like Moses and the burning bush..." Amy said
"Yes, apperently so" I replied
"Well," Amy replied with no trace of disbelief and all sincerity, "what are you going to do.."
I repiled "Anything He tells me to. I believe that He will be with me. He promised."

I returned home. There was a note from J on a list of things to do that I had written and left on the table. He agreed to all of them from selling the house to my calling my lawyer and signed a note stating to whom in may concern that he would be agreeable to all terms that I negotiated. A first from a very prideful, controling person. I felt the nudge to go for it... to grab a hold of life

A few months prior to this Legal Aid had refered me to a lawyer "that takes cases like yours." and I met Ed, who was less concerned for the divorce and more concerned for my soul. He was an Elder at Hosanna Chapel (Calvary Chapel) of Bellflower. I do believe that his prayers led dierectly to the events of this day and to the future events that occured in my life. He is with our Lord now and I look forward to meeting him in heaven.

I sold the house as is in 30 days for a large profit. I found a home to move into that turned out to be owned by other Hosanna attendees. I lived there 6 years and flowered into the person you know today. I entered intensive counseling at BIOLA University and spent 5 years working out the many issuse in my life. Its a work in progress. My divorce from J was final in 1989, B showed up in my life just as Woody and I started dating, Woody told him to get lost more or less and he has. There have been many bumps in the road but for the most part there has been peace of mind. It was all Gods doing.

Miracles, signs and wonders have followed but also a lot of pain too. Its not easy to follow the narrow way, but it is the right way. I have never ceased to be glad for it. Even more so on the 15th anniversary of this event.

One thing that came about was learning how much I had learned as a child growing up Baptist. I had learned my Bible verses and the hymns, but I was 18 inches away from salvation. It was all in my head, not in my heart. It isnt about the "Sinners Prayer" attending church or how much you do for God. Its about relationship and trusting Him for everything. I know that salvation occured on that beach, because of the radical transformation of life that continues to be transformed day by day. Its all about Him,I only received the gift. Its all about Jesus...



Come, Thou Fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise!
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming toungues above
Praise His Name! Im fixed upon it,
Name of God's redeeming love!

Hither to Thy love has blessed me,
Thou has drawn me to this place
And I know Thy hand will lead me
Safely home by Thy good grace
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God
He to rescue me from danger
Bought me with His precious blood!

Oh,to grace, how great a debtor,
Duly Im constrained to be
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love!
Here's my heart, Lord take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above!

Robert Robertson 1758

Oh, To Grace, How Great a Debtor,

Foggy sunset on the "flats" at Seal Beach. Brown Pelicans and gulls circling in...


"Its so cold, and where did the heavy fog come from?" she thought as she got out of her car and walked toward the pier, just as she did every Thursday. "I called the Harbor Masters office and they said it was beautiful out." She went to therapy on Thursdays. Two hours of group, and a hour of individual, a grueling event for most, but a life line of sanity in a insane life that was imploding around her...

The pier divides the beach into two sides, and the currents in conjunction with the two long breakwaters created two very different topographical areas, the northern half,"The flats" where most swimming and surfing takes place, as well as a windsurfing area off limits to swimmers, and the southern side where huge piles of sand had been heaped against the tide and the rip currents created wonderful waves for more experienced surfers. But it had also created "sinks" depressions that could be quite deep that filled with water. These were also the places where the rip tide could haul the unwary out to sea should you not be careful when swimming there. Beyond the south beak water is the firing range for the Seal Beach Naval Weapons Station, not a place to be swept into even on a clear day for normally there is a destroyer positioned in the bay...

She is thinking only of the day. Her boss in a rage threw a bundle of drawings at her, the heavy clip holding them together dug a gouge out of the plaster of the wall, where she had ducked to get out of the way...he could have hurt her, Drunk again," she thought "Story of my life"... She needed this job, it paid little, but it provided food and gas for the car, and the five dollars a week token payment that Amy the counselor lady asked for. A very small price for a listening ear. Someone to help her sort out all of the decisions that had to be made. For since both of her men had left, B. in July and J. two weeks prior, all was falling to her and she wasn't sure what to do. How to pay the mortgage when her whole months wages didn't begin to cover the payment. Was J coming back, should she try to list and sell the house and for how much and where would she go as the family made it clear that the things that had gone on in her life and her love for two men were disgusting to them and she was not welcome to come home.

She reached up and scratched her head. The short broken off hair itched... The burnt scalp was peeling. Two weeks ago she had beautiful knee length hair, which she had spiral permed into soft ringlets... When it was time for the touchup no thought was given to it until 5 minutes into the operation when he head felt like fire and the solution was washed out. Three days later, her supervisor, who was a kind old man, and loathed the drunkard that he had to work for, called her into the office and had his secretary cut the remaining hair off, for it was breaking off and leaving a trail wherever she walked, and advised her to "wear a bandanna until it grows out...It will look ok on the dock and I will explain"...She thanked him, and wondered if life was going to continue to go down hill...

"This was just the latest," she thought, as she reached the sand and walked to the southern side of the beach. "First the earthquake that ruined our home, then the accident that crippled J and left him unnerved, then B came back into our lives and we got all caught up in cruising again and I know that messed things up. Why did J let him move in? So I would fall crazy in love again and leave ...I know the answer...Cause he was crazy in love with him and wanted to prove he wasn't...So he'd have reason to dispose of me for that chick that he's hung up on now... What do I do now?..."

She walks slowly, the fog is so think that it swirls around her like a living thing. She hears the cry of the seagull, and the roar of the ocean. She stops then quickly ducks as a Brown Pelican swoops over her missing her by just a few feet. A terror is building inside of her...the fog, the near miss, and the incessant voices in her head, always there, but louder at times like this, they are saying...

"Turn to the right", "Walk to the right"

"I am alone" she thought "for no one in this world wants me, not the way I have lived not the way that I look now...Used up, burnt out, useless, no skills other than those a hooker uses...Yeah that is what J said the other night on the phone when he called to tell me that all financial support was at an end and he wasn't bringing the artwork or any of the valuable stuff back. I could lump it and Id better come up with rent for his house cause he was throwing me out if I didn't come up with the money. Imagine a house with my name on it and he thinks he can throw me out? But what about what else he said, that "Id best be getting out into the street as that was all I was good for and that Id not be keeping this job"..After today maybe hes right...

"turn to the right." "Walk to the right"

Walking again...Better watch out, those sinks are out here could break my neck. She suddenly slid down 10 feet into the first sink. "Whoa, they have piled the berms up for the winter already," as she climbed back up to the top " Id better walk to the left a bit so I dont fall into number two, its usually deeper..."

Its been hard to be alone. For the first time in her life she is living alone. In some ways she was growing to love the new freedom, but at night, She and her cat Creature, lived in a scary house that sustained the heaviest damage in the 1987 Whittier Earthquake, in our city. That was a terrible day. B had just spent the first night with us and was getting up when at 7:42am the shock wave hit our house at the perfect angle. Amplified by our 25000 gal swimming pool that abutted the house it turned the 5.9 quake into an estimated 6.5, shoving the house and garage 3 degrees off center, destroying both fireplaces and damaging the garage so badly it had been redtagged, while the neighbors cleaned up spills, we had contractors out. Only the post office and old brick building, and the 5-605 interchange were in worse shape. "I knew I was going to die if the shaking hadn't stopped, and I knew that I was bound for hell as well for hadn't the Sunday School teachers always said that if you die in your sins unconfessed that you were hell bound?" She thought. Night after night the aftershocks poured in. The master bedroom was on a separate foundation and safer than the rest of the house and the three of us slept together holding hands like children in the dark afraid to sleep. We had all been badly traumatized by it. Now I was alone with it no place to go, not enough money to move out...

