My Wide Blue Seas

Psalm 138 ~ Give Thanks To The Lord

2010-11-28T21:28:00.000-06:00

Of David.

I give you thanks, O Lord, with my whole heart;
before the gods I sing your praise;

Psa 138:2 I bow down toward your holy temple
and give thanks to your name for your steadfast love and your faithfulness,
for you have exalted above all things
your name and your word.[fn1]

Psa 138:3 On the day I called, you answered me;
my strength of soul you increased.[fn2]

Psa 138:4 All the kings of the earth shall give you thanks, O Lord,
for they have heard the words of your mouth,

Psa 138:5 and they shall sing of the ways of the Lord,
for great is the glory of the Lord.

Psa 138:6 For though the Lord is high, he regards the lowly,
but the haughty he knows from afar.

Psa 138:7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
you preserve my life;
you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies,
and your right hand delivers me.

Psa 138:8 The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;
your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.
Do not forsake the work of your hands.

How He Loves

2010-06-04T19:49:00.000-05:00

Summer Pastures Near Rogers AR

June 4th 2010

He is jealous for me,

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane,
I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight
of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware
of these afflictions
eclipsed by glory,
And I realize
just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections
are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

We are His portion
and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption
by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean,
we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth
like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently
inside of my chest,
I don’t have time
to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

He loves us
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Song “How He Loves”
Written by John Mark McMillan
AS CAP/CCLI/©2005 John Mark McMillan
www. thejohnmark. Com

I am rather particular about worship songs. I despise schlock that passes as Praise Music and these Top 40 songs that make Jesus sound like your girlfriend… When I would hear this song on the radio, as it has hit the charts again with a recover by the Dave Crowder Band I would turn the station as I found it… juvenile.

However we have been singing this song a lot at the contemporary service at the Methodist church, and the kids seem to love it at the Youth Mass at Catholic Church. I also have a friend continually concerned that I just cant seem to process the love of God in my heart who gently ordered me to “sing the song to yourself ten times a day until you can begin to understand the meaning of the message…Jesus loves YOU… and so do I…”

So… I have been bombarded by this tune. It seems that God wants to tell me something about Himself. Something that I have found impossible to understand.

I have been stuck for quite a while… wrestling with the ideas of Gods love and Grace and His will and the calamities the befall us all. I have had more than my share of grief in my life. In this time of relative calm it seems that memories and long buried pains are cropping up like dragons teeth. I would find myself sobbing for no reason and the nightmares at times have been terrible. I would pray and pray and read scripture…Finally I had an appointment with my therapist, who challenged me to try to find myself in that ultimate book of human vs calamity…the book of Job.

I am on an odyssey to find myself in the pages of this book, to allow the words of the scriptures bring up old memories, feelings fears and pain and to write about it. The first few chapters were so agonizing that I wasn’t going to keep on with it. But another friend challenged me to keep trying. That he was struggling through a lot of the same issues and was doing a similar exercise with writing . While it is hard, I have found some beautiful things to think about. So I am going to keep after it.

Another friend, when I shared with her about my situation, passed into my hands a wonderful book called “Why Am I Afraid To Love?” by Fr. John Powell SJ. It its few pages he explains in layman’s terms how the lack of love sharing experiences in early childhood, make it difficult if not impossible for a person to understand and appreciate love expressed to them by another human being but most importantly from God Himself. I see myself over and over again in the examples given and points taken. I realize that the abuse has taken its toll, and that our family system is so broken on a grand scale that any expectation of "normal" whatever that is will not be productive

In trying to gain some perspective on the subject, I am also trying to understand the possessive but inclusive nature of the love of God… God Wants to posess us exclusively but also inclusively within the context of His Body...When a human has “loved” me possessively, it hasn’t been a good thing at all… God loves me possessively I need to think more about this

In spending time meditating on this, I have decided that I really don’t know what love is. I don’t know how to give or receive love, I don’t know if I have ever been truly loved by another person. There have always been conditions, expectations and demands…most of which I was unable to meet. I am so hurt inside that I am afraid to reach out, to believe in and to trust…in anyone or anything

I want to learn how to love aright. Im not sure that I can on my own without the help of another person…Im not sure if I will ever begin to understand it, on a human level let alone the unconditional love of God. The book that I have been reading seems to point towards relationship being the answer… I am really ready to find this I am seeking this growth everyday and want the truth to fill my life and my heart

Until I do find what I am looking for, I will continue to feel like this tree in my photo grounded in the solid earth soaking up the nourishing rain and sun, but battered by the storms of life. It is my prayer to grow to be better able to cope with the storms of life so like this sapling, I can be strong enough to withstand the hurricane of His love

Memorial Day Blessings

2010-05-31T11:55:00.000-05:00

To be free to fly the flag one of our blessings. Pear Tree Cottage Bella Vista AR

I am blessed beyond words and sometimes I fear that things cannot go on this way... I feel amazed.

The dark moments I sometimes have are the grief that has been pent up for years. I cry and move on the day is brighter and I am happy much of the time. I am so thankful to God for this.

I have had contact from my nephew Dave and his wife Ashleigh, through Facebook, that my brother Steve has been ill and in a medically induced coma. He has wakened, is lucid and talking. I dont know the hows and whys of this but I am thrilled that they tried to contact me. I have let them know that I am available to communicate at any level that he chooses. I pray that this is soon.

I count my blessings daily...

My faith and the ability to receive my Lord Body Blood Soul and Divinity in His church

My continuing involvement with the BVUMC and my many friends there

For the contact with my family, for their health and well being and for Gods protection and providing for Woody in his circumstances

For my work, my vocation and avocations, for the provision my job has provided so I have peace and bread in my house and the gift of time so I might begin the healing process of a life times worth of pain.

And there is much more...but I cannot list it all...you my readers are a blessing to me too. Thank you for your love and encouragement

The Prodigal Returns

2010-05-20T22:22:00.000-05:00

Woody in his native place, Seal Beach CA 2008

The Prodigal Returns

A little meditation on the word forgive can throw some rather surprising light on our understanding of the word.

We are asked to forgive those who have injured us. Unless we have first judged and condemned them for what they did, there would be no reason for us to forgive them. Rather we would have to forgive ourselves for judging

Scripture says: “Judge not that ye be not judged” If we do not judge-no matter how great the injury or how pre meditated- we are at fault. Following this train of thought to its logical conclusion, we can see that we can forgive only ourselves. In doing so, we also forgive the person whose action we have resented

“thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself” tells me I must first make peace with myself before I can learn to love others. I must remind myself constantly that I can never know any other person’s motives and conditioning. I must for my own sake, accept them as they are a large ingredient of that acceptance is loving tolerance.

Father, forgive them for they know not what they do…Luke

And forgive me for judging and retaliating. Help me to forgive myself . I know this is the first step toward spiritual security

From One Day At A Time in Alanon April 29th reading

I find myself fearful that these good times wont last…I have not had an extended period of peace and happiness in my life in decades There has always been something to come along and mar the beauty of a moment. People think I am overly negative… Im just reporting the news

I talk to my therapist about this. I talk to my “Moms” these are two ladies near to my mother’s age that I have adopted as my surrogate mothers. One is a retired social worker with a gift for listening and asking penetrating questions that spur me to greater efforts in my recovery and life. She is wonderfully supportive with phone calls notes and little outings. The other lady is a neighbor. She is a witty, worldly wise woman, 5 times married (twice to husband number 3) and is not afraid to say what needs to be said to me. Both ladies love Abigail, and will walk her when needed. I have used all of their support these past few weeks as I have confronted the past and tried to integrate my new outlook on life with a reality that I knew would finally come to pass.

. Just when I thought that things were going to settle… I had a phone call from Woody a month ago . Out of money, out of friends, out of people’s good graces, he was given some money and told to be gone. So much for the childhood friendships of a lifetime…. These were the friends that he wanted to emulate, that I believe deep in his soul he longed to be a true brother, a part of their family…

Those friends that he put ahead of me so many times...When I think about the past and those people it burns me up… Every Saturday, it was them, every birthday weekend, “ Oh the boys are going for the opening of Del Mar…” I was never included in their gatherings and many of them never bothered to be introduced. When he was with them he spent money like the big money people they are… I don’t know what to think of them, but I do know that once Woody didn’t have money anymore they didn’t want Woody.

I wonder how that must have felt. These men were a part of his life that he cherished. He wanted to belong to this family to this group all of his life . To have them treat him like that…yet, they all know that he spent his money and hasn’t worked. They know what happened here with me. Perhaps there just wasn’t any sympathy left for him.

So he comes back here to NW Arkansas. It is cheaper here, and people are more accepting I think. I have certainly found it so. But that doesn’t mean its easy here. This is, as one friend put it a, “right to starve “ state. Very little in the way of public services, no general relief, and I was never able to qualify for any public assistance. I am not unsympathetic. Woodys situation is sad and scary to me. He is nearly 60. His hair is nearly white, pretty though, but he has aged poorly, is unsteady on his feet, and not well. He has high blood pressure and diabetes that is not well controlled… He has no family left, certainly none here and no prospects for a job. He has now gone through his little bit of cash and as soon as he gets kicked out of the little camping cabin hes renting for 100.00 a week, he will be back to living where he was living when he first came back here, in the parking lot of the Walmart Super Center , Pleasant Grove.

He is in good company, there are a dozen families living there, camping in the evenings. I know the staff there at the super center, as that is where I have done my after work, after midnight shopping for several years. A few nights ago I was there and as I parked I saw a old style van pull up from the back of the parking lot and out piled a woman and five small children… they walked in and went straight to the bathroom, to the shaking of heads of the associates… I told them that Woody was my former husband, and they remembered him and said they would look out for him if he came back there, and that it was a shame that a vet is homeless after serving our country like he has…

I don’t know what to think about this situation… Alanon and my program stresses detachement . This is not my problem I didn’t cause it I cant cure it and I cant control it. All things I have had to learn this past year. Woody made this happen How many times did I ask him to get work and not to spend his retirement his savings on crap that had no value. I have said what I can and now it is time to leave it. I don’t own any of this, and will not take it on as baggage

But I cant really, because he didn’t look back when he left me last summer, down to my last dime. Frightened, alone in many ways, the people around me not sure what to do or how to help me…if they should help me… or do we have to help her just because we are related… Thank God and a few brave, trusting, friends that believed in me, that I too didn’t end up sleeping in the Walmart parking lot. One snowy afternoon I was with Abigail in my van and I was watching the snow fall… I had been working about a month and said out loud to my sweet Abi how wonderful it was to have a warm bed, and a safe place to sleep and to live. I will never, never, never, forget how close I was to homelessness, and to those who choose to look down on the less fortunate I am here to tell you that most people cant help it that they are in this situation. Even Woody, who I believe is ill and not mentally capable to manage his affairs, this is not all his fault. Yes he could have done differently, but he has yet to discuss this with me, I don’t understand his thinking and perhaps never will. I don’t have to but perhaps there would be closure… I don’t know.

Woody is not moving in with me. I have an agreement to not take a room mate as my landlord doesn’t want to deal with subletting issues. I don’t blame him. I have been firm about how much contact I want…and even that sometimes is difficult for me. I see him and am reminded of the rejection and the pain I suffered while being married to him. Woody will never admit he is to blame for a lot of our issues, hey I have my issues as well, but the truth is I was reacting to him, for that I am sorry but he was doing stuff to make our life abnormal and impossible. For his sake, his not working and going through that money was a horrible mistake, the pain and heartache that caused me, as I worried about it I have often thought that he did it just to watch me suffer, a control issue. I know that I did a lot of things based on his behavior that were hurtful. I’m sorry for that as well.

And so it goes. An impoverished old age is my future which scares the heck out of me, and Woody, I don’t know what life will bring him already it is sad, pathetic even. He says things to me when he comes to the house… like my being there and having what I have is a surprise to him and that some how magically I have all of this…my home and my dog and my life… DAMN IT I WORKED SO HARD TO KEEP WHAT I HAVE AND NEVER GAVE UP, THAT’S WHAT… hed have a life too if he had fought just a little to keep what we had, if he’d taken the lead in our home and family and done the right thing…now… it was because he didn’t give two cents about me about himself or anything else. He cares now, but that’s because it is pretty awful to go without bathing and living in your stolen car…yes stolen because hes not made a 700.00 a month car payment in many months. I don’t know what will happen when his loan people catch up with him and turn him out of his home… I have a number of friends that think it is ironic that he is living in his car, since it was a car that started the incredible downhill slide that has lead to the events of the last year

It’s a long way from the Mauna Lani to this place we find ourselves in, I feel at a loss many times… just lost. Its bewildering.

But I press on

My friends, Barbara and Diane both tell me that I need to somehow move on from my feelings about this situation, Move forward…but its really hard when I am looking at the past… looking him right in the face and cant say what I feel. I look at him and can feel love towards him but I also feel the pain… the word “rejected” burning in my forehead once more… When he came to see me the first time I felt like a plant that had just begun to bloom in the early spring only to have winter come back and freezing the tender leaves, turning them black and ugly…The ugly are the wounds that hatred and rage burned into my inner being, that have only recently started to heal. I found that I couldn’t write, even letters or in my journal, let alone on line, I couldn’t hardly talk to my therapist about it, I have all of these feeling stuffed deep down inside of me. Feelings that want to come out, that need to be let out. My therapist gave me a project… to read the book of Job, and write about seeing myself in the book and how God dealt with me. That wallowing in the past only made me more depressed. I have given up that track and now am reading and trying to see how God is dealing with me in the present moment and that is going a lot better. It turns on the Gratitude meter , and I find more joy in the daily journey.

I have the opportunity at intervals to talk to him. I sometimes stop by Pleasant Grove on my way home from work. As we talk over trivia, I am pretty much frustrated at Woody’s lack of understanding and willingness to talk about the issues of the past. I want to let it go but I am confronted by the past every time I see him. There has never been closure or resolution at all… The conflicting feelings of anger and angst, my concern that he will be spending a very long time in a parking lot because I have my doubts about his employability, and my desire to not be involved and the feeling that as a Christian I have a responsibility to help, after all one can get divorced, but one can never become unmarried to someone. All of this leaves me baffled and confused. I reach for my Conference Approved Literature and read about detachment and affirmations of self worth… I say Diane’s mantra over and over “I am worthwhile…I am worthwhile…” that seems to undo the predations of enduring Woody’s destructive behavior.

The darkness cycles. I see him, I do his laundry, the laundry of a homeless man with issues that make it a penitential act to do this. I think about how Jesus touched lepers, and cared for those people that others rejected. Woody is no longer feeling like a well loved child of privilege. I wonder how he feels. I have always hoped that I underestimate his level of feeling but much of the time it appears that he isn’t the feeler or thinker that I am. I fold the clean clothing and place it in a trash bag, and deliver it to a dark parking lot and ask God to help all of this make sense to me. I believe with all of my heart that He has a plan for each of us. We just need to have the will to pray for the will to carry it out

All of the News

2010-05-10T21:17:00.001-05:00

A Dogwood Cloud Bella Vista AR

Again one thousand pardons for the long silence. My life is full Full Full Full and that is a very good thing. I also chose to take a sort of fast on all things computer including Facebook and blogging, and realize just how much time I have been investing in these past times… I also haven’t been watching as much tv either preferring to read and crochet in my spare time….But… All is well in 100 Acre Wood, and I will try to catch you all up on all of the news…

First I have posted some back posts on my Reception into the Catholic Church. I feel very different. When I think about the emptiness in my heart I try to remember that God not only resides within me spiritually but now physically in the form of the Blessed Sacrament. There are still some very hard times…as you will read but there are so many more good times that I just cant begin to count and I am so very grateful to God for this change in my life. I still have dark moments times when I feel like there is this oppressive darkness overshadowing me. I realize that I have to have time to do the grieving of a lifetime. It just takes time

Just before Easter I had a physical challenge unlike anything I have experienced in my life. As you might remember my teeth are really my great physical weakness. I am always having issues with them and with not having insurance it makes it very difficult to deal with. My dentist has been very kind, often seeing me for no charge or a very reduced fee. Two years ago before I left for Louisville I had a bunch of dental work done, one tooth was decayed up into the roots, the dentist cleaned it out and filled it and all seemed well with it, until it started bothering me around Christmas time. I went to see the dentist and we didn’t see anything.

Well the rotten tooth reared its ugly head and roared! I woke up one morning to the worst pain I have ever felt in my life… a screaming twisting pain that came in waves and left me feeling like I was going to have a heart attack. I got to the dentist that day. By the time I got into the dentist to see him I was swollen up from the top of my scalp clear down my left side of my face to my shoulders. My temperature was 103. The x rays showed the decay was back and that the whole tooth was infected, as was my jaw and all of the glands in the region. I was very very ill,… falling down ill for the first day or so. He prescribed antibiotics and Vicodin for the pain. He wanted me to stay home in bed, However I dragged myself to work every night, dosed myself on heavy drugs and kept on. The Antibiotics did their work and I had the tooth pulled a week later. It couldn’t be done any sooner because disturbing it would have sent infection up into my brain. My brain was already infected and had I had insurance I would have been hospitalized. My head was throbbing constantly and eating was impossible without feeling like I was going to just cave from the pain…

Finally I called in and arranged to have the surgery done. I had been on antibiotics for 5 days and the dentist thought that it would be ok to go ahead and pull it. He numbed me up but it still felt like my face exploded when he pulled it out. After the initial shock of it all, I was amazed at how much relief I felt once the tooth was pulled out, there was copious bleeding, but that let up in a few hours and the swelling and pain subsided right away. After months of discomfort and at times downright misery the relief was a Godsend. Its been good to be able to eat hot and cold things again and my diet is improving now. Cold fruits and salads no longer kill me, and hopefully my weight will start to drop again.

Work has been going very well. I still have a lot to learn but the managers are very kind and they praise me for my diligence and attention… The drivers love me and call in sometimes just to talk. I feel for these men and women. They are the backbone of this country and the most forgotten necessary workers we have in our economy. Like our soldiers, they are away from home for long periods of time. They are lonely sad and tired. Many have chosen this life as a last resort. I know two men who came to this occupation from homelessness. The truck provided work and a place to sleep at night. My heart goes out to them, when they say how they need to get home…their wives and children need to see them. I agree, but this is a trucker’s lot. I treat them like the soldiers that they are. I remind them that they chose this life and I try to find out where they are from. And quickly look up the unemployment figures for their town. Of ten just the reminder of the horrible job market where they came from is enough to get them to count their blessings and go forward. It certainly is enough for me, this small daily reminder. I count my blessings every day thanking God and my employer for my job.

I have finalized a lot of things. I had my court appearance for my Bankruptcy and it was approved. The Trustee had a few questions about my business and my timeshares in Florida that I am giving back to the Owners Association. All was well and he was satisfied with the presentation. I still have to take the on line finance course and it will discharge in July. It’s a relief to have this off of my back.

With my confirmation I am looking for ways to integrate with my new church. I go to Mass on Saturday evenings, and on Sunday mornings if I work the day before…My Saturday shift is once every four weeks and is grueling, so often I don’t even get up to get to Mass. Its excused as often I am so weary I am wobbling from fatigue. I keep the Sabbath and stay home with Abigail. Monsignor Scott is very supportive and is just glad that I seem to be so happy about my decision and I am.

He has a project that he wants me to work on and that is to prepare to tell my conversion story to the next RCIA class. Because they meet at night and I work at night we have thought about doing this by video recording in the talk show news magazine style a la The Journey Home, a show that runs on EWTN weekly that tells conversion stories with a call in question and answer format. We wont have an audience but I can trust that Msgr will have some good questions. I don’t know when I will do this but I thought that I would start working on the scripting as I can

I have also injected a creative venue into my life that is very new and a great opportunity. I have wanted to learn to crochet. I have wanted to do this for a long time, but never really just taken the plunge and tried it. So in January I bought some yarn and a book and gave it a whirl. Not so hot… Well on my way to the lawyers office I saw this place called the Crafty Cottage. They offer all sorts of crafts, knitting, crocheting, leather and pottery work, sewing and quilting. I called and got set up with a private instructor, a wonderful young mother named Tammy, who is patient and sweet and great at showing me the basics and allowing me the chance to make mistakes and learn. Its taking me time to learn. I missed a few weeks and found that I had forgotten much of what I had learned. She said “never mind!” and we started up again. Its my hope that we will get to a place where I can follow a pattern and make things for the holidays. I started by making a not quite round bright yellow ball for Abi which she loves… she also loves the balls of yarn and enjoys watching me crochet and wants to “help”. She really likes to sneek into my bag and fish out the spare balls of practice yarn and run about with them . This studio has all sorts of opportunities for me to try new things and I intend to take advantage as I have time.

Speaking of Abigail she has had some changes too. She was having lots of issues with her skin and coat, her pretty hair matting into a tease that my big hair girl friends would envy. She looked fat from the knots, and was becoming afraid of me, because when I would pet her I would try to pick at least one knot out. I was brushing, trimming, spraying no tangle stuff on her to no avail. Finally I had her shaved…to the skin. Just her pretty tail and top knot are left….Once she was freed from the mass of hair she was…tiny…maybe even underweight, and she became an even more outgoing, cuddly, loving dog. Everyone around me has noticed the change in her. She enjoys her walks more and I think is not so hot from trapped body heat. Its been almost 6 weeks since her “makeover” and the new growth is curly so she looks and feels like a little lamb, very soft and sweet…I will let the fur grow longer in the winter but I will likely not keep her in full coat again. Its just so time consuming to keep her grooming up that way and my little “wash and wear” doggie is a delight. I no longer worry if she wants to get in the mud, or if its wet out we just go walking and we go further and have more fun. If shes too dirty I take her in the shower with me once we get home from our walking trip…easy… She seems pleased with the change, though I got the distinct impression that she felt “nekked” for the first few days.

The beauty of this spring time has made my evening drives to work pleasant. Flowers and flowering trees are blooming everywhere. I have gotten the urge to plant things and have a few flower pots in my front yard. My drives to work and church are lovely pastoral journeys, that make me calm and only add to the feeling that life is very good. I have repaired my van, and when I have the time later on this summer, I hope to take road trips around the area and see things that I haven’t seen yet…

There is a fullness, a contentedness that I have not had before and I love this time I have for myself It is bliss and I am so happy about it .

Was it worth the long wait as I was job hunting?…yes. Like my pastor friend said “ When God closes one door He opens another…its just hell in the hallway…” and yes it was…But the worse days are behind me, the gentle successes is easing the lines off of my face and the soreness out of my heart. Life is good, very good at Peartree Cottage. Thank you for your prayers… they have been answered

The Greatest Gift

2010-04-04T13:59:00.001-05:00

The Table of Our Lord, the Altar of St Francis of Rome Church Clifton, Louisville KY

The eternal spring is hidden
in this living bread for our life's sake,
although it is night.
It is here calling out to creatures;
and they satisfy their thirst,
although in darkness,
because it is night.
This living spring that I long for,
I see in this bread of life,
although it is night.
- St. John of the Cross

"The Bread that we need each day to grow in eternal life, makes of our will a docile instrument of the Divine Will; sets the Kingdom of God within us; gives us pure lips, and a pure heart with which to glorify his holy name, "
- Edith Stein

"Were it not for the constant presence of our divine Master in our humble chapel, I would not have found it possible to persevere in sharing the lot of the lepers in Molokai...The Eucharist is the bread that gives strength... It is at once the most eloquent proof of His love and the most powerful means of fostering His love in us. He gives Himself every day so that our hearts as burning coals may set afire the hearts of the faithful,"
- Blessed Fr. Damien, Apostle of the Lepers

"Let us go with confidence to the throne of grace that we may obtain mercy and find grace,"
- (Heb. 4:16)

Father, now Saint Damien Molokai’i ae, is one of the two holy people that have gone before me, that I have selected to be my patrons. The other is Edith Stein, in religion Teresa Benedicta a Cruse, a Jewess who converted to Christianity then after ten years of teaching was received into the Carmelite Order. St. Damien died of leprosy contracted in conjunction with his ministry. St. Edith was murdered for simply being of a certain race. The communion of Saints has always been a reality for me. I never believed that those that die are not alive. They are living on another plane, another dimension. And that they are there for us

I have been asked by many “Why would you change your faith or your religion at this time of your life?...” “ What was it that drew you to this Church so full of controversies and contradictions…” A church that is daily reviled in the news, insulted in the press and scorned by many of my friends who left her angry confused and hurt… A church misunderstood, called stone age, irrelevant, woman hating, superstitious, filled with heresies, idolatry and untruth. None if this is true of course…

Was it the leading of John Michael Talbot, (who said to me recently that becoming a Roman Catholic made him a better Methodist. That by following Christ by studying the example of St. Francis of Assisi, he has become better conformed to Christ in the image of John Wesley…) or my Methodist minister friend,( who was supportive but I think perplexed…). Both have been called by one angry friend “false prophets” but they have had little to do with this journey. They have encouraged me but not pushed me in any direction.

Was it the long period of no church attendance, then the plunge into a liturgical experience over the past few years? Was it my own disgust at the way praise and worship has become top 40 songs that make Jesus sound like He is your girlfriend, and worship leaders treated like rock stars…or how the “Bible” church go-ers have become modern day Pharisees, judgmental overfed sheep that cant make their way out of the feedlot of their churches into the world that sorely needs what they have been so carefully taught!... Is it the incredible narrowness that I have seen in fundamentalist congregations or the outrageousness of some Pentecostal gatherings where people growled like dogs, and flopped on the floor in a crazed abandon, spouting nonsense.

"What Christ gives us is quite explicit if his own words are interpreted according to their Aramaic meaning. The expression 'This is my Body' means this is myself"
Karl Rahner

In fact it was the Calvary Chapels, the verse by verse exposition of the scriptures and the mantra of their founder Chuck Smith…”Read the Word-What does it say?” that propelled me in an all out search for the Truth. It was 10 years ago, as I was reading Kathleen Norris’s “ Amazing Grace, A Vocabulary of Faith” that I decided to look at what Catholics believed and why they are viewed differently than any other “brand” of Christianity. I read two passages of scripture below with “Catholic” eyes... That study totally rocked my theological worldview

John 6:48-69
I am the bread of life. Your fathers ate the manna in the wilderness, and they died. This is the bread that comes down from heaven, so that one may eat of it and not die. I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. And the bread that I will give for the life of the world is my flesh.”
The Jews then disputed among themselves, saying, “How can this man give us his flesh to eat?” So Jesus said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day. For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him. As the living Father sent me, and I live because of the Father, so whoever feeds on me, he also will live because of me. This is the bread that came down from heaven, not as the fathers ate and died. Whoever feeds on this bread will live forever.” Jesus said these things in the synagogue, as he taught at Capernaum.
When many of his disciples heard it, they said, “This is a hard saying; who can listen to it?” But Jesus, knowing in himself that his disciples were grumbling about this, said to them, “Do you take offense at this? Then what if you were to see the Son of Man ascending to where he was before? It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is of no avail. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life. But there are some of you who do not believe.” (For Jesus knew from the beginning who those were who did not believe, and who it was who would betray him.) And he said, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless it is granted him by the Father.”
After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him. So Jesus said to the Twelve, “Do you want to go away as well?” Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.”

James 5:14-16
Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

These scriptures are explicit in their clarity. I have read commentary and discussed these with a number of learned people and I am convinced that they are literal and to the point. That Jesus, was saying that He himself would become a Spiritual Food somehow…and that I was to confess to a human and that I would be forgiven…. I am no scholar no theologian, but what the Bible said was what the Church teaches and has taught since the earliest times and this is what convinced me that the fullness of Christian life is to be found in the Roman Catholic Church.

You can be a Christian and not be Catholic, you will go to heaven if you have faith in Jesus, but if you want the fullness of historic Christian tradition, you aren’t going to find it in the feel good mega churches or by staring at a tree in your back yard… You will find it in the depths of the mystery of the Church founded by Christ Himself

Yes… there are many other things that lead me to “Cross the Tiber… I love the pageantry, the theater of the Mass, the many readings of scripture and the comfort of knowing that you are going to get what you get every time you go…But the two things among the many, Two Sacraments of Seven…. They were the clincher. I have written on one of them, Reconciliation and Absolution. The other is the Eucharist… The Real Presence… The Holy Communion that can only be found in Holy Mother Church and her daughters of Orthodox traditions... Sadly it cannot exist in the churches of the separated brethren that I have known all of my life. I am convinced that only consecrated priests that can trace their ordininal lineage back to the Apostles have the authority to consecrate the elements. Anything else is only a symbol, a symbolic ceremony that anyone can perform and if it treated that way, I have no problem with this, but in churches like the Methodist church where only a handful of its ministers have this traceable authority (for example,if there are any women in the line of ordination that will disqualify you for starters) this is a huge issue. There has to be authority, if there isnt then my puppy could confect the sacrament… My friends, if the Holy Sacrament is merely symbolic why should we care…this has been a question that I have asked myself for a long long time

"The Bread of heaven puts an end to symbols."
- Office for the Feast of Corpus Christi

I have seen communion services treated like picnics or free for alls that leave a huge mess on the floor. Yes I have also seen reverence and dignity, but I have also seen it done carelessly and with no thought to what is being said by the foolishness, Worse was seeing it done by rote week in and week out with no explanation. I have been in churches that don’t have communion but once a year, and I have seen Open Tables which are a mockery of scripture in 1 Corinthians 11:27-32

Whoever, therefore, eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of profaning the body and blood of the Lord. Let a person examine himself, then, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup. For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment on himself. That is why many of you are weak and ill, and some have died. But if we judged ourselves truly, we would not be judged. But when we are judged by the Lord, we are disciplined so that we may not be condemned along with the world.

The Eucharist is for Believers not Seekers. Being a seeker is great I have been one for many years. I went forward and was "blessed" by different priests in different settings. I was not in the least embarrassed to be different. I want what God wants and political correctness for the sake of inclusion has no place here. We really need to get over this...

"The Blessed Sacrament is indeed the stimulus for us all, for me as it should be for you, to forsake all worldly ambitions. Without the constant presence of our Divine Master upon the altar in my poor chapels, I never could have persevered casting my lot with the lepers of Molokai; the foreseen consequence of which begins now to appear on my skin, and is felt throughout the body. Holy Communion being the daily bread of a priest, I feel myself happy, well pleased, and resigned in the rather exceptional circumstances in which it has pleased Divine Providence to put me."
- Blessed Fr. Damien, Apostle of the Lepers

The Eucharist is a gift to us here on earth. It is the way Christ would cement the living stones of His church together… a building up…a unifying factor…and I desired this Oneness with Our Lord so much. I knew that and while it was hard to wait I wanted something in my life that wasnt tainted by rushing or choosing my own way. I am so glad that I waited and that I was able to have a first true holy communion...