"Turn to the right, Walk to the right"

"Id be ok, if someone would love me, if someone would help me"... Another Pelican swooped down and seeing that it was a human quickly veered off, She lost her balance and stumbled, losing track of where she was in relation to the beach. The tears began to come. In the aching emptiness of soul she got up and walked crying furiously, not caring what was ahead. Hands pressed over her ears trying to hold down the incredible inner din of voices shrieking in her head...

Go to the right, walk to the right....

The ocean is roaring to the right. She is too close to the surf line and goes falling, tumbling into the deep gash of the second sink, the huge sand pit near the waterline...She lays there listening to the ocean and the voices and her own breathing and feels something around the edge of her mind. Something dreadful that she doesn't want to remember...

"Get up! Get up! and walk to the right..."

...It was a sunny day and she only meant to go to the pretty sparkling water but the wave came in and grabbed her and she was dragged out to sea in the rip tide. She remembers screaming "Mommy! Mommy!" and seeing her mother on the sands holding her baby brother in her arms. After an eternity the tide suddenly turns and she was brought back to shore and to her mother who scolded her for going out into the water.

"Get up! Walk to the right! You cheated us once but not this time!"

The voices inside of her head screamed in fury as this previously unknown incedent came to mind. She sobbed and in total dispair said "God, if you really are everywhere are you here?..."

Out of the fog came a voice that said "I AM"

The Seal Beach Peir shot from the 2nd sink

She sits up so quickly sand flies in every direction. "You are what?" she demanded then thought "Oh, this is great, you are really slipping now. Not only do you hear voices in your head, but you are hearing them outside your head as well. There is nobody out here, foolish enough to be walking out here in this fog but yours truly..." Then the voice returns and says

"I AM"

She likes the voice, it is a sound she could listen to the rest of her days and not grow tired of. Years later she will be asked if the voice is male or female, its more than that... its every beautiful sound you can ever imagine, like music, and it is pitched just above the roar of the surf, but not so loud as to be frightening. looking around she says "OK, enough of the joke, if soemone else is here, show yourself and help me out of the sink hole before the tide comes up." There is silence just the surf and the birds... She sighs and asks the fog " So You arent going to help me?" and rolling out of the fog came The Voice again

"I AM"

Something gnaws at her. Something from the past, from time so long before that she had nearly forgotten about it. It was before the past 10 years of searching and struggling for purpose and meaning, looking for acceptance and love with men and parties and money and drugs and a lifestyle that shamed her even as she sat on the beach in the damp fog. It was before the incedents that shredded what little faith that she had in a God and in people, as she struggled in a upbringing that was viewed as pitiful by outsiders, and criminally neglectful by others, but nothing was ever done about it. The memory is of songs and stories at a church that was like a warm home in a storm, but that was before the boy and the stairwell and the denial that such a thing could happen in their church and didnt I come from that basket case family with the mad drunken father and the mad church lady mother and the wild brother? I must be crazy too and Id best leave and not come back until I repented of the lie I was telling...

Yes that was when I decided that God didint really exist and that it was a lie. That being a Christian was a lie and the bible was a book of stories as they said it was in school. But what did they say that Gods name was... and The Voice came out of the fog again....

"I AM"

Yes, that was it. This is GOD speaking... God... Well if I have lost my mind finally, I might as well make the best of it. "Ok, if you are God, and you are going to help me then answer me this. How come my life is such a mess? Why doesnt anyone love me and why do I have to deal with all of this? Tell me that! Why have you ignored me all of these years? Why did you let me get swept out to sea right here so long ago..."

In the silence that followed, she was taken back to that memory of being swept out to sea by the surf in the sink where she was sitting. She sees her mother standing on the shore watching her as the tide pulls her out. In later years she was told of the incedent that mother wouldnt put her brother down for fear that he would crawl out into the water after her and she would lose us both. That was suppose to be and acceptable explanation for the neglect. This rip tide never gives up the victims until days later when they wash up at the Weapons Station miles down shore. But not that day. That was a bonefide miracle. That a toddler would survive and be swept back in where she was taken by the tide... Only God could have done that

"God did you save me then?" she said quietly. Silence... Then one after another came the memories of other times, some very violent, others just stupid, right up to the morning of October 1 1987, When the massive quake rolled though her home, the large objects that barely missed her and the chimney bricks that fell. The fact that she had just been in the now condemned garage, where all of the boxes tools and things had fallen from the rafters. She had been saved more times than she knew...

"Are you still here, God"

"I Am"

She notices something else. The voices in her head have gone silent. For the first time in her concious life she doesnt hear many voices in her mind, just her own voice, her spirit is at peace. There is inner quiet. The aching emptiness still hurts but is not unbareable. Her mind is not spinning and insted seems to be tracking and mentaly she sees lists of things that need to be done...

"God, did you fix me? I dont feel broken any more..." "Hey I dont want you to leave once I go and I have to go cause Amy is waiting for me...Are you going to stay with me?"

The fog was lifting! A golden sun was peaking out from behind the clouds and as I stood there the beach and the peir was gilded with a light like I had not seen. I could see that if I faced the peir and walked to the right I could easily walk out of the sink, and up to the top of the high sand berm, and back towards the peir with no difficulty. Again that wonderful sound came to my ears.

"I AM"

She said "Yes, You Are..." and she began to laugh, Laugh like she had not laughed in so long. Laugh as tears are running down her face. Laugh for a unknown future that she was no longer afraid of.

She turned and looked at the 2nd Sink. From the top of the berm, it seemed as deep as the Grand Canyon while inside of it... "Are you sure, God? Maybe I am not worth the trouble its going to take to save me..." The sun began to warm her, drying the damp clothing and causing the sticking sands to drop away...The wind was blowing the last of the fog inland and like caressing song The Voice resounded

"I AM"

She walked to her car, climbed in and never looked back

From Seal Beach peir looking north westward towards the Long Beach Harbor/Port of Los Angeles. That is the Long Beach, California skyline in the distance...

Im sure that you have read this and said "Gee, thats a nice story, doesnt this belong on the blog you have for fiction?" Well, no as this is not fiction. This is my story, the retelling of an event that happened on this day September 29,1988 that completly changed my life. I went on to that counseling session and chuckled through the two hours of group, unable to explain to the others what was going on.
Once the left, Amy the social worker looked at me and said "OK what is so funny?" I said " You are not going to believe it..." and launched into the narrative that you have just read. Amy, an Observant Jew, kept scooting to the edge of her chair until she stood up and stared at me mouth agape..

"You have spoken with God, like Moses and the burning bush..." Amy said
"Yes, apperently so" I replied
"Well," Amy replied with no trace of disbelief and all sincerity, "what are you going to do.."
I repiled "Anything He tells me to. I believe that He will be with me. He promised."

I returned home. There was a note from J on a list of things to do that I had written and left on the table. He agreed to all of them from selling the house to my calling my lawyer and signed a note stating to whom in may concern that he would be agreeable to all terms that I negotiated. A first from a very prideful, controling person. I felt the nudge to go for it... to grab a hold of life

A few months prior to this Legal Aid had refered me to a lawyer "that takes cases like yours." and I met Ed, who was less concerned for the divorce and more concerned for my soul. He was an Elder at Hosanna Chapel (Calvary Chapel) of Bellflower. I do believe that his prayers led dierectly to the events of this day and to the future events that occured in my life. He is with our Lord now and I look forward to meeting him in heaven.