"Neither theological knowledge nor social action alone is enough to keep us in love with Christ unless both are proceeded by a personal encounter with Him. Theological insights are gained not only from between two covers of a book, but from two bent knees before an altar. The Holy Hour becomes like an oxygen tank to revive the breath of the Holy Spirit in the midst of the foul and fetid atmosphere of the world,"
- Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen

And so I began this long journey, Three Churches, Four Catechists, 12 years and 10,000 miles of wandering later, I stood before Msgr Scott and the congregation at St. Steven Church and said more "I do's" than I repeated at my two marriage ceremonies combined. I felt my forehead being signed three times and the heavy sweet scented chrism oil crossed on my forehead and temples...the same kind of oil used to anoint priests and because they are the head of the Church of England, the Kings and Queens of England as well. I am an anointed princess and a priest...a true daughter of God, and of His Church...

Then I heard my new name "Teresa Damien Molokai ea" and there was a roar in my ears and the sound of the drums striking the last note of a Mele or chant and the ensuing silence. I think the roar was voices... and Father said later when I shared this that they were the voices of those forgotten ones, those sent to the fires at the death camps by the Nazis, those lepers tossed off the ships into the raging Pacific off the coast of Molokai'i, too weak and sick to swim they would drown in the heavy surf. My patron saints cared for these people and in turn I will be cared for as well... The struggle of this part of my journey has ended. The Word of prophecy I received last Fall, that before the summer came, my hard journey would end, has come to pass... The final drumbeat signaled a new song was beginning.

“Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed…”
The final words said by the priest prior to the serving of the Eucharist….

I went forward for the Host and when Father placed it in my mouth, I stood there in a sort of amazed shock..."I have God in my mouth..." was all I could think, but as I tasted the precious blood for the first time I realized that this was different from any experience of Our Lord I have ever known, a closeness and a sweetness that is unsurpassed. I was high, on a different plane than when I walked into the church.
For me and for others that have experienced this celebration, it is a life changing moment. You are never the same again. I am free to worship where I will but the table of Our Lord is now open to me in any church anywhere in the world. I now have 1 Billion brothers and Sisters. The next week as I worshiped I felt the same spine tingle when I received my Lord and my God. When Jesus said he would be with us forever he really meant it physically forever, within us. I never understood the power of that . Christ more than a intellectual expression, more than theology, worship and service… Actually in my hands in my mouth, under my heart. It is my hope that my faith will grow stronger now that I have this tangible reality in my life. It is the Greatest Gift I have ever been given.

With thanks to
http://www.therealpresence.org/index.html

Confirmed Hokulea and Mgsr Scott

"Amazing Love"... a song for Good Friday

2010-04-02T17:00:00.000-05:00

The Crucifix outside the Shrine of Monte Cassino, St Meinrads Archabbey Indiana

Enjoy this musical meditation on our Lords Passion and Love for us...

http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/chris-tomlin-amazing-love/28ba58ebba1b79a209ac28ba58ebba1b79a209ac-1713253253722

Amazing Love

I’m forgiven because You were forsaken,
I’m accepted, You were condemned.
I am alive and well, Your spirit is within me,
Because You died and rose again.

Amazing love,
How can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love,
I know it’s true.
It’s my joy to honor You,
In all I do, I honor You.

You are my King
Jesus You are my King
You are my King
Jesus You are my King
You are my King
Jesus You are my King

Amazing love,
How can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love,
I know it’s true.
It’s my joy to honor You,
In all I do, I honor You.

You are my King
You are my King
You are my King

Chris Tomlin

Father I Put My Life In You Hands ~ a meditation for Good Friday

2010-04-02T12:47:00.002-05:00

the Cross...Little Portion Retreat Center Eureka Springs Ar

http://www.youtube.com/user/JesusOurSalvation#p/f/64/Z6TyEsgFzkw

Philippians 3:7-16~Forgetting What Lies Behind..

2010-03-21T10:13:00.000-05:00

Snow in the shadows a bit of snow clinging to the sunless areas of the forest near Bentonville AR

But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ.Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead,I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you.Only let us hold true to what we have attained.

Reconcilliation and Absolution

2010-03-20T22:31:00.007-05:00

Light To The World Lighted Cross that perches in a very steep hillside overlooking the valley below...
Mount Sequoyah Conference Center Fayetteville Arkansas

3-17-10

Every child who received Christian instruction learns the story of the man who's friends brought him to Jesus by lowering him through the roof. You remember that first Jesus says to him "My son, your sins are forgiven you"... This gave rise to protests from religious leader present and even today you will hear in Protestant Churches..."Who can forgive sins but God alone?"... Jesus goes on to say "Why do you ask this question? Which is easier to say, "your sins are forgiven or Rise, take up your bed and walk? But so you will know that the Son of Man has the authority to forgive sins I say to you "Rise, take up your bed and walk" (Mark 2:1-12) As a Protestent I longed to hear those word said to me... "my son, your sins are forgiven you" As a Church of Christ Preacher I would preach sermons about forgiveness and wonder..truly are my sins forgiven?... There is much emphasis on the Lord's Supper...and the need to be fully confessed and not partake in an "unworthy manner".Was I unworthy? Was that why certain sins kept "hanging on" Was there something unaffective in my baptism ( I Cor 11:27)

All along I wondered if I needed to have been alive in the time of Jesus to have heard those words of pardon and forgiveness, or would I forever wonder...

Bruce Sullivan "Christ In His Fullness"

Jesus said to them again, “Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, even so I am sending you.” And when he had said this, he breathed on them and said to them, “Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of anyone, they are forgiven; if you withhold forgiveness from anyone, it is withheld.”
St John 20:21-23

The Church is quiet, it is in the middle of the day, I can hear, off in the distance, the laughter of the preschoolers in the day care center that is run there on the campus. I wait in the Adoration Chapel until Msgr Scott comes and gets me... "Well... are you ready?" he says with a smile..."ready as I will ever be" and we walk into the church through a set of glass doors to the confessional room.

Gone are the days of tiny closets and wooden boxes. With scandal and accusations ever at the forefront, there are few truly private confessionals anymore and certainly none in modern Catholic churches in this country. You have the illusion of privacy but the lightly stained glass and the clear glass doors so that both sides of the screen are in full view from the outside. Its obvious that people are in there… As one young man said in class…”Why be so concerned about visual privacy, so you are confessing to Father…so what?” So what indeed my young friend, hopefully you will never have anything so pressing and shameful that such privacy will be needed.

But like the young man, I have similar feelings about this most misunderstood of the seven Sacraments. I wonder why people don’t take advantage of this wonderful opportunity to have this kind non judgmental person that cares about you listen to you unburden yourself. I have wondered how hard this could be month in and month out….that was until I sat down and really thought about what a monumental task this was going to be to prepare for my first confession.

First I thought that I was going to have to go back to my childhood and confess as many sins as I could remember. That was enough to make me cringe. How does one do that? So true to my 21 century electronic age culture and information gathering skills I went to that wealth of spiritual resource Google and pulled up this gem http://anglicanhistory.org/pusey/pusey1.html this treatise, written 150 years ago, was very helpful. Then I met with Father and he said “Oh, no you have only to go back to when you were baptized, which was 1990…and no laundry lists, lets talk about real things that hold you back, get you down… things you want to be rid of …” That really helped a lot. I have a lot I want to lay down and I only have to deal with recent sins instead of a lifetimes worth of sins. This is because baptism effectively washed the sins of my youth from my soul… This was a new concept when I first heard it….and I think that this is one of the things that draws me to the Catholic church… The Sacraments

The Sacraments are efficacious signs of grace, instituted by Christ and entrusted to the Church, by which divine life is dispensed to us. The visible rites by which the sacraments are celebrated signify and make present the graces proper to each sacrament. They bear fruit in those who receive them with the required dispositions....

I intend to write more about the sacraments, but this is so important. We Evangelicals and Protestants of every stripe have lost a valuable gift in giving up the sacraments. I am only just now coming to understand the value of a tangible touchable understandable evidence of the graces imparted by our Lord… and the sacrament of Reconciliation or Pennace is one of the most misunderstood. I have heard from friends and family that “you don’t need a priest to be forgiven. Well that is true and the “forgiveness of desire” is found as a legitimate theological precept in the Catechism. However, the concept that “confession is good for the soul, is very accurate. As it says in the book of James

Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. James 5:14-16

I can only explain by telling the rest of the story.

I sat down over a course of days and broke my life down into segments based on lifes experience. My single life prior to meeting Woody, my courtship and marriage, the first few years , the time in Hawaii and then the time in Arkansas and our divorce. Like I have said before our life together was a play in three acts and it fit neatly into the structure laid out by Rev. Pussey in that article. I also wrote about my experience with Mr. Wonderful and confessed my inordinate attachment to him and how sorry I am for the damage this has caused so many people. I confessed my feelings of resentment towards my parents and my family, how even as they have hurt me deeply the resentment is a cancer that I want to be gone from my life….

My self indulgent sins, personal flaws and faults I had a laundry list, as do most people I filled a dozen pages or more in this notebook with the entire mess. I prayed about it and wondered how I would do….

I entered the room and there was a chair for me. This was a special appointment as I was not going to be able to go in the evening with the other candidates, since I am working. I sat down. I cant kneel anymore. My knees are so bad from the nasty falls I have taken and my weight. I opened my notebook and after Father said the bidding prayers…I began

“ Bless me Father for I have sinned. This is my first confession. I was baptized in June of 1990, and have tried with all of my heart to live the way Jesus would have me to live and I have failed most wretchedly, may God have mercy on my soul….”
I began to read my notes and it all came back to me. The sins both of commission and omission… I let it all go, from my bitterness regarding my barrenness to my desire for a married man I can never have, to my active rage at Woody for his faults, to my resentments towards my family for their misunderstanding and non acceptance of me… I asked God to forgive me of the defects of character that plague me due to my father’s and Woody’s drinking, and my mother’s controlling behavior.

My uncontrollable anger… My inordinate desires I cannot control…even my immaturity that while is not a fault or defect of character but in my struggle to try to grow up, I hurt people, and cause a lot of grief.

Father asked a few questions for clarification, admonished me to not see Mr. Wonderful again, ask if he was the reason for my divorce. I could say no truthfully. While he inspired me to find myself and to reach for better greater things he wasn’t the reason Woody and I are apart…and with that, I received the penance of saying the Rosary everyday for three days in reparation for the pain I have caused other people… and then came the Act of Contrition which I felt with all of my heart as I said these words…

“O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended thee, and I detest all my sins because of thy just punishment, but most of all because they offend Thee, my God, who art all-good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of thy grace, to sin no more and to avoid the near occasion of sin. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen”

Then Msgr Scott came to my side of the partition and stood over me and extended his hands in blessing over me, and prayed the prayer of absolution:

“God, the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of His Son
has reconciled the world to Himself and sent the Holy Spirit among us
for the forgiveness of sins;
Through the ministry of the Church may God give you pardon and peace,
and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.”

I have stood under waterfalls in Hawaiian streams, the pounding shower of water that flows over you in a stream of refreshing blissful coolness after a hot sweaty hike to get to them…It is one of the most wonderful feelings I have ever experienced… I had a similar rush after this prayer… I felt like a burden of years was lifted off of me and that God really and truly forgiven me.

Heaven opened wide its windows and the light of God poured into my heart… I will never forget this moment.

Father asked me if I felt different… Yes I do and yes I will be different from this day forward.

4-2-10

I finish this on the eve of my reception into the Church on Good Friday night. I am at work surrounded by my coworkers that are as supportive of this moment as family should be…some even in a sort of awe that I would do this at this point in my life. On man said that I will be forever changed after tomorrow night. I know that I am changed even now. Thank you God for this great gift

Isaiah 43:16-21 ~ God Is Doing a New Thing

2010-03-14T22:10:00.000-05:00

The Frozen Forest on a field of green grasss Bella Vista AR

Thus says the Lord,
who makes a way in the sea,
a path in the mighty waters,
who brings forth chariot and horse,
army and warrior;
they lie down, they cannot rise,
they are extinguished, quenched like a wick:
“Remember not the former things,
nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert.
The wild beasts will honor me,
the jackals and the ostriches,
for I give water in the wilderness,
rivers in the desert,
to give drink to my chosen people,
21the people whom I formed for myself
that they might declare my praise.

The Lenten Journey

2010-03-14T21:34:00.004-05:00

Late Spring at Lake Norwood Bella Vista AR

Yes its been quite a while. I had a birthday while I was away and that went well. My friend Diane took me to dinner and to see the brilliant choral group Kapelle she also gave me a nice gift of a car emergency kit, something I can really use with my 60 mile a day drive

I am sorry that I have neglected my blogs, but time escapes me... I am living life rather than writing about it, praying and preparing for my first Reconciliation which is this week. I only have to confess up to the point of my baptism in 1990. That leaves a multitude of sins I need to forget and a multitude that need confessing, so I shall do that on the 17th.

In between times of reflection there is work, which is going along well. I still have much to learn, I made a goal to learn three new procedures every week. I run around begging for help to get my work done, because the training program is non exist ant. But I choose to not let that stop me and I get through my evenings, and one day I will be as proficient as anyone else there...The men have been better about things and I will have another lady on the shift soon. Im very excited about this.

Working there is a daily test of my willingness to put into practice the things I have learned in Ala Non. Most importantly I am responsible for my feelings and how I react to things around me... And if I say something in all good faith and someone takes it wrong it is not my fault or worry that this other person feels bad. Or if these men misunderstand that as a woman I have feelings and stress might just make me cry once in a while.

Mostly I smile and type away all night. I am so happy to have this job...I fear that somehow like so many of the good things of my life's journey, it will suddenly be ripped away from me and all will be lost...So I work hard, I have a full work load now, and often I fall behind... I am not as fast a typist as the others, who have been there for a long time, but by the end of the day or night as it were I get caught up and all is well.

I am trying very very hard to live in the moment...to make every moment count, every financial decision count, spend money very wisely... To not think too far ahead. I try to just enjoy the day and not think about tomorrow for it may never come.

I heard from my lawyer, and can sign the bankruptcy papers and file within the week. I have prayed about this and while I feel terrible about the money, I see no other way. No one will work with me and the int rest has gone up so high that I can never hope to pay it all back. There is so much that I need from medical care to car repairs. I see no help for it...

I have also started my annulment from Woody with his blessing. What I thought would be a slam dunk due to the circumstances of my civil divorce. But it is going to be the same long process as the first one. I am discouraged about this but will submit myself and try this again. I don't know how this will turn out...I have no witnesses to offer support for my case I have neither family nor friend from the time I was married... I will start looking at people here but it will be difficult to say the least. I shall have to be creative. I want to get this done as soon as I can, because Woody is in a very unstable situation, and may disappear off the face of the earth

It must seem to some that read my blog that I am in the same position, but no, I shall be here for a good long time. NW Arkansas is my home. The beautiful snowy winter has been a trial but also a blessing as well, and has shown me the rightness of my decision to stay here and try to make a life here.... I know I have grown as a person. I am choosing to take along all that is good in my life and leaving behind all that hinders or is burden rather than a blessing... to that end....In the time that I have been away my comment generator has been replaced with a different system that is not really compatible with my elderly blogging platform. I am going to switch to Blogger commenting in the coming days. The loss of over 1700 comments on this blog is painful but I don't want a system that will allow the random posting of photos and videos on my blogs. I am hoping to get this upgrade in soon... And I am seriously considering ending my journal My Wide Blue Seas completely and moving to a new blogging home. The number of posts (over 1400) many with photos makes for a large blog. I also question the relevance of this blog to my new life and would a new blog allow for a fresh vision. Its an interesting idea and one that I am seriously looking at...