I sold the house as is in 30 days for a large profit. I found a home to move into that turned out to be owned by other Hosanna attendees. I lived there 6 years and flowered into the person you know today. I entered intensive counseling at BIOLA University and spent 5 years working out the many issuse in my life. Its a work in progress. My divorce from J was final in 1989, B showed up in my life just as Woody and I started dating, Woody told him to get lost more or less and he has. There have been many bumps in the road but for the most part there has been peace of mind. It was all Gods doing.

Miracles, signs and wonders have followed but also a lot of pain too. Its not easy to follow the narrow way, but it is the right way. I have never ceased to be glad for it. Even more so on the 15th anniversary of this event.

One thing that came about was learning how much I had learned as a child growing up Baptist. I had learned my Bible verses and the hymns, but I was 18 inches away from salvation. It was all in my head, not in my heart. It isnt about the "Sinners Prayer" attending church or how much you do for God. Its about relationship and trusting Him for everything. I know that salvation occured on that beach, because of the radical transformation of life that continues to be transformed day by day. Its all about Him,I only received the gift. Its all about Jesus...



Come, Thou Fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise!
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming toungues above
Praise His Name! Im fixed upon it,
Name of God's redeeming love!

Hither to Thy love has blessed me,
Thou has drawn me to this place
And I know Thy hand will lead me
Safely home by Thy good grace
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God
He to rescue me from danger
Bought me with His precious blood!

Oh,to grace, how great a debtor,
Duly Im constrained to be
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love!
Here's my heart, Lord take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above!


Robert Robertson 1758

God's Grandeur

Reflections... taken yesterday near the Seaview Colony off Hwy 130 near Kapoho.




God's Grandeur

The world is charged with the grandeur of God.
It will flame out,
like shining from shook foil;
It gathers to a greatness,
like the ooze of oil

Crushed.
Why do men then now not reck his rod?
Generations have trod,
have trod, have trod;
And all is seared with trade;
bleared, smeared with toil;
And wears man's smudge and shares man's smell:
the soil
Is bare now,
nor can foot feel, being shod.

And for all this, nature is never spent;
There lives the dearest freshness deep down things;
And though the last lights off the black West went
Oh, morning, at the brown brink eastward, springs—
Because the Holy Ghost over the bent
World broods with warm breast and with ah! bright wings.

"God's Grandeur," by Gerard Manley Hopkins, from Poems and Prose (Knopf).

September 28, 2004

Tales From the Transfere Station

Woody's home away from home, The Keauhou transfer station. There is now a wooden guard shack where the umbrella is. Straight ahead is Kealakekua Bay. Above the station is coffee farms.

I found this picture on a website dedicated to transfer stations and it has photos So you can see the "backstage" to paradise. This is where we country folks or those of us that dont pay someone to haul out the trash, take the trash for disposal. Its messy and I dont think very efficient. But then a lot of things are not efficient here in Hawaii. Thats ok we like it slow and easy...

I am still thinking of the three barrel collection process we had in LA. You put you green waste in the green barrel and your recyclables in the blue, then the rest in the grey...Tons and tons of stuffs were diverted out of the landfills this way. They really need to think about the trash here. Landfills are filling up and there seems to be no end in sight.

There are rules and regs about what you can throw into the trailers. Green waste must go down to Kona and stuff must be four feet or less and no commerical or toxics allowed. There is so much building going on that the builders try all the time to dump where ever they can and Woody has to call them to task for not going to the land fill and paying the tipping fee and dumping there. "Just this once " and I dont have time to drive all the way there" are heard. Somepeople just give him the finger and toss what they want into the bin. Its pretty bad.

People ask to recycle stuff. They do have bins in Kona but not where Woody is stationed so the drive to Kona takes the "drive" out of caring for the 'ania, and into the hopper goes the paper and glass that could be recycled.

Here in Keaau we have a grand recycling facility. People can bring good used stuff and people that need the stuff can just have it I think that is great. On the Kona side its a bit less organized from a recycling viewpoint. Woody sees people leave all sorts of reusable stuff at the transfere station, funiture, toys, bikes, building materiels ( a hot item, a set of french doors got left like that and two old ladies got to fighting over them that Woody had to step in and say that neither of them got them, he did...after they left the next construction guy that came in said "hey nice doors...Yeah you want um....yeah...take them Please!" and they left. Stuff come in, in the am, Woody goes to lunch and when hes back at 2, there is a whole set of new stuff there and all of the old is gone..

Woody is tempted to bring a lot of things home. Are we not all junk collectors at heart. Hes broght us some great stuff. A new Aluminum ladder, a new sweeper scooper, Books books and more books...

But I try to temper his enthusiasm. We dont want our house to look like some of our neighbors, with piles of "tresures" rusting away in the front yard...heaps of dead cars saved for parts ect... People are always pressing things on him to take with words like " I barely used it...ect...So the other day I went out to the car and was very surprised... I said

"...Woody...there is a toilet in the back seat..." He looks at it and says " Why, so there is... dont you need one in your bathroom, You'll never get the rust stains out of the old one and..." "Woody, I thought that we werent going to bring crap home from the dump." He smiles and says " Thats not Crap, that is a nearly new Crapper with new guts and everything and we need it..."

Who am I to argue with the master of the house, especially over something like this.

On the same day I noticed a hand of bananas sitting on the counter. Woody is often given presents by people that come to the transfere station. Thing like sodas or books as they see that he is reading. A Japanese tour group came in and he was given all sort of food gifts and money tips for his little tour that he gave them. One man gave him ten dollars for lunch just because. Well bananas are big on the gift list. I did think they were exceptionally nice,nearly perfect fresh bananas. I didnt try one, leaving all for Woody.

Well Woody went back to the station for his three day stint. when he came back he told me " you know those bananas that were on the counter..." Yeah..."Well didint you think they were nice? " Well yes they were really fresh..." Yeah they were fresh. See I saw them next to a stuffed monkey that was piled up next to a bunch of other stuff and there were those really pretty bananas, and I thought Gee the monkey doesnt need the bananas, and I might eat them later at the hotel...so I took the bananas and put them in the guard shack. I didnt eat them so I brought them home. Two days went by and I saw that they still looked really good so I took them back to Kona (these are the most heavely traveled bananas in Hawaii, back and forth to Kona twice, and still looked like they were just picked.) Well I didint have anything to eat so I tried to eat the dang things... I couldnt peel them. I got so frustrated that I banged them on the table. Damn things were plastic...

Just goes to show you that you should never take a banana away from a trashed monkey and that monkey made a monkey out of us...

He doesnt mind his job, its the only trash dump with a multimillion dollar view. Even though he could get more hours at another place hed rather be there looking out to sea and who can blame him. Im a bit envious myself of the sight....

September 26, 2004

Seven League Boots- A Birthday Thank You

Paradise Hamakua

...When the accident happened to the princess, the good fairy who had saved her life by condemning her to sleep a hundred years was in the kingdom of Mataquin, twelve thousand leagues away. She was instantly warned of it, however, by a little dwarf who had a pair of seven-league boots, which are boots that enable one to cover seven leagues at a single step. The fairy set off at once, and within an hour her chariot of fire, drawn by dragons, was seen approaching....