And so it goes. My Lenten journey with its reading, fasting, and deep prayers has been a good one and I look forward to seeing where God leads in coming days

Imposition And Election

2010-02-22T21:43:00.003-06:00

Gathering at the Table, the NW Deanery of the Dioscese of Little Rock gather for the Rites of Election at St Vincent De Paul Church Rogers Arkansas

"I will go peaceably and firmly to the Catholic Church: for if Faith is so important to our salvation, I will seek it where true Faith first began, seek it among those who received it from God Himself."

St. Elizabeth Ann Seton

I love the Catholic Church. There I have said it. For many reasons too nuemerous to count or account for, I love Holy Mother Church and today was my wedding day...so to speak. I wasnt prepared... I didnt know today was the day but like the story of the bridgroom and the wedding feast in the Bible (Matthew 25)I didnt hesitate to go forth and meet my Bridegroom...I jumped into something presentable and drove to Rogers where I was a part of a group of 150 Catachumens and Candidates for Full Communion (I am a part of the latter group as my two previous baptisms are valid in the eyes of the Church). There, some with sponsors, some like me had sponsors that couldnt make it, I was presented to Bishop Taylor, where he signed under the lists of names written in the Book of the Elect

In other words...Im official and can take the Sacrament in due course. I still have my first Confession...oh joy, but it is and I am looking forward to it...I am meeting with Father this week to discuss the preparations for this important Sacrament...as well as Easter Vigil which is the most amazing service complete with fire, and light the drama of recounting the lives of the saints and of course receiving us new ones into the faith, and embrace of the church

Its been quite a week for me spiritually. I am observing Lent as I have for the past three years. I observed the Fast and will continue to do so through the six weeks. I am also abstaining from shopping (now that I have purchased a new dress for Easter that is it...no more. I cant afford it anyway... limiting sweets and going out to eat. I have gained a lot of weight back. Beans and rice will do that, and frankly this is what and the way I was eating. I just want to THINK before I say yes to ordering dinner out with the boys. Better still be prepared and take a frozen meal with me or have something prepared that I can take with me to work in the evenings...and idle chatter. I work in a office full of men, as a rule males would prefer a limit to chatter and not to be bothered while trying to work. I respect that. At church I am paying careful attention to what I say and trying to listen more deeply and intentionally.

I went to the noon service at St Steven and Msgr Scott imposed the ashes on my forehead. I stood with one of the supervisors from Walmart.com who was always very supportive of my journey. The mass was beautiful and Msgr spoke on the need to develope self control not just as a needed spiritual discipline, but as an act of faith as well..an act of trust that God will provide everything that we need so we dont have to grasp and hang onto every little thing.

Imposition... to be imposed on.... Election, to be chosen or to choose... I chose both to take what God imposes on me for my good and all of the good things that God wants for my life I am finding that more and more everyday that He is truly giving me beauty for ashes and the oil of joy for the sprit of heaviness... and that by making my calling and election sure, I am breaking new ground spiritually. I dont know where this is all going to lead but I do know that God only calls me to take the next step. one step at a time

yours truly as she met with The Most Reverend Anthony Taylor Biship of Little Rock AR.

Isaiah 61~The Year of the Lord's Favor

2010-02-21T08:39:00.000-06:00

Golden Oak leaves in the snowfall

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor;
he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor,
and the day of vengeance of our God;
to comfort all who mourn;
to grant to those who mourn in Zion—
to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.
They shall build up the ancient ruins;
they shall raise up the former devastations;
they shall repair the ruined cities,
the devastations of many generations.

Strangers shall stand and tend your flocks;
foreigners shall be your plowmen and vinedressers;
but you shall be called the priests of the Lord;
they shall speak of you as the ministers of our God;
you shall eat the wealth of the nations,
and in their glory you shall boast.
Instead of your shame there shall be a double portion;
instead of dishonor they shall rejoice in their lot;
therefore in their land they shall possess a double portion;
they shall have everlasting joy.

For I the Lord love justice;
I hate robbery and wrong;
I will faithfully give them their recompense,
and I will make an everlasting covenant with them.
Their offspring shall be known among the nations,
and their descendants in the midst of the peoples;
all who see them shall acknowledge them,
that they are an offspring the Lord has blessed.

I will greatly rejoice in the Lord;
my soul shall exult in my God,
for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation;
he has covered me with the robe of righteousness,
as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
For as the earth brings forth its sprouts,
and as a garden causes what is sown in it to sprout up,
so the Lord God will cause righteousness and praise
to sprout up before all the nations.

A Familiar Foreign Land

2010-02-15T09:00:00.000-06:00

My Winter Wonderland Metfield Bella Vista AR

I am now into my third week on my job. In many ways things are going very well. I love my hours and the work is not the most difficult I have ever done...In fact the job at Walmart.com perhaps was more difficult, the pressure of the quota, the thought that peoples lives were about to be turned upside down when I would have to tell them that there identity had been stolen bore down heavy on me.

What I do now night after night is to comfort, console and direct over the road drivers, many of whom have been out away from home for weeks at a time. I am using a computer program that is based on AS400, so it looks like hieroglyphics on screen after screen and makes no sense at the first glance. I need an interpreter, and the men I am working with have been charged with that role...

Working with drivers and trucking is in my blood and bones. Since I was 11 years old as I told in this post Peaches To Winnepeg. I have heard the siren song of the 4 lane highway for as long as I can remember...the road trip is my idea of royal progress. And for those of my readers who dont get it, just stop into any big box store that had incresed your standard of living. Thank Joe and Jane Trucker for all of that stuff you buy. This is well known familiar place. I speak the language, and when I see the drivers here in NW Arkansas to go to our Driving School, or just pulled in for a load of Chicken from Tyson, or to get a tractor repaired or upgraded... I smile understanding the difficulty of their lot, thankful that they choose to do this work, and I do what I can to assist them. The problems hastles and considerations of this life are well known to me.

But the structure of the company, how they divide the duties and what are the priorities and corporate culture, this is new. I have never worked in a situation where they divide the duties the way this place does, and a lot of it I dont get yet...

The training has been spotty, and its been peppered with "Hey I dont have time for you to write notes down on this either you get it or you dont..." Which of course is a crock. I finally had them assign me some boards to watch which generate driver activity, I answer emails mostly, and ask a lot of questions. Sometimes I get answers... sometimes I try to wing it and it works out or it doesnt. It is a problem and as the week went on I found it harder and harder to swallow... They want me to fail and the smirk on one face when I told my supervisor out loud that after two weeks I hardly know how to sign on to the system told me this.

The truth is that the "tribe" doesnt want "Wendy" in the treehouse. She is like Mom, her presence spoils their fun, that cant cuss talk trash about women, goof off and not look at me and feel like guilty morons. I say nothing about this stuff, I dont comment or react. I cant afford to lose this job. I press on feeling like the enviroment is growing more and more hostile.

Finally it came to a head the other night when the pressure was on and things went going very well. We all had issues to deal with. I was getting very little help...The guy in front of me kept slamming his chair into the partition and my desk so hard that coffee was spilling not once but at least a dozen times, much cursing and muttering about how stupid drivers customers, the day shift...

Then I heard a comment about a "stupid bitch" and another guy said something about the cusser having sex with her...They went back and forth louder and louder with the most horrible violent statements against women I have heard in public in a long time... I was shocked. None of them looked at me as they were doing this but I was sitting right there. One of the two supervisors came running in and Shouted "Enough" and asked if I was alright. I guess I looked pretty bad,and shook my head. I was taken out of the room to a private office.

I was asked if I wanted to report the incedent..."I need this job," I told this man. "I cannot afford to make waves that might go against me, but this was intentional sexual harrassment, and I wont tolerate it. I need it understood that I am allowing you to deal with it tonight but the next time I will go over your head on this. I wont take the "Boys will be Boys nonesense..." "Nor will I accept the "We arent running a Sunday School in here line" He said he understood that... I also told him that should any of these guys decide that I am fair game for any of the things they ranted about tonight that I am not responsible for how I will choose to react or defend myself. I shouldnt have to even say this but since you have a bunch of animals in there I have a right to use a stick on them... He said he understood.But he didt promise that it wouldnt happen again...

I understand that the guys got a dressing down that was composed of... "You sorry bags of trash are lucky you still have a job, if it ever happens again you will lose your jobs... I know that the next evening was pretty quiet...Fine with me

I dont need to be accepted, I just need this job. The manager that talked to me has taken over the training and I have been told that my expectations are a lot higher than the company's...To relax and suit up show up and dont let the jerks ruin a good opportunity. I have been here before. in the late 80's when they could still hang nude photos up in warehouse offices and called it freedom of expression When I had to take the ladies room key that was attached to a 2 foot peice of pipe with a chain, not to keep it from getting lost but to use as a weapon against an attacker that might be hiding in the bathroom on the dock. It is a familiar foreign land that I thought never to visit again. But I am determined to settle there to thrive and improve the situation. It seems to be what God has called me to do and I am content in doing it.

Happy Birthday, My Abigail Valentine

2010-02-14T23:30:00.005-06:00

My Little One, Abigail on the day of our meeting, at 10 weeks old

I was in grief, really not ready for another dog in my life, even though I put on a brave face. This little girl saw though my facade, snuggled up against my leg and with her adoring eyes said, "Pick Me! Pick Me!" I tried to resist but I could not...

My dreamy eyed girl sitting in her window seat

As she has grown up she has not been the timid clinging vine her sister Annabelle of blessed memory was,fearful of my every upset, but a wiser companion who lets me cry when I need to, who just sits and is present in my pain. A constant friend and protector. She is willful and demanding, but then she is her own person as much as a doggie can be...However, every day is a new day and she loves me with a constant unconditional love that just amazes me.

Abigail at one year

She has been a blessing from the moment she entered this house. Thank you God for Your Beloved...which is what Abigail means, and everytime I say her name it reminds me of Your great promise, that I am Your Beloved and You will never leave us alone. Happy Birthday my Abigail May God give us many more happy years

Aint She Sweet Glamour shot at 8 months

2 Peter 1:2-11~Growing in the Knowledge of God

2010-02-14T13:45:00.001-06:00

Winter Oaks Near Lowell AR

May God bless you with his special favor and wonderful peace as you come to know Jesus, our God and Lord, better and better.

As we know Jesus better, his divine power gives us everything we need for living a godly life. He has called us to receive his own glory and goodness! And by that same mighty power, he has given us all of his rich and wonderful promises. He has promised that you will escape the decadence all around you caused by evil desires and that you will share in his divine nature.
So make every effort to apply the benefits of these promises to your life. Then your faith will produce a life of moral excellence. A life of moral excellence leads to knowing God better. Knowing God leads to self-control. Self-control leads to patient endurance, and patient endurance leads to godliness. Godliness leads to love for other Christians, and finally you will grow to have genuine love for everyone. The more you grow like this, the more you will become productive and useful in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But those who fail to develop these virtues are blind or, at least, very shortsighted. They have already forgotten that God has cleansed them from their old life of sin.
So, dear brothers and sisters, work hard to prove that you really are among those God has called and chosen. Doing this, you will never stumble or fall away. And God will open wide the gates of heaven for you to enter into the eternal Kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Jeremiah 17:7-10~ Blessed Are Those that Trust In God

2010-02-07T20:21:00.000-06:00

Winter Streams Ford Creek near Bentonville AR

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
whose trust is the Lord.

“He is like a tree planted by water,
that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
for it does not cease to bear fruit.”

The heart is deceitful above all things,
and desperately sick;
who can understand it?

“I the Lord search the heart
and test the mind,
to give every man according to his ways,
according to the fruit of his deeds.”

II Samuel 22:3-4,7,17-37,47,50 ~Praises to God

2010-01-31T20:19:00.003-06:00

Long Shadows Snowy afternoon Peartree Cottage Metfield Bella Vista AR

"The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior;
my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.
He is my shield, the strength of my salvation, and my stronghold,
my high tower, my savior, the one who saves me from violence.
I will call on the Lord, who is worthy of praise,
for he saves me from my enemies.

In my distress I cried out to the Lord;
yes, I called to my God for help.
He heard me from his sanctuary;
my cry reached his ears.
"He reached down from heaven and rescued me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
He delivered me from my powerful enemies,
from those who hated me and were too strong for me.
They attacked me at a moment when I was weakest,
but the Lord upheld me.
He led me to a place of safety;
he rescued me because he delights in me.
The Lord rewarded me for doing right;
he compensated me because of my innocence.

For I have kept the ways of the Lord;
I have not turned from my God to follow evil.
For all his laws are constantly before me;
I have never abandoned his principles.
I am blameless before God;
I have kept myself from sin.
The Lord rewarded me for doing right,
because of my innocence in his sight.

"To the faithful you show yourself faithful;
to those with integrity you show integrity.
To the pure you show yourself pure,
but to the wicked you show yourself hostile.
You rescue those who are humble,
but your eyes are on the proud to humiliate them.

O Lord, you are my light;
yes, Lord, you light up my darkness.
In your strength I can crush an army;
with my God I can scale any wall.

"As for God, his way is perfect.
All the Lord's promises prove true.
He is a shield for all who look to him for protection.
For who is God except the Lord?
Who but our God is a solid rock?
God is my strong fortress;
he has made my way safe.
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
leading me safely along the mountain heights.
You have made a wide path for my feet
to keep them from slipping.

"The Lord lives! Blessed be my rock!
May God, the rock of my salvation, be exalted!
For this, O Lord, I will praise you among the nations;
I will sing joyfully to your name.

Turning The Corner

2010-01-30T15:36:00.000-06:00

Glowing lights in the snow...Peartree cottage Metfield Bella Vista AR

Im living in a winter wonderland. Over 36 hours we had about a foot of snow here. Not a record but enough to really mess things up for driving and the like. I have been housebound for several days, and have enjoyed the quiet time

I have had a wonderful turn of events. After several weeks of prayer, interviews, hopes then dispair of not hearing an offer of employment was made to me by a local transportation company. I am working as a driver manager on the swing shift 430 pm to midnight 5 days a week, then one 10 hour saturday every four weeks. Its a longer drive than most people would make here but it being off hours, it is not a problem for me. The compensation is good, and the insurance is very good. I was so grateful that when I got the message from the HR guy I literally passed out... I came to on the couch a few minutes later I was so relieved and released from the stress of wondering what was going to happen to me...

Its a interesting place, there are a number of people there that I know, but none of them are the reason I got this job. Its was totally a matter of Gods hand guiding this and frankly I see it as ideal...My transition into the work group has been a touch awkward but nothing I cant handle. I am the only women on the shift and that has made for interesting moments... They dont have a training manual and dont really know what to do. The computer is counter intuative (AS400 based) I have been there a week and have had only 30 minute of computer time and perhaps can answer the phone. Ive been told not to worry about it, the man that is responsible for training me said it was three months or so before he felt that he had it down

The storm this week caused me to leave early on thursday and not go in on friday as the roads were so bad. Im told this will not have a negative impact on my job retention. I was worried because I dont want to be perceived as a wimp, however I cant afford an accident and to damage my van. The ice layer on my van was nearly 2 inches thick at 9 pm so they boosted me out as soon as we were able to chemically melt the ice off my windshield, it took me over two hours to drive the thirty miles home

I feel very differently from the way I did even three weeks ago. The sense of relief, and the ability to start to think about my future is incredible. I can start to address my way past due bills, and the now defunct contract to buy this house. I have no desire to move closer to my job like many of co workers, especially with enjoying the beauty of the snowfall...its worth the inconvienience of bad weather and the drive late at night. So I am praying about buying the house I am currently living in. I will be able to afford it eventually

Working at night has many advantages not just the easier drive. I love being able to awaken naturally in the mornings, to be able to have time for prayer and meditation, walks with Abigail...(weather permitting)and the morning Al Anon meeting on fridays...My days are relaxed and natural so my stress level is so much lower even though I still had first week jitters.

All of the evening activities like RCIA are going by the by. I am meeting with Msgr Scott to finalized the date for my First Confession, which will be different than the rest of the class as I will be coming during the day... again I like the idea that I will be able to take my time and do this right, I have been waiting for this for a long time.

Im also having to give up my home group Al Anon meeting, and a few other activities but again it is really a small trade off

I feel like I have exhaled and turned the corner. I will never take a job for granted and never take the fact that I have a job and am taking care of myself, means that someone else isnt really trying. My choices wont be based on the needs of another but on what I need. I fear that I have a big decision coming that will be hard for some to accept, but I will pray it through and then do what I think is best

I heard a song today that sums up where I have been in this last year and where I want to go on to

Hands

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear

My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken

In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
We are never broken

We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
We are God's hands
We are God's hands

Jewel

Im grateful to God for His provision I missed neither a meal for want of food nor appointment for want of gas. I sold a great many things but nothing I cant live without. I am so glad, so thankful for all of your prayers and support.

Swathed in snow Peartree Cottage

Psalm 92~How Great Are Your Works

2010-01-24T21:42:00.001-06:00

Winter Sunrise near Lowell AR

It is good to give thanks to the Lord,
to sing praises to your name, O Most High;
to declare your steadfast love in the morning,
and your faithfulness by night,
to the music of the lute and the harp,
to the melody of the lyre.
For you, O Lord, have made me glad by your work;
at the works of your hands I sing for joy.

How great are your works, O Lord!
Your thoughts are very deep!
The stupid man cannot know;
the fool cannot understand this:
that though the wicked sprout like grass
and all evildoers flourish,
they are doomed to destruction forever;
but you, O Lord, are on high forever.
For behold, your enemies, O Lord,
for behold, your enemies shall perish;
all evildoers shall be scattered.

The righteous flourish like the palm tree
and grow like a cedar in Lebanon.
They are planted in the house of the Lord;
they flourish in the courts of our God.
They still bear fruit in old age;
they are ever full of sap and green,
to declare that the Lord is upright;
he is my rock, and there is no unrighteousness in him.

The Coldest Day Ever

2010-01-17T22:30:00.007-06:00

Winter's long shadows over Pear Tree Cottage Metfield Bella Vista AR

"No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other, or be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.
"So I tell you, don't worry about everyday life-whether you have enough food, drink, and clothes. Doesn't life consist of more than food and clothing? Look at the birds. They don't need to plant or harvest or put food in barns because your heavenly Father feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than they are. Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? Of course not.
"And why worry about your clothes? Look at the lilies and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won't he more surely care for you? You have so little faith!
"So don't worry about having enough food or drink or clothing. Why be like the pagans who are so deeply concerned about these things? Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs, and he will give you all you need from day to day if you live for him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern.
"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today.

Jesus Christ

Matthew 6:24-34

I sit in sunny warmth that feels like spring even though it is merely 40 degrees. The previous months deep cold is like a memory... one morning it was 15 below when I went out to get the paper at 10 am. I stood there and thought to myself that this undoubtedly is the coldest temperature I have ever felt..

The strangeness of this time of extremes is one reason why I find it so hard to write, not only here in my blog but on face book , or letters to my friends and even my journal. I spend a lot of time these days in contemplation... meditating on what seems to be a time of challenge but also happiness and healing. I fear for the future at times and at other times I am elated at possibilities. I pray to hang onto hope, because its hard to do that sometimes.

I have not had work since the 31st . The terrible weather the first days of the New Year slowed down my job hunting, and things are still very slow. I have no money, no prospects for getting any soon and frankly I dont know what to do, other than what I am doing. Making phone calls, using the paper the Internet and networking as I can, to try to find something, something to do where I can earn a living.

The struggle, disappointment and feeling of disconnect, makes it hard to hope. I recently listened to a study on Joesph and his brothers...how long did he languish in slavery, in prison after being falsely accused, before he was raised up to the right hand of Pharoah. A long time, and relief came in an uncertain way, a unexpected way, and forgiveness was necessary, over and over again. This seems to be my way of life. A cycle of uncertainty to the point of desperation, provision, recollection then the cycle repeats itself.I am coming to see that I need to see beyond my circumstances and daily live by the promises of God...

It is hard to see others in the same struggle. I spent hours at unemployment the other day. There is NO blue colar work left here in this area. I saw the face of hopelessness on these faces as the lines streached out so long that it took me three hours to get to the counter and two hours to see someone... I vowed to not give up... to not let my face look like those that I saw in that waiting area

But that is hard. Men give up, some have killed themselves. Suicides have increased here. Its hard to accept. It is harder still to have hope handed to you only to find it not really anything at at... I was steered to an organization that is trying to set up housing solutions for "marginally or nearly homeless" women. I contacted the lady in charge, she asked all sorts of questions, and felt she could help me... would I come to a meeting..and I said I would.

Well I went and listened ...turned out that to these kind but a touch out of touch people, all with great jobs or pensions, feel that to be "marginally or nearly homeless" one had to be a parolee or coming out of re hab, and have one or a number of illegitimate children. In other words you have to make a bunch of bad choices to get help...I was stunned.

When I asked if someone like me could get help from this organization, I drew silence. I had introduced myself and explained my needs, and no one looked at me. I then said that I knew of other organizations that did similar things but there was no one out there helping honest people who are falling through the cracks every day. I found myself thinking that had I givine up a sober life and made the sorts of "bad choices" they were speaking of..would I deserve help?

The meeting went on, and I was even given an assignment, to help find small business opportunites and maketing for the handicrafts they are going to teach these women as a "job skill". For funding for the coffee shop they want to open. I couldnt believe it... They need to learn office skills or better yet a trade like plumbing, electrical, or construction, or all of the above. There are people who would help them, but knitting???

I have come to believe that like my family who needs a "poor relation" to feel sorry for, to talk about, to even rub salt into the wounds of the hurting one...the community needs to have such people around, thats why the focus on those that make poor choices rather than those that just need a little help in life. This seems to be true not just with government and the welfare programs that have proven to be so unfruitful, but Christian groups who seem to continually minister to the poor that stay poor. If there is no encouragement to grow and get better, no incentive to keep trying to improve, no investment in their future, and this doesnt come cheaply... I think its criminal to not give real help, real job training real education to these women, all these folks are going to do is treat them like children and keep them dependent, unable to earn a real living, and continue the cycle of poverty

In the same vein, the way we as a country are ignoring the millions of people that have just given up on life due to unemployment is just shameful... there are places in this land where people out of work now have no hope of getting a job no matter how much they look and look...they have run out of benefits, they have family, churches, friends that dont know what to do, so they give up on them. They stop calling, stop visting, stop helping. Ministries that started a year ago to help the jobless have run out of steam, mired in the overwellming need. When do we invest in these people...these communities...When to we reach out and have a high profile telethon for the rebuilding of these communities... When do we rebuild our own country?

Two people in my life killed themselves in the last 10 days over these issues... My heart is just broken... but I am angry as well...I can understand why they did it.
I have family that has cut me off... friends that will not call me back, and ministries that promised help that cannot help me now... I understand why taking one's life might be attractive...

I dont want a hand out... I want a job. Once I get one. I promise that I will not forget those less fortunate than I, that dont have work. I will do whatever I can to help that person, in this financially coldest day ever... And I will not give up speaking out about it. This is an injustice that will haunt us for generations to come in this country, may God have mercy on them that suffer and wake up those that have the means to get involved....

Titus 3:4-8 - When God Appeared

2010-01-10T09:41:00.000-06:00

An old stable along Ford Creek Rd Benton County AR

But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared,5he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit,whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior,so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.The saying is trustworthy, and I want you to insist on these things, so that those who have believed in God may be careful to devote themselves to good works. These things are excellent and profitable for people.

Isaiah 60:1-7~ The Glory of The Lord Has Risen Upon Us

2010-01-03T07:36:00.003-06:00

Come and See Christmas Crib at St Steven Church Bentonville AR

1Arise, shine, for your light has come,
and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you.
2For behold, darkness shall cover the earth,
and thick darkness the peoples;
but the Lord will arise upon you,
and his glory will be seen upon you.
3And nations shall come to your light,
and kings to the brightness of your rising.

4Lift up your eyes all around, and see;
they all gather together, they come to you;
your sons shall come from afar,
and your daughters shall be carried on the hip.
5Then you shall see and be radiant;
your heart shall thrill and exult, [fn1]
because the abundance of the sea shall be turned to you,
the wealth of the nations shall come to you.
6A multitude of camels shall cover you,
the young camels of Midian and Ephah;
all those from Sheba shall come.
They shall bring gold and frankincense,
and shall bring good news, the praises of the Lord.
7All the flocks of Kedar shall be gathered to you;
the rams of Nebaioth shall minister to you;
they shall come up with acceptance on my altar,
and I will beautify my beautiful house.

We’ll Take A Cup Of Kindness Yet

2010-01-01T22:16:00.006-06:00

Snowy Pasture Benton County Arkansas

Post completed 1-3-09

"Your life has taken many a difficult turn, but now a year later, you have come through, you have stood the test, have kept the faith. Your life is now a blank canvas, ready for The Lord and you...YOU (as she gently poked me with her finger)To create a new picture... to paint a new vision... Dont let ANYONE else paint on it..."

Sandy Andrews, on the feast of All Saints, when she returned to FUMCBV to remember the life of her departed husband Dr. Ed Andrews nearly one year after his death

Its a..
A New Day
A New Week
A New Month
A New Year
A New Decade

Like the Magi, we have discovered a star—a light and guide in the sky of our soul. “We have seen his star in the east and have come to worship him.” We have had the same experience. We too noticed a new light shining in our soul and growing increasingly brighter. It was a desire to live a fully Christian life, a keenness to take God seriously.

- St. Josemaria Escriva

I am out of a job and am a lady of leasure as of yesterday at 4 pm. I was ready to go. It wasnt a surprise. I made a decision that people were more important than production, names and stories rather than numbers and production. My stats went down and the decision to retain was in the end made just by the numbers. Im ok with that. I am afraid a little but I know God is with me and will provide for my needs

I have made a decision that I will be true to my God and his principles, True to my faith and the principles of the Church, and perhaps most importantly and as part and parcel to that which has proceeded... I will be true to myself, my needs, my feelings and my values... To have stayed on "top" at Walmart.com, meant I would have had to cheat, cut corners and ultimately sell out to the machine. I couldnt do that. My young up and coming boss was fired three weeks ago for fudging the numbers for the team...the others will be found out. I got a glowing letter of reccomendation and direction on how to find jobs with walmart. I will be working that job board heavily in the comming days

I also interviewed at a local trucking company. It was a three hour interview with a man who had been "meaning" to call me. I find the timing facinating... Its about as far away as any place I have interviewed so far... the only carrier futher away is CTI up in Joplin, but that cannot be a consideration...The manditory 45-50 hour work week cant be a consideration. Abigail locked in a cage day in and out cant be a consideration. I have to work. If the job is a success I will move closer to the terminal... which means not being so stuck on this house that I buy it and be locked in...everything is subject to re evaluation

I have come to some major decisions Nothing that was important before matters in 2010. Everything is up for grabs and for reconsideration...This includes relationships, prior commitments, and agreements. Nothing is going to be left "as it was" I cant afford that anymore.

First and foremost...Who or what is King in my life, and if Jesus is King in my life, and I have seen His star before me..the "Hokulea" the Star of Gladness, how committed am I to following that Star?... I was challenged both in a AA meeting I attended New Years Day and listening to Charles Stanley last night, that its not about the miricle of sobriety or just faith...you have to live it out,... accept the gift of salvation and releationship with God, but you have to do it, and that requires trust and obedience... As Dr. Stanley said, "How can you have relationship with someone you dont trust, you arent honest with, and are in rebellion to?" The answer is you cant be. My life with Woody was filled with these negative things. We had no trust, no transparency and because of the lack of love and understanding it made it impossible to not "rebel" so to speak against the other. I know he balked at anything and subtilely sabataged my efforts at a sober life and I found myself cursing him in my heart constantly as his lack of care of any part of our life together sucked the very will to live from my being. I found myself less and less willing to try to trust God because it seemed like I prayed and prayed for good and light as my heart grew darker and darker

The same with sobriety...Im pretty proud of the fact that I have now 21 years of sobriety but..have I been living a sober life? Its more than giving up the bottle, the condom, and the straw... Its living out The Steps, Traditions and Concepts which I havent done. I have tried to hold it together through sheer force of will, and as that crumbled, I found myself addicted to "love" and "hate" I fell in love with a man I can never have, just thinking about him gave me a buzz, and my daily cursing of Woody fueled a rage that became an addiction as strong as crack...Both of them are like crack really and just as lethal.

I am done with all of that. Woody has failed to contact me since he was here in November. We are done. I thought we could be friends but he wants to go his own way and the frustration of seeing him drink himself to death is not something I need in my life. If you are reading this farewell, I miss the you I used to know, not what you have turned into.

Mr. Wonderful left this area because of a job transfere last year. We have talked a few times but again nothing for a long time. He has moved on. For all of our sakes I need to move on as well. Let him go. I hear about how his family is doing though others he is in closer contact with, and its like a knife twist that I dont see him, yet we both know this would be a very bad idea...The emotions are fading and this makes me sad too. Farewell, my friend, have a wonderful life, you have earned it and deserve it. Thank you for being there for me when no one else was

Knowing him has been a bond with life, and a catalyst for change in my manner of living . He has a beautiful life, and in no way would I ever want to disrupt that. I need to be happy for the good times and have no regrets...

Lest you think this is about beating poor Hoku up, let me ease your mind. This will be the last said about any of this. I really am done with it all. There is a part of me that just wants to be free and I shall be. I have poured that New Years Cup of Kindness for myself as 2009 passed into 2010...as I listen to Christmas music even now Jan third and will likely leave my tree up till tax day cause I love it so.

I want to do things that will make me happy...even if they are hard or dont make sense to the rest of those around me. Its going to take a lot of work but its going to be worth it.

I believe in resolutions...goals more like... I have a few already thought up and mentally agreed upon for this year. They are:

Nothing is off the table with regards to what is best for Hoku...I have spent my whole life doing for others or what others thought was best for me. This year, in the face of great adversity I have tried to do what is best for me, and that will continue even if the costs rise in the interim...

I will pursue my faith...My faith is my primary vocation...and worship, how I worship, where I worship is very important. I currently minister in a church that is getting harder for me to be a part of. I will eventually have to decide if I continue there or withdraw completely in favor of either exclusivly attending the Catholic Church, or staying a hybrid and attending a evangelical church as well. I have a standing invitation to come to another body, a Disciples of Christ Church like Beargrass Church in Louisville where I attended while in Louisville. Sandy, the lady quoted above moved there after the death of her husband. That is if I feel the need for the teaching one gets in a protestant church, I might get plenty by utilizing the internet and books...I can also pray for change at FUMCBV, but right now there are enough difficulties that a move may be necessary even though I would miss my friends and leading worship terribly...

I will read 10 "Important" books. Not necessarily "classics" or "serious" works but I want to read books that will have a lasting effect on my thoughts and life.