There are many such tales of Seven League Boots...magic footwear that allow the wearer to traverse great distances with magical speed... This excerpt is from a French version of Sleeping Beauty. Here in America, we have Dorothy and her magical ruby slippers that can whisk her away home to Kansas...

Well, I dont need to be brought back home, I want to get away from home and the daily grind... and I have found the Seven League Boots I needed to transport me to new places and new ways of thinking...

Blogging and My Wide Blue Seas...

If you had asked me a year ago if I thought that this was going to become so important to me this writing for a public audience on the internet I would have laughed...I mean... who'd read it? and how would I manage the site and stuff like that?... Well I guess the blogging maxim is true..

Blog it and they will come...

I want to thank the loyal readers that check me out once in a while... and the friends that I have made through this medium... I am gratified and humbled by the support and affirmation that I have received...

You all are stuck with me I am hopelessly hooked on this... Adding the pictures made it impossible to give up, Its addictive!

This pic is one that I promised to post, of the little cove at Laupahoehoe Point. It looks so non tropical hard to believe that this is Hawaii...

Aloha all catch you tomorrow.

The Ho'olaulea (Block Party)

Tiny Wahine . Jr. dancers of the halau Hare Tiare Tahitian Hula School here in Hilo. This group with male and female dancers 3 to 40 years of age danced tonight at Hilo's 2004 Hoolaulea, Bayfront Blockparty...

Its not an event that I care too much about I worked for another jeweler in 2002, and was open for the duration of the thing and it was awful, Last year we stayed open late and got not business, so this year I closed at 5 like normal. I saw fewer vendors and really few participants that in the past which may be a commentary on the economic situation here. Its just to expensive to come over from the neighbor islands or even Kona for an evening.

I thought that these girls were just delightful. They were just about to go on stage and were so excited. Did very well too with their dancing.

September 25, 2004

No News is Good News

The Bandstand and a cloudless Mauna Kea

Not much to say I have been playing with Blogger, uploading 10000 pictures into the system to post upon, This Hello thingy works really well and I have been able to do some great things with it.

I have also been playing with my new camera I eneded up buying a Cannon Power shot SD110 Seems to do all that I need for it to do, and it talks to me too how sweet.

Found a bunch of new blogs and have put them on me blogroll, including Jack from LA and his Random Thoughts. I found his writing to be fun and insightful at the same time

I havent gotten too many hits these past few days . I know that a lot of my readers have way more important things to be duing than reading me during the high holidays LOL, but I was pleased that Kitten from Kitten with a Whip looked me over and I have had some hits from the EVL bloggers. Thank you one and All. I also had to practice a bit of censorship, as a blogger that I had posted on the ol blogroll was getting a bit too open about her life... Frankly too much information and pictures we are family oriented here. If you cant say it on the Simpsons forget it. Deleated into the Blogger abbyss...

Had two calls from Real Estate agents in Galveston. One selling me on that highrise that I posted the powerpoint feature a few days ago... a unit in a decent location on the tower (floors 7 to 14) 1040sf with a 500 sft terrace space (there are two one big one small)Yes on Mak and Nani, Low CAM fees. Built to withstand a Cat5 and 200MPH winds, 30 plus feet above sea level with 25 MILES of pilings total stuck in the ground for support. (that baby isnt going anywhere, hurricanes do your worst...) 325K... Bay views.... See the cruise ships go in and out.... I sort of would like that... Estimated time of completion 2007. Not so good. 15 percent down 50K, Woodys dream will be dust..

The other agent was a REMAX guy very nice and said that "I just need to find a new dream"... that was profound...hes right...

But there are others and it will be interesting. I think I am now where I can say OK just do what you want, I am comfortable with that I have lost my will to fight on and need a break from it.

Store did great this week and I will be going in tomarrow after all. Hopefully I can have another great day.

September 24, 2004

The Tangle

Tangled mess tangled necklaces, on top of the real estate sales contract next to the perenial pile of bills on my desk at the shop.


I tripped while putting the Tahitian pearl pendents display, and they went flying as did I. Half was through the sorting I took this picture... This was how the day was , doing a lot of things that didnt move me forward just keeping up,

I took the camera back and purchased a Canon SD110 and already I can see a easier interface and Its so small, hard to believe that it does all of the things that it seems to be able to do in such a small gizmo.

Sales are still comming. Must be the prayers. I imput the first shipment of holiday goods today into the system. More will be here tomarrow, I am so glad.

Im falling asleep at the computer so id better turn in for now

September 23, 2004

The Home Front...

Hamakua shoreline a very clear and peaceful Hilo Bay

Its been exciting and tumultuous here for the last few days at the store, should things continue the way they are going I will be alternating between giddy laughter and a growing dismay that I have no clue how things are going to go for the holidays. Do I stock up, or keep just trying to sell down the inventory. All of a sudden customers are comming out of the wood work and we will have a good month after all, and may make up for some of the loss that we will take going to Ohio next month. All in all feel much better about the store. I cant hardly believe it, it must be your prayers!

Our eager beaver wanna bee real estate agent ran a sales contract over yesterday for the house wanting to know when he could take pics and put it on the Internet. Duh! Did you listen to anything that we said to you? You dont list a home here unless you have another place ready to go to. Period. Also we need to sell the business first which wont be ready for sale until after the holidays...He knew this... And to top it off, he listed it for 10K less than we discussed. I tore the contract up and told Woody no deal. He heartily agreed, and called the guy. Suddenly the list of possible buyers for the store are now all looking in Kona... Cool, I dont care and Im glad in a way...

We are going very excited about the prospects of the school and all. I cant wait for a chance to do something different and break out of my routine.

Not much in the news other than local politics as we had our "primary "elections last saturday. Its little wonder that people dont vote as there are very few races to vote and most positions here are appointed... sort of like the jobs you apply for.

I bought a new digi camera that was memory card capable and tried it out today. Insted of the veiw finder it has a little screen... What a pain in the butt that is. In bright light you cant tell what you are doing to compose a shot. I will be loading a few of those on the blog but for the most part I hated the thing and am taking it back to Walmart. Anyone have a sugestions regarding cameras that they like?

Sorry to be so wooden with my writing but I only got two hours sleep last night and feel really bad. Leg Cramps and feeling jittery. My allergies are really flaring up too lots of coughing and itchy skin. It hasnt been raining and then both last night and tonight we have had deluginal rains pounding the house and stiring up all sorts of stuff... smells a bit off and I feel ill. Never thought that I d feel this way in Hawaii.

Its the first day of Fall. I had planted a lovely Liquid Amber tree in front of my house in Bellflower and the neighbores would exclaim at the redgold beauty every year. I miss the changing seasons here and "coolness" winter cold. That really surprises people but I do...

September 22, 2004

...Because those without swords can still die upon them...

Banner for the Eowyn Voters League


I was trolling for new reading materiels...not that all of your blogs are not the best and I love reading them but I do look for new things and stumbled upon this conservative issues blog called "The Respendent Mango". While I may not agree on everything that Katie writes I do like the direction that she goes in...

On the blog was this banner. I loved the Lord of the Rings, and while not a groupee I find a lot of good things in the tales of the Ring Bearer and the great Quest...and I loved Eowyn

Using Eowyn as an icon for defending the homeland as a woman is a good idea and I like it, We as women need to understand that sometimes blood must be shed for the common good. Agree or disagree, this is how it has been and will continue to be until Our Lord brings His kingdom to this earth to rule and reign. Until then the homeland must be defended. Our peace is bought with a price, both the peace in the here and now as well as the future Peace of the rule of the Prince of Peace.