Book 1 is in progress it is Jon Sweeny's "Almost Catholic". This book is for any person interested in Christian spiritual practices, not just Catholics or those that are in Catholic formation. Mr. Sweeney is High Church but not Catholic, his words say page after page things I have tried to say to those that are opposing my entering Holy Mother Church, that litugical practice frees us from the tyranny of the freedom to make our own way in the world spiritually and wondering if we are getting it right. I have experienced this first hand as I was run out of the ministry because I no long fit with the program... I watched a dear friend suffer at the hands of an abusive pastor because his worship leadership was not "cutting edge" enough..whatever that meant... You need structure and some foundation to build upon...

anyway those that read this blog please give me ideas, and list books at the end of this post that have impacted your life that you think would benefit me in my journey

I will file for bankruptcy, its no longer an option. I am being threatened with more than a lawsuit by a creditor right now. I will try to see a lawyer this week. Its not a matter either of pride or being a deadbeat. Its kinder to just get it overwith to everyone.

I will learn to crochet this year. I have a skein of yarn and a j hook and can chain stitch sort of already...

I will watch less tv and listen to more music, read more books and cruise Facebook less

I will be kind to myself.. I will say "I am worthwhile...I am worthwhile..." as many times as needed. I will never again visit the Walmart gun counter... I dont need to do that no matter who will be the first person to get that phone call...

I will be open to dating... I will be open to possibilities

Most of all... I will drink of the cup of kindness, weither given to me by friend or stranger, God or myself, and I will drink deeply and enjoy its fruits. I will also choose to pass that cup to all that I meet for God would have it so

Galatians 4:4-7 In The Fullness Of Time

2009-12-27T20:00:00.001-06:00

In honor of His Birth, St Steven Church Bentonville AR

But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law,to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons.And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!”So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God.

A Christmas Prayer

2009-12-25T10:01:00.001-06:00

Our Lady of Divine Providence Tile painting locaed in the cloisters of St. Meinred Archabbey, Indiana

A Christmas Prayer

Whom have we, Lord, like you
The Great One who became small, the Wakeful who slept,
The Pure One who was baptized, the Living One who died,
The King who abased himself to ensure honor for all.
Blessed is your honor!

St. Ephrem the Syrian

With a hattip to Father Stephen

Chritsmas Canceled

2009-12-24T21:33:00.002-06:00

Christmas Color Cooper Chapel Bella Vista

"Hoku, I dont know if you were planning on coming but all services at First Church are canceled due to weather..." I listened to the message on my phone disappointed, the weather was turning foul as we all left work early to beat the onslaught of damp cold....

I drove the mile down J street to St. Steven, Msgr. Scott was at the door, I pulled into the portages, and was told that mass would be said at 5 but the candlelight mass at 10 pm would likely be canceled..Christmas Day who knows...Somewhat dejected I drove away...

My friend Diane has other plans for Christmas Day...The community dinner at First Church a tradition in this city of strangers far from family and friends, so that single people, people living too far from family, would have a place to go on this most family oriented of days...will likely be canceled... For reasons best kept close to my heart, I was hoping to do something else...this was an event utterly transformed by our former pastor and his wife who love to cook and entertain a crowd. They saw it as a special ministry to those of us that had no place else...and it was an event, to say the least ...last year I was able to assist them in this and had the best time...I dont know if I can go to this years, if I will be bothered by the lack of color and drama, But I will go rather than stay home alone...

And so, as the snow drifts around my door I am grateful for the light and warmth in my little cottage...As I watch the midnight mass on EWTN grateful for the luxury of this mini cable package I have I found myself thinking about how Christmas has been canceled for a lot of people in one way or the other...

The word "cancel" is a big part of what I do on my job. I cancel orders because they are fraudulent, because they are wrong and I cant change them, or because the people dont want them anymore...but mostly I cancel orders that have expired. They are orders that have been sitting in my pending that we have called to verify for three days... People often call back after the order has expired, none too happy that they arent getting their stuff, sometimes they dont call they replace the order on the web site or wait and wait...Some of the stories of canceled orders broke my heart. I would hear the phrase over and over
"Please dont tell me it is canceled..."

"Please dont tell me it is canceled... the website gives a tracking number but it never moved out of the warehouse...this is my daughters last Christmas, we dont expect her to make it throught the next round of Chemo...She still believes that God will heal her...she still believes in Santa Claus. The color she wanted is out of stock..I dont care if it is blue or pink, I just need one, she has wanted it all year long..."
Im in billing and not customer service, and cant do a lot but I can call someone who can. I called Customer service and the guy took one look at the botched order, heard the story and whipped Santa's reindeer into shape and the little blue guitar was on its way to a very sick little girl who may not ever learn to play it but if it gives her comfort then it is all worth it.

Please dont tell me its canceled again..." a young woman exasperated and beside herself cried into the phone. you are the fifth person I have talked to I dont know what to do... I have tried to buy this engagement ring 4 times now... The wedding is Jan 6, my fiance is going to Afganistan and wants us to be married before he goes, he doesnt need the extra burden of a problem with the ring...

Ring? Rings I know...I ask what the problem seems to be as I look up the order. "I cant seem to get my size in time..." I was speachless. Sizing is not a big deal. I tell her I would call her back in the morning. I called the fufillment center that ships the jewelry. A guy answered the phone...I asked him about the order. Sure enough, they have size 8 and size 10...By then I have a picture of said ring on my monitor. It can be sized down easy... I asked if the had a bench jeweler on site. He said yes...I said "So, size the 10 to a 9 and ship it, these kids need our help..." "Cant do that cant ship altered merchendise as new..." I snapped, "Look this isnt rocket science and if Tiffany's will size a peice prior to sale so can we... The wedding is Jan 6 they have been trying to get this for a month..." By then I have an audience surrounding my pod of co workers, "Look take a 10 put it in a ring clamp, split the shank at center with a cutoff blade, you remove enough materiel for one size soldier together polish and steam. Easy I can do 15 an hour and Im an amature. He stammered, "But.." I said.."DO IT...this is not going to be a return." I thanked him and hung up. I got a standing ovation from my co workers... I called the little bride the next day...She was in tears..." Mam'm it is so beautiful and it fits perfectly" They must have shipped it out within an hour of our conversation. I am coming to believe that many of life's problems can be solved, often all it takes is finding someone who cares and will listen to you

A quiet, voice almost a whisper says "Please, Please tell me they arent canceled...I ask for a number, and pull up her order. "They cant be canceled, I couldnt call... my husband died two days ago and... I tell her we at Walmart are sorry for her loss. My boss comes over and listens in. "It wass my husbands wish to help each of our grandkids this holiday by buying them a new laptop. He dictated a letter to each child and I have those but I need the computers...." My boss unpluged her headset and went to her desk and did a shipping upgrade and began to release the orders. Ten top of the line laptops. Maggie gave me the thumbs up. I sat with the widow for a few minutes, allowing time for a cry and some encouragement to go her way...

Sometimes it takes but a little time to listen and be wiling to stick our necks out a little to create a miricale... I have learned this Chistmas season that it is all about love and giving of one's time. I know that Chistmas is brighter for these and many others I worked with this past few weeks. No matter what happens, including being let go at the end of next week...Yes Im getting a pinkslip for Christmas, its all about people, and being there for them so that they dont feel "canceled"

In the mean time I need to find a new purpose for my life. I fell that my life is "canceled" "aborted at shipment" "out of stock" "fraud" I know that God has something in mind for me I just need to listen and remember that there are no canceled lives in His great plan

The Little Christmas Miracle

2009-12-23T18:11:00.001-06:00

My Christmas Tree and re arranged living room

I was actually looking forward to Christmas this year so it was with much cheerfulness and expectation that I went to the garage and pulled out my boxes of stuff. I have in this past years sorted out and sold much of my decorative stuff, so I would have less to haul around and store should I have to move...but the boxes I have left were not touched...I know intimately what is in those boxes, the treasure of Christmas past's... every ornament has a story..

Abigail on watch looking out the front window trying to not be distracted by the twinkling lights on the tree

Every year I buy at least on new ornament, sometimes two, for example, hanging down is the trefoil of Louisville, long and slim, never to be confused with the wider one that graces the arms of New Orleans or the short wide one that symbolizes
St. Louis...or the shell, shiny with glitter that my Mom gave me as a memento of our Christmas on Kauaii, our last Christmas together.This years, the cross on the ribbon, I gave a matching one to my RCIA sponsor

While in Louisville I visited a cute little shop that sold the European style Christmas ornaments I saw cute little dogs and decided I wanted one that looked like Annabelle a black and white shih tzu... I looked high and low, but I I found was this curious looking multicolored one with a blue bow...

It didnt look like Annabelle, I I bought a Maltese that looked a lot more like her...but I couldnt leave the little golden doggie behind so I bought it as well. It had a cute little box and it went into the carton once I got home from Louisville.. I didnt hang it on last years tree...

My little Christmas Miracle

Well we know what happened Annabelle went to wait for me at the Rainbow bridge, I was adopted by the cutest little De Colores doggie peaches and cream, Miss Abigail Valentine came into my life...She has enriched and exasperated me and filled my life with laughter... I cant imagine my life without her

I had forgotten the little glass ornament, in its transparent box, untill I went to put my tree up and saw..Abigails little face looking up at me from deep in the recesses of the storage carton...I have wondered all along... "Why God," "Why am in this mess, Why must my life be so hard?" "Do You have a plan, or am just subject to everyone elses whims?" "Does my life have meaning...or am I just taking up space here?" "Does God really care..."

He cares enough to compel me to take a seemingly unnessary object to a cash register then save it until... He cared enough to cause Abigail to attach herself to me at a time when I needed unconditional love. He gave me a job when I was at the end of my rope. I need to start really trusting in this God that reached down and used this tiny thing to show me His previenent care

Sometimes you need a tiny miracle to renew your faith

Dont worry Mom... God's got it all figured out...My dark beauty ms. Abigail

Move That Stone

2009-12-20T20:31:00.001-06:00

Ancient Stones Tanyard Creek Nature Trail Bella Vista AR

A man named Lazarus was sick. He lived in Bethany with his sisters, Mary and Martha. This is the Mary who poured the expensive perfume on the Lord's feet and wiped them with her hair. Her brother, Lazarus, was sick. So the two sisters sent a message to Jesus telling him, "Lord, the one you love is very sick."
But when Jesus heard about it he said, "Lazarus's sickness will not end in death. No, it is for the glory of God. I, the Son of God, will receive glory from this." Although Jesus loved Martha, Mary, and Lazarus, he stayed where he was for the next two days and did not go to them. Finally after two days, he said to his disciples, "Let's go to Judea again."
But his disciples objected. "Teacher," they said, "only a few days ago the Jewish leaders in Judea were trying to kill you. Are you going there again?"
Jesus replied, "There are twelve hours of daylight every day. As long as it is light, people can walk safely. They can see because they have the light of this world. Only at night is there danger of stumbling because there is no light." Then he said, "Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep, but now I will go and wake him up."
The disciples said, "Lord, if he is sleeping, that means he is getting better!" They thought Jesus meant Lazarus was having a good night's rest, but Jesus meant Lazarus had died.
Then he told them plainly, "Lazarus is dead. And for your sake, I am glad I wasn't there, because this will give you another opportunity to believe in me. Come, let's go see him."
Thomas, nicknamed the Twin, said to his fellow disciples, "Let's go, too-and die with Jesus."
When Jesus arrived at Bethany, he was told that Lazarus had already been in his grave for four days. Bethany was only a few miles down the road from Jerusalem, and many of the people had come to pay their respects and console Martha and Mary on their loss. When Martha got word that Jesus was coming, she went to meet him. But Mary stayed at home. Martha said to Jesus, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now I know that God will give you whatever you ask."
Jesus told her, "Your brother will rise again."
"Yes," Martha said, "when everyone else rises, on resurrection day."
Jesus told her, "I am the resurrection and the life. Those who believe in me, even though they die like everyone else, will live again. They are given eternal life for believing in me and will never perish. Do you believe this, Martha?"
"Yes, Lord," she told him. "I have always believed you are the Messiah, the Son of God, the one who has come into the world from God." Then she left him and returned to Mary. She called Mary aside from the mourners and told her, "The Teacher is here and wants to see you." So Mary immediately went to him.
Now Jesus had stayed outside the village, at the place where Martha met him. When the people who were at the house trying to console Mary saw her leave so hastily, they assumed she was going to Lazarus's grave to weep. So they followed her there. When Mary arrived and saw Jesus, she fell down at his feet and said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."
When Jesus saw her weeping and saw the other people wailing with her, he was moved with indignation and was deeply troubled. "Where have you put him?" he asked them.
They told him, "Lord, come and see." Then Jesus wept. The people who were standing nearby said, "See how much he loved him." But some said, "This man healed a blind man. Why couldn't he keep Lazarus from dying?"

And again Jesus was deeply troubled. Then they came to the grave. It was a cave with a stone rolled across its entrance. "Roll the stone aside," Jesus told them.
But Martha, the dead man's sister, said, "Lord, by now the smell will be terrible because he has been dead for four days."
Jesus responded, "Didn't I tell you that you will see God's glory if you believe?" So they rolled the stone aside. Then Jesus looked up to heaven and said, "Father, thank you for hearing me. You always hear me, but I said it out loud for the sake of all these people standing here, so they will believe you sent me." Then Jesus shouted, "Lazarus, come out!" And Lazarus came out, bound in graveclothes, his face wrapped in a headcloth. Jesus told them, "Unwrap him and let him go!"
John 11:1-44 NLT

We have to willing to move the stone that is coming between yus and the work that God wants to do in our lives. There is a risk that there might be unplesentness, but in the end Gods creative work will out shine and overwelm anything we have to endure. May God give us the strength to endure, and faith to persevere to the good end...

With thanks to Msgr Scott...thanks I needed that

Luke 1:46-55~For He Who Is Mighty Has Done Great Things For Me

2009-12-13T09:36:00.000-06:00

Image of the Blessed Mother St Steven Church Bentonville AR

And Mary said,

“My soul magnifies the Lord,

“and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,

“for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant.
For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed;

“for he who is mighty has done great things for me,
and holy is his name.

“And his mercy is for those who fear him
from generation to generation.

“He has shown strength with his arm;
he has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts;

“he has brought down the mighty from their thrones
and exalted those of humble estate;

“he has filled the hungry with good things,
and the rich he has sent empty away.

“He has helped his servant Israel,
in remembrance of his mercy,

“as he spoke to our fathers,
to Abraham and to his offspring forever.”

...Of Things Hoped For...

2009-12-04T08:20:00.000-06:00

a Monarch Butterfly on route to Mexico Cape San Blas State park Florida

Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are... key moments, and life itself is grace.-Frederick Buechner

I am in the midst of maybe as a dear friend was often fond of saying to me...that I have been here so long is amazing but I sit here tonight one year ago I was seated at a folding table eating a meal prepared in my new kitchen full of hope for a new future... Little did I know what this was to mean. Divorce, the loss of Annabelle and my cats Makoa and KaNani, my prolonged unemployment and profund loss of friend family and community...

Yet through it all, God has been so faithful, I got work when I needed it and my needs true needs have been met. A roof and food and personal needs...

My work at Walmart.com has gone well, its been very very busy, and I have worked a lot of hours. I have found it very draining, as it seems like one call after the next is a fraud with distraught people...I find that I spend a lot of time with these people, getting them the proper information to get the police involved. This takes time. You are expected to crank out 10 orders an hour and more, going through thme with all of the security proceedures ect. Many of the hot shot top performers are doing no checking hardly just sending them on their way and let the fraudsters have their way. They like the applause at the weekly meetings, but they wont like it when the audits show how slipshod its been..., and there are people that over work it to death... I fall in the middle. I have received commendations for my Customer Service from customers calling back in which has been highly gratifying, and means more to me than number on a board that are as fraudlent as the dirty orders I cancel because of a stolen credit card used...