So I have asked to join the Eowyn Voters League and will post the banner. For me Homeland Security and the war is what is directing my vote, as well as other conservative causes.

I must also say that it has always been my position that voting is the second most important civic duty that you can perform, the first being military or some type of volunteer service like the Peace Corps. I dont want to say vote this way or that, but some candidates really get my blood boiling... But no matter what, vote. We had record low turnouts saturday at our primaries and county elections. People were voted in with tiny fractions of total registered voters voting. I think that is sad. We miss an opportunity that most in this world would love to enjoy a free and fair election. Let us utilize this great blood bought gift.

And to the Peaceniks and those that would besmirch the good name of our service men and women, what is written on this banner is a warning.

"Those without swords can still die upon them..." It happens every day!

September 21, 2004

The End of the Road?

the end of the road, Kalapana road sign inudated with lava. This is about 12 miles from our house. Hwy 130 just sort of stops and you can see the 10 foot wall of black lava that poured over the road...

Well, it happened today Woody showed the house to a real estate guy. Selling it furninshed will get us at least 250K, thats double what we paid in 2001. Pretty good return on your money and we have the business as well. there are people lined up to buy homes here and you dont dare list without having a escape plan in place as there are zero rentals... and Azure Seas Jewelry? This guy has a buyer for that too. A couple was in last week looking for a business to buy for his wife...

I think it was this that got Woody going. We cant afford that but we can afford beachfront property in the Galveston area, Trouble is that they have a lot of the same sorts of issues that Florida does and they have names ...so to speak

Now that someone knows that we "might" be interested in selling there will be a flood of people calling us and stuff. Its a pain and I dont want to think about it.

But like the sign in the photo, I too feel sort of "up to here" with hard stuff. The reality is I dont want to work as hard as I think I am going to have to work alone to keep things going and I am not sure what I want to do or where Woody is going with this. I hate being so alone Frankly my dears, I hate the whole thing.

I dont want to move but I dont want to see Woody work in Kona forever and I dont think I cant do both, do the repairs and run the store but there isnt the money to hire anyone... sigh. I know that Woody and I can find better paying work and maybe have a life that we are more accustomed to... But somehow, I dont feel like we have given Hawaii enough of a chance...

Still waiting for the sign from above.

September 19, 2004

The Earth is the Lord's

Puna Sunrise taken on Chain of Craters road near the end of the road by a visitor to the Volcanoes National Park. Courtesy of HVNP




Pslam 24


The earth is the Lord's, and all its fullness,
The world and those who dwell therein.
For He has founded it upon the seas,
And established it upon the waters.


Who may ascend into the hill of the Lord?
Or who may stand in His holy place?
He who has clean hands and a pure heart,
Who has not lifted up his soul to an idol,
Nor sworn deceitfully.
He shall receive blessing from the Lord,
And righteousness from the God of his salvation.
This is Jacob, the generation of those who seek Him,
Who seek Your face.
Selah


Lift up your heads, O you gates!
And be lifted up, you everlasting doors!
And the King of glory shall come in.
Who is this King of glory?
The Lord strong and mighty,
The Lord mighty in battle.
Lift up your heads, O you gates!
Lift up, you everlasting doors!
And the King of glory shall come in.
1 Who is this King of glory?
The Lord of hosts,
He is the King of glory.

September 18, 2004

Cleaning House

Makoa on my hope chest, where I have the hopes and dreams of 30 years of journaling stored and not much else.

2pm I woke this morning to the hopeless dread of going into the store... The Hawaii County Fair is going and that is where everyone is that is visiting...Downtown has been deserted, the only business that we wrote this week was the pick up of a layaway. I spent the best part of the day on the phone working with my biggest supplier trying to gather up the remnants of the Israeli ancient glass and sterling line that is our best seller. We were the biggest buyer and we just didnt do enough to justify them carrying a huge selection, so they cut back and improved the few pieces that they do carry. We dont have the financial muscle to buy direct from Kibbutz Revadim, or I would go direct... I scooped up the rest of MMAs inventory and hopefully it will all sell over the holidays... Im just in a funk cause I spent what was left of my restock funds on one line... GRRRr. I am also scared as this is the bread and butter of the store and I have discovered nothing else that moves as well...I also love it so and the though of not having it upsets me...

So does everything else. I am concerned that I am having a breakdown. Im ok with that as this tends to be a way that God uses to reshape me and the results are always good but the enduring the "shaping" is a bummer. Imagine being a statue that is being sculpted, chiseled, picked at and the ever popular, sandblasted, ( I loathe that the most, its the tiny stuff that gets you...)

I woke up after the first full nights sleep I have had in a while and looked at our bedroom. I dont think its been more than swept and sheets changed in months maybe years... My bathroom was beyond the pale in disgusting...The whole house is a mess even the empty room that Woody dresses in, hes piled up clean clothes and books hes finished (for me to toss in the good will box...) I wondered out to the lanai and saw that Makoa, true to form as most males, cant quite hit the target, and subsequently the cat box is a disaster, I sprinkle litter on that and think, "Gee, maybe I will go to walmart and buy a baby wading pool for His Nibs that pees over the side...." Woody thinks its funny. But then his bathroom is so bad that I believe that Saddam has his bio WMDS parked in there... I hung a sign on the door saying "Hazardous Waste Disposal Area", and Woody said.."Gee, only when we eat at Ken's Pancake House.." missing the whole point that cleanliness is the issue.

Piles of mail, piles of newspapers, a pile of trash that needs a trash can rather than bags that the wild chickens and mongoose can tear into. Our trash can was stolen and we've just used bags since. You have to take your trash to the chute here no pick up... Woody is good about that, but then he goes there to work three days a week.

I looked and saw the neglect and said...." No not another day of sitting there surfing the net waiting for a body to come in that is not coming in. Saturday is our worst day traffic wise..( dont ask me I dont know why... This was true of the place that I worked at prior to opening Azure Seas as well.)But usually Mom and Dad Band People next door practice... I decided that I didn't care and I was staying home, I would be a wife for once... clean something, Prepare a meal for my itinerant husband and a flashy (for me box brownies with icing)desert. I would start with the "Master bathroom" LOL my bathroom, not the WMD zone.

Its taken me all day and I am nearly done with the bedroom, dusting, laundering and tossing out a lot of knicknacs that while have sentimental value to me are not suitable for the climate nor are they necessary for survival. I have cried all day over this but, I moved 12500lbs and 2275cft of cargo to this island (not counting three cars) and I wont be able to move that much back as we will be going twice as far. We have bought next to nothing since we arrived and are selling things off to keep our heads above water... This is ok and I feel good about it, but there have been moments...

Hair clips....The pretty pink one, The pearl one that I wore with my head peice at the wedding...sniff sniff .I cut my hair for sanitary reasons but being shaved (nearly) has only intensified the feelings of un femaleness, and unattractiveness that I feel, along with no makeup, (it sweats off, I am wet 90 percent of the time), no fragrances, as a bee sting could spell disaster, All got pitched.