I tell you all this because I had a crisis of confidence, and complained bitterly to God about this while thing. I need this job, but I am just not as fast or as good and frankly I cant bring myself to cheat like the others... Cried all night long... and at dawn God spoke to me and asked me how I got this job in the first place...He gave it to me. Really. This wasnt some thing I even interviewed for. It just happened. God inspired a young man to call me out of a clear blue sky and it all came together...

I had a peace about this thought. That was two weeks ago. Then this week I learned that only 7 permanant full time positions will be filled. There are four temps from Walmarts temp service that have two years in, then another 15 people that I thought were permanant that are on contract like I am that have 6-9 months in. These folks are like supervisors and know so much more than I do...

You all can see the same writing on the wall I did... This is a temp job and will end and likely with in a month. Its very scary

Now God could intervein. God could make a way. All of those other could be passed over. But that isnt logical and I need to not expect it. I need to be gracious, finish well, and do my very best every day I am there. I have submitted my application and I am praying for Gods will to be done.

Everyone in charge knows my situation. That I was headed for the street, that I have no one to help me, no money left in savings... But why should they choose me over the three young fathers with brand new babies, the woman who drove from seattle to LA to take her kids to their father because her unemployment had run out from her state job and she was evicted from her home...she then drove to NW Arkansas to live with her parents who insult her everyday, threatening her with the street if she doesnt get work, or worse, The single mom, wife of a Iraq war vet who seems to only give this woman grief and a baby between tours of duty. He came home stayed just long enough to get the girl pregnant again number three (shes on the pill) and has run off, and is living under the bushes somewhere. The girl is living with her inlaws who have been out of work much of 2008-9... The M-I-L and Ashley are employed, and need these jobs...

We all need these jobs all 48 of us that have applied and worked our butts off to impress these people. I was standing aound with those that smoke and listening to this discussion. I was asked how I felt and I told the group, that I am praying like the rest of them...but I wanted them to know..."God is not not listening to me if I dont get this job...He is not punishing me or its not that you need it more than I do.The truth is that if this job is God's perfect will for my life He is going to give it to me...if its not I am not getting it. Its that simple.

It is that simple. Please keep me in your prayers. I am still looking for something else, but the work is very scarce right now and I fear a long cold winter is ahead of me.

I still have hope. My little tree is up and Abi is laying hers contetedly resting. I was received by the local church body last Sunday and I am still rejoicing that I am on a path spiritually that delights me. I went to Mass and wept through it it was that beautiful....Its been very cold here, so A friend bought me a set of fleece sheets so I am warm enough at night and Abi snuggles down with me and seems perfectly content. I need to learn that contentment, and trust in God. He will provide for me just as he has up till now, that is the evedence of things hoped for that I can depend on...

1 Thessalonians 3:12- 4:2 Grow In Love, Which is Pleasing To God

2009-11-29T08:08:00.000-06:00

Towering Oaks near Centerton AR

May the Lord make you increase and abound in love for one another and for all, as we do for you,13so that he may establish your hearts blameless in holiness before our God and Father, at the coming of our Lord Jesus with all his saints.

Finally, then, brothers, we ask and urge you in the Lord Jesus, that as you received from us how you ought to live and to please God, just as you are doing, that you do so more and more.

Thanks Be To God...A Thanksgiving Hymn

2009-11-26T07:49:00.002-06:00

The Mighty Ohio River Overlook Indiana

For the fruits of His creation
Thanks be to God
For the gifts to every nations,
Thanks be to God
For the ploughing, sowing reaping
Silent growth while men are sleeping
Future needs in earth's safe keeping
Thanks be to God

Flying the Colors Bella Vista AR

In the just reward of labor
God's will is done
In the help we give our neighbor
God's will is done
In our world wide task of caring
For the hungry and desparing
In the harvests we are sharing
Gods will is done

Antique Quilts for sale Bentonville AR

For the harvests of His Spirit
Thanks be to God
For the good all men inherit
Thanks be to God
For the wonders that astound us
for the truths that still confound us
Most of all that love has found us
Thanks be to God

James Quinn SJ

From the "Shorter Morning and Evening Prayer"
a Psalter of the Liturgy of the Hours
Liturgical Press
Collegeville Minnesota

Bright Mums Bentonville AR

Indian Summer

2009-11-25T19:20:00.000-06:00

my view of my "back forty" and Hawksnest Ravine..Peartree Cottage Metfield Bella Vista Ar

Lord,
You take care of the earth

and send rain

to help the soil

grow all kinds of crops.

Your rivers never run dry,

and you prepare the earth

to produce much grain.

You water all of its fields

and level the lumpy ground.

You send showers of rain

to soften the soil

and help the plants sprout.

Wherever your footsteps

touch the earth,

a rich harvest is gathered.

from Psalm 65

It was a beautiful "Indian Summer", for us in the Ozarks. Much of the time, October and November was warm and sunny with some of the most beautiful autumn leaves the locals can remember. The mild temperatures allowed for people to get out to the local craft fairs and harvest gatherings. I found myself drawn out to the bench to spend time in prayer before going into work... But as the month draws to a close and Thanksgiving time is here its cooled off and we may even have some snow flurries in the next few days...We are staying inside mmore and more our of the damp and chill in the mornings

We are doing fine. Im sorry for the long time between posts, but my life is somewhat ruetine, hard to talk about, and my hands are killing me from my Carpal Tunnel, so typing is very difficult...and frankly, most evenings I just want to sit in the quiet of my house with my doggie and my prayer book and be still for a bit, and not even try to think about anything

I can hardly believe it but friday ends my 10th week at Walmart.com. all of the hard work and training is about to be put to the test as we enter the notorious "Black Friday" on 11-27 (called black friday because this national day of shopping is the first day for many retailers that they show a profit or "go into the black" for the year. Not so for Walmart, but that is another story. The company has got a no holds barred approach to this years sales and we expect orders to 5 to 8 times higher than on an avarage day. Already there is a push higher and I have been working 10-12 hour days. Black friday will be an 18 hour day as well as its sister "Cyber Monday" the biggest internet shopping day, on 11-30. If you want a deal on electronic stuff this will be the day. The flat screen tvs are so cheap stores are buying them to resell in their stores...thats cheap.

Through it all there has been much testing of my faith. I went into this thinking that maybe this is it...I will get to stay here and work. Its a good job, I am close to home and its casual dress. People are very kind, even my brash young supervisor, who many people find annoying I see his good heart, and we all had to grow up at our own pace. He has been long suffering with me as well...

But the truth is, its likely that once the Christmas rush is over, I will be thanked and sent on my way. I am looking diligently for another position, and can apply at Walmart now and will. But I think it is going to be a long cold winter for me and I need to prepare for it. Im saving every dime of over time and paying utility bills and my car insurance ahead. I cant have a savings account as I am going to try to get on public assistance again once this job is over...I also should qualify for unemployment and will apply for that.

My garden Angel among the glowing dogwood leaves..

Nearly all of my creditors have me in collections and I know one lawyer in town has 4 accounts of mine. I am looking for a lawyer of my own and once I am working again I will file for bankruptcy. I have nothing, own nothing of value, and frankly I am ready for a fresh start and an end to the 50 calls a day from bill collectors some of whom arent even my bills... I hate it. I hate being a deadbeat, but there is no talking to these people, and its almost like they are forcing me to do this, rather than waiting so I can pay them off. One credit card jacked my intrest up to 39.95 percent, That is so unbelieveable...it has got to be illegal. The amount I owe is going up so fast I will never see daylight...

On a bighter note, my landlord contacted me and things are going to stay the same for the time being. He wants me in the house I want to be in the house and I am very content here

I have no holiday plans I am working half days Thanksgiving Day, the saturday and sunday of the weekend 4 to 6 hours I dont get holiday pay so having this keeps me stable as far as my 40 hours goes. I bought a turkey and some trimmings but will likely cook it next tuesday when Im set to have a full day off likely it too will be a half day... I could get used to that...

Sunday 11-29 is my Rite of Acceptance at St Steven Church. I have not been attending RCIA class but Msgr Marcusk has these lovely cds for me to listen to Im not going to "miss the bus" to Catholic Land this year. no matter what. I am very glad to have found this church and look forward to learning and growing. I also have taken up praying the liturgy of the hours morning and night. That is amazing, and powerful I feel a renewed stiring of Gods presence in my life.

This is my favorite holiday season of the year, its a time of reflection. While I have had a very rough year, I have few regrets for this path I am on. I know deep down in my heart that it is a time of refinement...a time that God is using to refocus me back to the type of life I had before Woody and the illusional life we had. Sometimes it seems like a dream. This now is the reality. The truth is that we have very little control over our destiny...Like a seed planted in the ground, it is God that controls our prosperity or our want. Our responsibility is to choose to do our best everyday and trust Him for our futures. We can plan, sceme, save, work, but like the seed in the ground we cant necessary make it grow, only God gives the increase.

And so it goes...thank you one and all for your prayers and concern. Please keep me in your thoughts as I gather in a harvest of provision. You are a blessing to me...

Psalm 92~ It Is Good To Give Thanks

2009-11-22T07:42:00.000-06:00

Glorious Fall near Bentonville AR

It is good to give thanks to the Lord,
to sing praises to your name, O Most High;
to declare your steadfast love in the morning,
and your faithfulness by night,
to the music of the lute and the harp,
to the melody of the lyre.
For you, O Lord, have made me glad by your work;
at the works of your hands I sing for joy.

How great are your works, O Lord!
Your thoughts are very deep!
The stupid man cannot know;
the fool cannot understand this:
that though the wicked sprout like grass
and all evildoers flourish,
they are doomed to destruction forever;
but you, O Lord, are on high forever.
For behold, your enemies, O Lord,
for behold, your enemies shall perish;
all evildoers shall be scattered.

But you have exalted my horn like that of the wild ox;
you have poured over me fresh oil.
My eyes have seen the downfall of my enemies;
my ears have heard the doom of my evil assailants.

The righteous flourish like the palm tree
and grow like a cedar in Lebanon.
They are planted in the house of the Lord;
they flourish in the courts of our God.
They still bear fruit in old age;
they are ever full of sap and green,
to declare that the Lord is upright;
he is my rock, and there is no unrighteousness in him.

Wisdom 7:21-8:1-The Incomperableness Of Godly Wisdom

2009-11-15T04:02:00.001-06:00

Hawaii Skies Taken on the grounds of the Polynesian Cultural Center Laie Oahu Hawaii

And now I understand everything, hidden or visible, for Wisdom, the designer of all things, has instructed me.
For within her is a spirit intelligent, holy, unique, manifold, subtle, mobile, incisive, unsullied, lucid, invulnerable, benevolent, shrewd,
irresistible, beneficent, friendly to human beings, steadfast, dependable, unperturbed, almighty, all-surveying, penetrating all intelligent, pure and most subtle spirits.
For Wisdom is quicker to move than any motion; she is so pure, she pervades and permeates all things.
She is a breath of the power of God, pure emanation of the glory of the Almighty; so nothing impure can find its way into her.
For she is a reflection of the eternal light, untarnished mirror of God's active power, and image of his goodness.
Although she is alone, she can do everything; herself unchanging, she renews the world, and, generation after generation, passing into holy souls, she makes them into God's friends and prophets;
for God loves only those who dwell with Wisdom.
She is indeed more splendid than the sun, she outshines all the constellations; compared with light, she takes first place,
for light must yield to night, but against Wisdom evil cannot prevail

Strongly she reaches from one end of the world to the other and she governs the whole world for its good.

Light Unending~ A Tribute To Our Fallen Veterans

2009-11-11T07:33:00.006-06:00

Tribute To The Fallen Memorial to the victims of the Ft. Hood massacre, and all veterans. St. Steven Church Bentonville AR

Day is done, but love unfailing
Dwells ever here;
Shadows fall, but hope, prevailing
Calms every fear
Loving Father, none forsaking
Take our hearts, of Love's own making
Watch our sleeping, guard our waking...
Be always near.

Dark descends, but Light Unending
Shines through our night;
You are with us, ever lending
New strength to sight
One in love, You truth confessing
One in hope, of heavens blessing
May we see, in Love's possessing
Love's endless light

Eyes will close, but You, unsleeping
Watch by our side
Death may come, in Love's safekeeping
Still we abide
God of love, all evil quelling
Sin forgiving, fear dispelling
Stay with us,our hearts indwelling
This eventide

James Quinn SJ

From the "Shorter Morning and Evening Prayer"
a Psalter of the Liturgy of the Hours
Liturgical Press
Collegeville Minnesota

Today let us remember, that those that serve out of love of country do more than serve that country they serve the cause of peace and ultimately the cause of Christ

The Catechism of the Catholic Church

Let us not forget those that serve in the Armed Forces and their families today and everyday, May God bless them and keep them from harm.

St Martin of Tours, patron of the solider and whose feast day this is, pray for us and for those that serve in uniform today. Amen

The Saint of Molokai'i, A Tribute For All Saints

2009-11-01T22:38:00.001-06:00

A Hawaiian style prayer card with the Maile Lei and a photo of the young Damien at ordination

During Fr. Damien's beatification homily, Pope John Paul II said: "Holiness is not perfection according to human criteria; it is not reserved for a small number of exceptional persons. It is for everyone; it is the Lord who brings us to holiness, when we are willing to collaborate in the salvation of the world for the glory of God, despite our sin and our sometimes rebellious temperament."

"We are all called to be great saints, dont miss the opportunity" ... is one of Mother Angelica's famous quotes, and I think a valid one. We live our lives never thinking that just around the corner, is an opportunity to have a dynamic impact for Christ in our world. Many times this is caused by just going about our business doing what we are called to do. Im sure that if we interviewed those we call "saints" they wouldn't think they were anything special or did anything worth noting, but that is what we are called to do, as Blessed Mother Theresa said "doing small things with great love..." that is the secret of a life pleasing to God.

In the first Christian centuries, those proclaimed saints were usually martyrs. Nowadays, those most often venerated are men and women who in their time were great humanitarians-missionaries, builders of hospitals and schools, servants of the poor and the abandoned.

Even in this shining company, Damien stands out, as one can see from a good biography like Gavan Daws's Holy Man: Damien of Molokai. When Joseph De Veuster, a strong and devout 19-year-old, entered the Congregation of the Sacred Hearts of Jesus and Mary in Louvain, he took the name Damien. In the fall of 1863, he set sail for the Hawaiian mission and was ordained in Honolulu on May 21, 1864.

the painted church of Hawaii, South Kona Big Island of Hawaii

He then went to serve the parish mission on the southwest side of the Big Island at what is now known as Star of the Sea Painted churchThis is adjacent to the Pu'uhonua O Honaunau or City of Refugeonce the home of Hawaiian kings it had become a place for lepers to be quarantined as they were prepared to be shipped off to Molokai'i

Almost exactly nine years after he left Belgium, having volunteered for the neglected leper colony stranded on Molokai, Damien reached the island on which he would die. The settlement had a spectacular location at the foot of towering cliffs facing tropical seas, but when Damien arrived, living there was like living in a suburb of hell. No medical care, no supplies... it was as though those people had just been dumped off the ships and left to die of exposure in that deserted place.

The highest sea cliffs in the world are here on Molokai'i It was this forbidding scene that greeted the young Belgian as he prepared to do his life's work...Kalapaupa Molokai'i Hawaii

But Father Damien didn't give up. He used the resources and contacts that he had to gather assistance from the church and the public at large. Soon nursing sisters joined him and a hospital was set up. Trades were taught and workshops opened to supply needed items for the colony and to give the residents employment and hope...