Some of the bottles of perfume go back to other days, and the smells were enough to bring back memories of other much, much happier times. People, not just lovers but relationships, friends that gave me things... Only two bottles did I keep. One was a large bottle of Must de Cartier II Given to me by Debbie Bloom in 1993 Its still good even after all this time. Its my last tie to a couple that meant more to me than blood...They introduced me to my husband and they gave me away at our wedding, I served them and served with them for seven years in ministry. I was there for them in all sorts of difficulty ... then they turned their backs on me when I needed them. Her husband was a friend of Woody's from grade school...they are still not speaking... It has been nearly 9 years since this fallout... I sprayed it into the air and I was transported to a church, a stage, a pool of light, a Gift that was life to me. Joy, belonging, a home like I had never had before, a place of my own... It vanished with a casual decision by a pastor that never understood me, and never trusted me... The Blooms chose to go with the groupthink rather than stand with me and for what was right, as I was pretty much run out of a church that I loved for no reason. A situation like this burns a hole in your soul that never heals and has not...

But I cannot casually toss that bottle into a trashbag.

The other was a nearly new bottle of Ivoire de Balmain You will all laugh at this... I used this fragrance for years, the first bottle was a gift from my first husband and as it is not easy to come by I jumped at the chance to buy another on on Martinique while honeymooning with Hubby no 2. Woody has not a scentametal (yes bad I know but true) bone in his body and couldn't wait to buy it for me. It brought back the memories of our bittersweet honeymoon that was fraught with difficulty, and before that a hedonistic lifestyle with Jeff that was ecstasy and heartbreak all at the same time...How I miss that man. We have been apart now for 15 years, and it seems like yesterday...Spray... Again a whiff of another world, when I was younger, more beautiful and certainly less jaded and cynical than I am now...

I guess I grew up...

4pm I did the bath and the bedroom and picked up. God in Heaven its still a mess... ( Did I mention the brownies and 5 loads of wash) Its been heavenly peaceful here everyone is in Hilo for the fair. Yippee!

I am ADD I think I cannot seem to finish a room before I start on another one and as a result I never seem to get anything done. It ticks me off. I feel like I spin my wheels for nothing. So today I really tried to focus on the one space and while I didn't get everything done, The lion's share is and at least I dont smell mildew emanating from my bathroom. I have left the cat box for Woody...Birds of a feather piss together.

6 pm

Last load of wash. I have wall to wall ceramic tile in the house and its great. But any little bit of lint shows I like this as I can see the dirt, but with two cats shedding constantly, if I go a few days without sweeping, the breeze blows in and little balls of cat fur blow around great fun for the kitties to chase... Some times we marvel at the shedding output..."Wow, look at this! We could build us a whole other cat and have some left over!," Woody exclaimed one Sunday afternoon as we were sweeping the livingroom. Brushing helps some but they just seem to grow more hair. Its all over everything and when its damp like its been the stuff sticks to every hard surface making for a gunky mess.

Then there are the tiny gnats that get into the house through the tiny mesh of the screens. The place is littered with tiny piles of bodies. We have had a millipede invasion. The cats wont touch them, unlike the dangerous centipedes that they see as game to hunt along with the Gecko and the Cameleons that sometimes get in. I must have found a dozen of the beasts. We have a weird thing that sticks to the walls... (For Gods sake, Woody cant we have a Pest control person???, or mow the lawn more so the chickens will eat the millipedes or something!) UGGH

Desert is cool Made box brownies and topped them with cream cheese with apricot pineapple jam and sugar mixed, then made a chocolate sauce to drizzle on top. Martha would be proud...

The saddest thing for me is that Woody will come home and not notice the changes in the bedroom, not care about the clean house or even the brownies... He doesn't give a rip about this house or anything it takes to take care of it. It still a mystery as to why he lied and asked me to marry him...

Maybe I need to do more house cleaning???

September 17, 2004

Meet Your New Road

Meet Your New Road... Old Mamalaloa Hwy Ahualoa/Honoka'a as I leave the Studio 

I was a bit depressed yesterday, I was on antidepressants of several years but when we moved here, I wasnt going to have a doctor so I weaned myself off. We later came to the realization that not only was I struggling with cronic illness that was creating a systemic depression, but also was undergoing an undianosed early menopause. I am still struggling with the aftermath of this. Due to the HUGE amount of cancer in my family HRT is not an option its cold turkey for me.

The SSRI pills slowed the mood swings, and made me more tractable as far as Woody is concerned, but I always felt drugged and not myself. I really feel more alive not taking them but its not always easy to live real... ( Disclaiamer... I had the option to take this medication, if you are in need of taking medications please take them... Both of my parents needed them and I have had many friends that are able to live normal lives through better living through pharmacy. Please take your meds if you need them!)

I think in giving up my dreams, I give myself mental room to think out side of my own mental box. But it is a painful thing, because we take such pride in our self direction. For much of my life I was so mentally ill and not able to even plan a weeks worth of activity, let alone some of the adventures we have had in the last few years. I feel a bit defeated but I know that I have nothing to be less than proud of and by comming here and trying the life I have at least done it and can feel good about that. I would have always wondered the what ifs had I not made the move.

Im concerned that Woody wants to move because that has been his way to deal with problems. He moved his exwife all over central california, in hopes to resolve their marital issues. Trouble is that home is always where you are, and you change only the backdrop in the play of life, not the script. This has never been the way my life has been and I wont move just for a change, but only if its the only alternative.

Woody had a very interesting set of phone calls yesterday. The local Catapiller Dealership is calling him for a job interview there in Kona. He has 30 years of experience in the Forklift and Heavy Machinery biz and this would be a job that would pay well. Hed be in Kona 5 days a week, so hed be pretty much living over there. They do have a branch in Hilo and eventually he could get a transfer over there. We shall see how things go. I know hed rather do this rather than do anything else...

I dont know that we would hear about the decision prior to going to Ohio. I still would like for him to go so he has the experience to help me on the weekends if we get backed up and so he can be the owner manager of the store, and understand what is going on. But if it means that he will not get the job it will be interesting to see if he goes.

I was a bit bummed as I went to bed last night, but Mak and Nani jumped up on the bed after I got in and with purrs and sandpaper kisses...how can you stay bummed out... After all the important things in life are just that simple. We are ok, and not digging out from a third major hurricane, losing everything... (we arent going there, no way... ) We have our health and God has brought us out from under a financial disaster.

I see a new road ahead, and I am ready to go once I get Divine marching orders.

September 16, 2004

That Simple Dream Ended....

Sunny Day at Lilioukalani Park

I knew this life was full of sorrow
Still I believed that good times would follow
That the evils would falter and true hearts would rise...
True hearts would rise...
That simple dream ended
On the night that it died...

Even the sound of the ocean roaring
Brings back the longing, and stirs up the aching
Peaceful surroundings that nurtured my soul
Nurtured my soul,
The world spins without meaning
Now that its gone

Sometimes I still think that I will come back
And find that things are more open to me
But deep in my heart, i know the door will be closed
and my dear dream..
will forever be gone...

You are as lovely as Your evening sky
where planets turn and the Joy Star rises
My sweet Hawaii so warm and so green
Hawaii my own,
The world spins without meaning
Now that its gone

Sometimes I still think that I will come back
And find that things are more open to me
But deep in my heart, I know this season has closed
and my dear dream..
is forever done...


I knew this life was full of sorrow
Still I believer that good times would follow
That the evils would falter and true hearts would rise...
True hearts would rise...
That simple dream ended
On the night that it died...




This is a re write of one of the most heart rending songs I have ever heard. It was written by Elaine Rubenstein, one of the English lit instructors out at Orange coast college at the time...she is also a mentor and lyricist for Fernando Ortega, a Christian singer songwriter that I admire. The professor lost her only sibling her precious brother and the life that the two of them shared and the retirement that they dreamed of...no mates or children for each of them no other family...He was her best friend and his loss left her so bereft and alone... I have felt a resonance to her words about life just spinning and the loosendedness of it all...

Our situation is not so desparate but for the last few days I have felt like something has died... my Hawaiian Dream... All of the plans that we had and the hopes that we had. Its hard to explain but its like I know that I need to allow my dreams to die so that what ever God is going to do is allowed free rein to develope...

Woody said it over breakfast on monday... If this repair business doesnt take off we need to look at other options while we can. We need to sell out while the market is hot, get the best price and get back to the mainland before we go compleatly broke. And get stuck here...I know that he is right, but it doesnt lessen the pain.

Perhaps it is borrowing trouble, but I have this feeling about it that hes right...with a womans intuition that things arent good. I have had a recurring nightmare that Woody has a heart attack and dies and I am stuck in a mess. We are working on getting a plan together so we dont have the probate thing and Id have resources to do something...good for both of us for while Woody has health issues I seem to have a death wish, pretty darn near slammed my car yesterday into a pole to avoid another crazy driver...

Where do we go? For we cannot sell our home unless we have somewhere to go as there is such a shortage of rentals that wed be homeless for sure. So a place would have to be scoped out first and that is way more than I want to think about I cannot imagine migrating again accross the pond. Plus hauling two cats through homeland security and a long plane flight. They will die of fright. We looked at homes on monday think that we could down scale move into a condo ect...and its just not possible for there are none to be had.

Woody called and ad placed in National Jeweler for a jewelry store for sale in Jacksonville Beach Florida..." Hey its got beaches, palm trees...whats the difference?" The differences have names like Charly, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne, if you get my 145MPH, 20 plus inches of rain no drainage drift..." Well we have them here and shucks we live near to the freaking volcano so what's a bit of wind... just look at the cheap houses and stuff..." OMG....Woody doesnt know what a "Carpetbagger" is...For those of you new to American History Google "Carpetbagger" In the south, taking advantage of someone's misfortune is not well thought of. You arent thought to be clever or anything... Anyway... Woody is not the "actor" in this relationship... so I dont have a For Sale sign on Azure Seas or Hale Puuhonua...but I am not opposed now, which I was a week ago.

My spirit is broken, like a mustang that has given up fighting the bit, and is consenting to take the saddle.Its the feeling that Ive sold out...That I am a quitter...I hate it. This is a scary place to be. Once I stop fighting things tend to decay in our lives...

Maybe its all so that when I go to Mansfield in two weeks that I will be more teachable, and flexible. No matter what, I will be able to use what I learn wherever I go in this life. I have fully retrained now four times carrer wise and I am 42. I hope that I will have found something now that will sustain me.

I burned my bridges in California. I am not returning there. I just dont know...

I know that God knows and I do my best to trust Him. I believe that there was a purpose in comming here but I dont know what it was and may never know.

...But still I believe that good times will follow...

September 14, 2004

The Awakening of a Sleeping Giant

The Highest active volcano in the world, also the worlds largest mountain by mass... Mauna Loa... The Great Mountain.

Ho! Now this is un nerving but not surprising. 12 years ago I sat on a small hill behind the house being rented by my current boyfriend and we joked about the earthquake fault lying beneath. Two years later that hill broke apart and was the epicenter of the Northridge Earthquake of 1994. The house was matchsticks and Ken, well he had moved out a few months before and the place was empty. I dont joke about Acts of God anymore... Should this thing go off and lava flow in any direction its going to be a problem... Any way...


Mauna Loa may be preparing to erupt
Scientists see signs in recent seismic activity

The Associated Press
Updated: 1:09 p.m. ET Sept. 13, 2004

KAILUA-KONA, Hawaii -

Earthquakes have been rumbling more frequently deep beneath Mauna Loa, suggesting that the world’s largest volcano is getting ready to erupt for the first time in 20 years, scientists said.


We don’t believe an eruption is right around the corner, but every day that goes by is one day closer to that event, said Paul Okubo, a seismologist at the Hawaiian Volcano Observatory on the Big Island.

Mauna Loa erupted for three weeks in 1984, sending a 16-mile lava flow toward Hilo. Since then, the U.S. Geological Survey estimates that more than $2.3 billion has been invested in new construction along Mauna Loa’s slopes.

Since July, more than 350 earthquakes have been recorded far beneath the 13,677-foot-high Mauna Loa, said Don Swanson, scientist-in-charge at the observatory.

Mauna Loa is grumbling, growling and getting ready to come out of its den, he said.

The earthquakes have been what seismologists call long period, which means their signals gradually rise above the noise generated by usual seismic activity.

Such a concentrated number of deep, long-period earthquakes from this part of Mauna Loa is unprecedented, at least in our modern earthquake catalog dating back to the 1960s, Okubo said.

While forecasting an eruption cannot be exact, Okubo noted that the mountain today is wired with more state-of-the-art tracking and measuring technology than ever before.

The definite sign of an impending eruption is an earthquake swarm — a dramatic increase in the number of daily tremors from a handful, to dozens to ultimately hundreds, Okubo said.

Mauna Loa is within Hawaii Volcanoes National Park, which also contains the well-known Kilauea volcano. Kilauea has been erupting continuously since Jan. 3, 1983.

For another in depth article click here

September 13, 2004

Happy Birthday Baby Kitties and other news

One very weary (in fact sleeping and woke to the camera click) Woody and a very tiny Nani taken Dec 2001. I loved the fact that the tag is still on the recliner ie la-z-boy....

The Kitties are 3 today I wrote them a poem here They are now settleing into a sort of early middle age which is a very long curve for indoor cats of up to 10 years...

Woody looks a lot better than this now in fact we were surprised that he has lost a bit of wieght and is losing more we think from the fit of his uniforms. He also shaves that scraggly beard of his which I detest!

Its been a quiet week here in Hawaii. This is the lowest time of year for tourists, and the time that we like to travel as a result. We will be going to Ohio leaveing the night of October 7th. I sent off the down payment for the school and we have reservations and plane tickets paid for. I am so looking forward to this it is going to be so nice to just take a break and to learn something new for a change.

In order to do this we were able to get the estate to give us a partial pay out of Woodys estate money. It was enough to get the mortgage caught up and the back taxes paid. What we would have done had this not happened? I dont know. Its living proof that "my God will supply all of my needs according to His riches and glory in Christ Jesus.." Philippians 4:13 We asked and it was supplied though I wish that the method of delivery was different.

John has had some serious health issues come up including chest pain and weakness. He was checked out and his EKG was pretty good if not great,considering his weight age and lack of activity, but they want to send him for a stress test on Oahu, who knows when they think that we should just drop what ever and just go... Its so much harder than on the mainland to do anything. A test is arranged then you hope that you can get a flight which on seat is paid for but if a disaster happens, like he has blockage ect, and they keep him for surgery, then I have to make my way there and find a room ... Gosh we have three hospitals here why cant things be done here??? I dont understand.

Sooo. We wait. this is not Bill Clinton syndrome but came just ahead of it and with everyone rushing to have these tests done the system is a bit crowded. Woody did start to take his blood pressure meds and other than a bit of inconvience, hes doing fine with them.

I am nearly recovered from my adventure in the ditch, still a bit sore... but am having other trials I feel like I am 100 years old... just falling apart slowly... little stuff Im sure, just whining. I think it will require some attention. Will be looking at that in the comming days.

The weather has been lovely and dry almost too dry. My allergies are kicking up and I think that is half of my troubles. Need a week of good rain to settle things.

Thanks for the positive response to the nane change and all. I feel like I am surrounded by friends, and even though we are a world away, I count you as such...

September 12, 2004

A Loki (Rose) by Any Other Name

Hokule'a, the Star of Gladness in Hawaiian... for those of us more familiar with the Greek names for the stars this is the star Arcturus..

First I want to thank each and everyone of you for the emails and the kind words concerning Lux Aeterna. As the week wore on I was so glad to be a part of the tributes to those that have given so much, and for those that we lost on 9-11. I dont believe that the media wanted to dwell on this, but conjured up other things for us to think about this week. I was very pleased at the over all response and again thank you.

Second, I am unleashing another blog into the Blogosphere. Does anyone know what the limit is to having blogs? I am finding that blogs are like cats the more you have within some reason the better that things are... Anyway with this release comes a change that I have wanted to make for a while.

Names are very important to me. I have an unusual given name and felt it was so important to preserve the family name that I didnt drop it in favor of my husbands name (after all this is who I am) Both the name of my first blog and the blog handle that I have been using are somewhat accidental. My Wide Blue Seas is actually my Ebay handle, it too being somewhat of a sidestep as I wanted our corporate name Wide Blue Seas. So I want to do a blog and I had just been shopping on Ebay...sort of a no brainer, but it has turned out beautifully.

Dancing Rain Girl is my handle on game sites, most of which, like Neopets, I no longer have time or computer speed (Im on dial up) to do ... I am no longer involved in Middle eastern Dance for many reasons mostly being that it is no fun to dance alone and I dont look very good in coconuts and a grass skirt so I dont think I will be taking up hula...( just kidding, I know that I could wear a muumuu and I look pretty good in those...my friends at the Credit Union said that I moved to Hawaii so I could wear a muumuu to work everyday... Yah Buddy!)Hey the name sort of fits but I have come to love a Hawaiian name and I thought that the time was right as my 1 year of blogging birthday is comming up to go ahead and change it.

I first heard of the Hokule'a back on the mainland. this is a huge replica of the Voyaging Canoes that the Tahitians used to cross the trackless seas in their quest for new lands to settle. The navagation skills used to do this were astounding and really only in the last few years have we begun to understand how they managed to navagate without a sextent or charts. It is said that there were legends of fixed stars and one shone over the fabled islands were the gods and goddesses dwell. The Tahitians set out north east from Tahiti around 900 AD and as they crossed the equator they saw the star Arcturus grow higher and high each night... They took notice of the wind and water and found that land was many days away but comming closer. Eventually they landed on the Big Island, the star Arcturus high in the sky. They named it " Hokule'a" The Star of Gladness, for had they not found land soon they would have surely perished in the vast ocean. The Hawaiian Island are the furthest islands away from other bodies of land on earth. When I say I am 2700 miles from anywhere, I mean it.

To prove the theory of this chartless navagation, the Voyaging canoe Hokule'a was built and it now serves as a training vessel for young people to learn the ways of the sea. It has logged over 100,000 nautical miles in her years of service. More than one young person has been rescued for a life of crime by this program and the ship its self is a source of pride for the Native Hawaiian crew that sails her.

As I walk out on clear nights I have searched for the Star of Gladness and found her. To see the stars here is a high point in my Hawaii experience. The clean air here was one of the major reasons that we came to this place and have gone through all that we have to be here.

I realized that if we are to stay here we need to stop fighting the culture so hard and take some in. We would NEVER want this place to be what we left but I think I have not been as good a steward of what has been given to me here...I gave my kitties Hawaiian names, Now I think I shall give myself one.

Hokule'a... the Happy Star...

and the blog...you can find it here. Follow the star... I hope to start by loading some of my previously written original poems and stores on here, then go on to write more...

We are doing ok. I will be catching you up on all of the news in the next post.

September 11, 2004

Lux Aeterna Day 7

May the Circle be Unbroken...Prayer at the dedication of a mysterious Cross found in the rubble of the World Trade Center

Lux Aeterna Day 7 ... May God have mercy upon their souls....

Please Click Here

Lux Aeterna Day 6

Final Watch.... Rifle Boots and Helmet


Lux Aeterna Day 6 Please Click Here

September 09, 2004

Lux Aeterna Day 5

Looking back in Horror a 9-11 study in Black and White

Lux Aeterna Day 5 Please click here

Lux Aeterna Day 4

A port in the storm, one of the many chrches used as relief centers during the ordeal.


Lux Aeterna Day 4 Please Click Here

September 07, 2004

Lux Aeterna Day 3

World Trade Center building collapse


Lux Aeterna Day 3 Please Click Here

Lux Aeterna Day 2

Why Do The Nations Rage? The next generation of terrorists. Arab man holds his young son up as the boy holds an AK47 and a koran prayer book. Photo courtesy Reuters News Service



Lux Aeterna Day 2 Please click Here

September 05, 2004

Lux Aeterna Day 1

Liberty Island from the air 1993


Lux Aeterna Day 1 Please Click here

Thoughts like a River

Green River- Wailuku Stream

I think a lot. Maybe more than some. Woody says that I "think " more than any person that he has ever met. Thats why he cannot understand why I "cannot" control my temper or figure out how to cope. In truth, what he cannot grasp is that our God is His wonderful sense of humor has chosen to punish this man that "abandoned the wife of his youth," (or at least his first wife, he married her at 34 so he was no wet behind the ears stripling,) at a time when she really needed him, in a early and lamented menopause, when she was totally unable to cope. God is allowing Woody to experience this full throttle again when I throw a hissy fit like the one I did today when I found cat food strewn over four square meters of the lanai. The buggers played in their wet food and the place stinks like fish uggh! Screamed my head off and you know it felt good.

Its been a frustrating week or two.

Well, Im letting go of it and thats good...

I do think a lot. I am in the words of one therapist "way too cognitive, when do the feelings come out?..." At the time I didnt think it was safe to express myself like I do, the rejection had been way too deep and long. Its a testiment to Woody, and to maturity not to mention hormones (cause I dont give a rip anymore about what people think)that I feel safe enough to scream and throw things (soft things, not living things, kitties are safe)May God help me to find the balance!

Im writing this post to let you all know that I am going to be taking a brief (really brief, Im still here) break from the daily grind to make a special presentation on My Wide Blue Seas. For the last several months I have been working on a, well, I dont know what you would call it. A body of work, Meditations, perhaps... any way I am pleased and somewhat relieved to be doing this. You all know that there are times when a project sort of "grabs" you and you cant rest till you do it. This was one for me. I have been haunted by this idea and the blog seems to be a good place to try out my writing. I hope to expound further on the subjects presented at a later time and a friend that read one of the essays said that I should publish them. This is my way of doing that.

In Honor of Patriot's Day, September 11 I want to present My Wide Blue Seas- Lux Aeterna" a Memoriam Blog beginning tomorrow Sept 5. You will be directed to the new site where the work will be posted daily for 7 days.I will resume my writing on Hawaii and everything else Sept 12, after my Carpal has had a rest. I will be checking the email at mywideblueseas@gmail.com.

Have a wonderful holiday weekend and week, I will be keeping an eye on your blogs. Aloha e Akua Aloha Nui Loa (God Bless you with His great love!)

DRG