He was, first of all, the people's priest--celebrating Mass for them, hearing their confessions and keeping vigil at their deathbeds. But he also transformed the colony physically as well as spiritually. the author, Gavin Daws quotes an observer who described how the young priest went to work: "A vigorous, forceful, impellant man with a generous heart in the prime of life and a jack of all trades, carpenter, mason, baker, farmer, Medico and nurse, no lazy bone in the makeup of his manhood, busy from morning till nightfall."

Photo of Fr Damien with residents of the colony unknown source

But there was much more to Damien than the social activist who could quarrel vigorously with civic and ecclesiastical bigwigs when they were slow to back improvements for the leper colony. He had an inner life that energized and sustained his outer life.

He spent the first hours of each day in prayer. Even in his final illness he slept on a straw mattress laid on the floor. And he constantly refreshed his spirit by reading the Imitation of Christ, a 15th-century treatise that was once the most popular of Catholic devotional books.

Today the Imitation is often dismissed as unsound because, on the one hand, it emphasizes austerity, humility, solitude and unremitting self-scrutiny while, on the other hand, it says nothing about the service of others and is contemptuous of secular culture.

Yet the genius of the book is proven by the way it spoke so powerfully to an ardent heart like Damien's: "Let it be our chief study to meditate on the life of Jesus Christ .... Jesus has many lovers of his heavenly kingdom, but few who are willing to bear his cross."

Damien did indeed want to help the miserable, but for a reason that went far beyond decent compassion. He went to Molokai because he knew unerringly that this was to be his way of loving and following the Christ who said: "What you do for one of these least ones, you do for me."

A view of the Kalaupapa settlement now home to one of the worlds only research centers on Hanson's disease...accessible by plane boat or mule only this is one of the most isolated places on earth Molokai'i Hawaii

On a autumn day in a city much closer to the place of his birth than that of his death, Father Damien was eulogised by Pope Benedict XVI during a service of canonization. in the audience were 11 of the last residents of the Kalaupapa Leper Colony in bright Hawaiian dress, along with heads of state, princes and priests of his order.The Holy Father said this of Blessed Damien

Father Damian, the famous apostle to the lepers, left Flanders, Belgium at the age of 23 to go on a mission to modern day Hawaii. "Not without fear and loathing," Pope Benedict underlined, "Father Damian made the choice to go on the island of Molokai in the service of lepers who were there, abandoned by all. So he exposed himself to the disease of which they suffered. With them he felt at home. The servant of the Word became a suffering servant, leper with the lepers, during the last four years of his life."

He continued, "To follow Christ, Father Damian not only left his homeland, but has also staked his health so he, as the word of Jesus announced in today's Gospel tells us, received eternal life."

The figure of Father Damian, Benedict XVI added, "teaches us to choose the good fight not those that lead to division, but those that gather us together in unity.

Turn of the Century country church Kalawao Molokai'i Hawaii

Restoring My Sight

2009-10-26T07:46:00.000-05:00

Growing into gold a tree in transition Peartree Cottage Metfield Bella vista AR

O Jesus,
I want to live in the present moment
to live as if this were
the last day of my life

St Faustina of the Divine Mercy
from her diary, portion 1183

I have been confronted by this weeks Sunday scripture...how a blind man called out to Jesus against the crowds admonitions to be silent, then risking everything, for that tattered cloak was his "home" his shelter against the elements, his only possession, he threw it aside and scrambled to Jesus... The faith demonstrated is extraordinary, for how was he going to retrieve his garment if he stayed blind?...but the blind man thought only about the moment, Jesus was in the present moment and he had the choice to got to him right away or live safe with his cloak and the regrets of what might have been...

My life has become a daily lesson in living in the moment, an intensly personal inward walk towards a destination that is beyond my understanding.I have no idea where I am going or how I will get there, or if am even going in the right direction. All I know is that I have a journey to make. God has provided provision, occupation, fellowship, and various avenues for my spritual and mental growth in this season of transition. Like the blind man I am throwing off old notions of how I should live, work, worship,and think... giving up sins that kept me blind, spiritual training that created a modern day pharisee of me insted of a true disciple that Jesus longs for me to be... living in the moment the way St. Faustina describes in her diary...the way our Lord lived His life here on earth...

I feel like my life is broken down into tiny bites, bits and peices of daily living. They dont flow into something greater they just seem to "Be"... one moment then the next moment then the next. My thought process is somewhat compartimentalized anyway so this ads to my feeling of disjointedness

My work day is very much like this... each phone call I take at the call center is a solitary moment in time...each call I make to verify a transaction, or take to answer a customers question is a singular moment. Never to be repeated in quite the same way. I am very much aware of this and that this will be the only time I touch this persons life, to never speak to them again.

....I take another call and another.."yes ma'am, there has been an order placed on our website using your credit card number ending in...." a victim of fraud answers a message one of us has left on their phone... there are varied emotions on the other end of that phone, and I am limited as to what I can say to the victim of identity theft. Limited in the consolation I can give... bound by the law and the priorities of the world's largest retailer. ... time is critical. We are working in real time and the fraudster is stealing more as we sit there talking. I hurry through the phone numbers and instructions realizing that this persons life has just been thrown into a muddle and all I can say is sorry...

but for all of that I am humbly grateful for the job, hopeful that it might turn into something more. I like it really. I feel like I am doing worthwile work. I am helping people. My shift is now more of an afternoon and evening one and that leaves me my mornings to read watch mass on EWTN spend some quality time with Miss Abigail who has grown into the cutest little love bug... A neighbor comes in late afternoon to let her out for potty and on nice days they go for a walk. There havent been many of those. Cool and wet its been now with only a handful of dry bright days. I get home early enough to have a few hours to shop on my way home, to have a small meal and if I wanted watch TV thought that has become such a low prioity that the minimal cable package...(I now only have local channels and the religious stations like EWTN , and TBN. I also get Turner movies...all for 22.00 a month pretty cheap)

Because I am working evenings I have given up Alanon, no day meetings fit, and evenings are out. I also have dropped out of RCIA for now thought I am still attending St Stephen on saturday nights. I am waiting on God to show me His will on my swim accross the Tiber.

I have begun using a Divine Office for prayer and meditation in the last month, that too chops up my day into three prayer times. As I am still a candidate to join the Brothers and Sisters of Charity, this is what they use so my times of prayer and theirs sort of come together.

I am in hopes of a change in my life wroght by this time of one foot in front of the other...that the trust in God that I sought for myself so deeply is coming to the surface. As I daily trust God for my very exisitance I am growing in my knowledge of Him and His desire that I live like this one foot in front of the other. I tell people its like being a tightrope walker if you look down to to the side you will plunge to your death.

I want to thank those who pray for me and have and are there for me constantly. I couldnt get there without your help...for those that attend worship with me that read this thank you for your love and support.

To the trolls that lurk on my site that wait a year to say anything then make condeming comments and belittle my stituation, saying "so what you deserve it because you go to wrong church..." read that passage in James about wishing your brother to "be warmed and filled" then walking away. Only the litugically based churchs seem to have the resources to help folks these trying days... I am finding more good in my daily readings and prayers than I did just reading the Bible alone...

And to those that share in my sufferings... We are a long way from seeing daylight no matter what the pundits on tv say. We are in a depression in many parts of the country. I am glad ..GLAD God has used this trial to open my eyes to the true plight of the poor. Like the blind man, I had to run to Jesus to ask for my sight, and he has shown me the pain around me. I am not alone. My sight is being restored bit by bit... I want to be able to say...Yes I can see Jesus.......

Mark 10:46-52~ I Want to See, Jesus

2009-10-24T10:47:00.000-05:00

The hills are afire...autumn in the Ozarks near Bentonville AR

And they came to Jericho. And as he was leaving Jericho with his disciples and a great crowd, Bartimaeus, a blind beggar, the son of Timaeus, was sitting by the roadside.And when he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to cry out and say, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”And many rebuked him, telling him to be silent. But he cried out all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!”And Jesus stopped and said, “Call him.” And they called the blind man, saying to him, “Take heart. Get up; he is calling you.”And throwing off his cloak, he sprang up and came to Jesus.And Jesus said to him, “What do you want me to do for you?” And the blind man said to him, “Rabbi, let me recover my sight.”And Jesus said to him, “Go your way; your faith has made you well.” And immediately he recovered his sight and followed him on the way.

You Are Divinely and Eternally Loved~a meditation

2009-10-23T19:07:00.000-05:00

Eternal Blue Skies above Panama City Beach Florida

one of my latest crazes is Facebook. Several friends had encouraged me to use that as a tool to stay connected during this rough season in my life and its been a huge help to me.

I have strengthened old freindships, maintained a few friendships long distance and been introduced to some new friends...one of them is Vinny Flynn. He is a well known writer speaker and musician, best known perhaps as the patriarch of a very talented family and for his devotion to the Divine Mercy and Eucharistic Adoration. Here is a Facebook posting of his that really spoke to me recently

During Adoration this morning, the words of a song kept popping into my mind — “divinely and eternally loved” — the final words of one of the songs on my daughter Erin’s CD “Through the Darkness.” I can never listen to this song without tears, partly because of the beauty and emotion in Erin’s voice and partly because of the lyrics themselves.

Today the final phrase really hit me, and I was flooded with the reality of it: “You are divinely and eternally loved.”

Here’s the reality: You are not an accident. You didn’t just happen, no matter what the circumstances of your birth. You were not merely born; not merely created. You were fathered — lovingly, personally formed in your mother’s womb by God, who wanted you to be born, wanted you as His child.

There were millions of other human persons who could have been conceived through the union of your mother and father, each with his or her own completely unique DNA. Your parents, of course, couldn’t see all the possibilities and choose the one they wanted. But God could — and did.

Quite simply, you exist because God choose you, from all the millions of others who could have been born. You are — at the very least — “one in a million.” As Pope John Paul II wrote in his “Letter to Families,” “Parents, as you beget children, never forget that God wanted them born.”

That’s why abortion is always wrong, even in cases of rape and incest. No matter how unexpected, inconvenient, dangerous, tragic, or even violent the circumstances may be, one reality is always the same: from all the millions of possibilities, God chooses the child He wants born. And when God chooses to give life to a child, He also chooses to love that child forever, one-on-one, in a different way than He has ever loved any other child.

I have 7 children and (at last count) 23 grandchildren; and I do not love them all the same. I love each one differently and have a different relationship with each one. The more I get to know each one, the more unique that relationship becomes, and I can truthfully say to each, “I love you differently than I have ever loved anyone else.”

This is the way God loves you. When you can put aside all distractions and concerns and focus exclusively on God — in other words, when you become present to Him who is present to you — you will find yourself loved in an entirely unique way. It’s as if no one else exists at that moment — just you and God. You are His entire focus, the delight of His heart.

This then, is what it means, first of all, to be “divinely and eternally loved: to be chosen and set apart from all others in the heart of God.

What else does “divinely loved” mean? It means you are “thrice” loved. There is no separation in the Trinity. As St. Faustina expresses it, “Whoever is in communion with One of the Three Persons is thereby united to the whole Blessed Trinity, for this Oneness is indivisible” (Diary, 472). At every moment of your life, you are being held in the loving embrace of three divine Persons: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

How do divine persons love? Unconditionally. Not based on behavior, but on relationship. God doesn’t give or withhold love depending on how you act. There is nothing you have ever done or could ever do that can make God stop loving you. You don’t have that power. You can’t change God. He is always loving you, always wanting the best for you. The things you think and say and do don’t change Him; they change you. They either draw you closer to Him and His love, or they pull you away from Him so that you can’t feel or respond to His love.

“Eternally love?” It means that this personal, one-on-one, unchanging love of God for you is not bound by time. He knew you and loved you before He formed you in your mother’s womb, and His love for you will never end.

You are divinely loved — forever!

I needed that thanks Vinny!

Mark 10:34-45 Rule For Success

2009-10-18T09:47:00.000-05:00

Pasture fence near Bentonville AR

And James and John, the sons of Zebedee, came up to him and said to him, “Teacher, we want you to do for us whatever we ask of you.”And he said to them, “What do you want me to do for you?”And they said to him, “Grant us to sit, one at your right hand and one at your left, in your glory.”Jesus said to them, “You do not know what you are asking. Are you able to drink the cup that I drink, or to be baptized with the baptism with which I am baptized?”And they said to him, “We are able.” And Jesus said to them, “The cup that I drink you will drink, and with the baptism with which I am baptized, you will be baptized,but to sit at my right hand or at my left is not mine to grant, but it is for those for whom it has been prepared.”And when the ten heard it, they began to be indignant at James and John.And Jesus called them to him and said to them, “You know that those who are considered rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them.But it shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all.For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Psalm 142~ Lord, You Are My Refuge

2009-10-04T10:10:00.000-05:00

Autumn Surrounds the Sanctuary, First United Methodist Church Bella Vista AR

You Are My Refuge

With my voice I cry out to the Lord;
with my voice I plead for mercy to the Lord.
I pour out my complaint before him;
I tell my trouble before him.

When my spirit faints within me,
you know my way!
In the path where I walk
they have hidden a trap for me.
Look to the right and see:
there is none who takes notice of me;
no refuge remains to me;
no one cares for my soul.

I cry to you, O Lord;
I say, “You are my refuge,
my portion in the land of the living.”
Attend to my cry,
for I am brought very low!
Deliver me from my persecutors,
for they are too strong for me!
Bring me out of prison,
that I may give thanks to your name!
The righteous will surround me,
for you will deal bountifully with me.

Belief and New Birth~ A Reading for my Spiritual Birthday

2009-09-29T17:20:00.003-05:00

Salt Grass at Noon Cape San Blas FL

God,whose goodness is not exhausted,
whose mercy is not emptied out
whose knowledge does not fail
whose power can effect what You will:
Whence shall I ever be able to get back life
who have thus been driven
desparate by my sins?
For if you are angry against sinners,
at least kind Lord,
you are accoustomed to give counsel
to those who plead with you
Teach me O Lord,
Whence I ought to hope
so that I can pray
For I long to pray to you
but I neither know how because of my ignorance
nor am I able to because of my hardness
And I am forbidden to do it by dispair
because of my sins

I seek for something that will excuse me
and there is nothingthat does not accuse me
I seek for someone who will pray for me
and I find whatever exists is against me
I seek for someone to have mercy upon a wretch
and all that has being opposes the wretch

Jesus Good Lord
Why did you come down from heaven,
What did you do in the world
to what end did you give yourself over to death
unless it was that you might save sinners?

Saint Paul what did you teach?
when you were passing through this world?
God and his apostles and you most of all
invite us sinners to faith
you show us this as our only safe refuge
How then should I not hope if I believe this and ask in faith
How can this hope be frustrated in me
if that faith does not fail me
from which it was born?

Saint Anselem

Mark 9:38-50~ Do Right For Christ's Sake

2009-09-27T14:30:00.000-05:00

Summer Day at the Lake Beaver Lake Arkansas

John said to him, “Teacher, we saw someone casting out demons in your name, and we tried to stop him, because he was not following us.”But Jesus said, “Do not stop him, for no one who does a mighty work in my name will be able soon afterward to speak evil of me.For the one who is not against us is for us.For truly, I say to you, whoever gives you a cup of water to drink because you belong to Christ will by no means lose his reward.

“Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him if a great millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea. And if your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life crippled than with two hands to go to hell, to the unquenchable fire. And if your foot causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life lame than with two feet to be thrown into hell. And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into hell,‘where their worm does not die and the fire is not quenched.’For everyone will be salted with fire. Salt is good, but if the salt has lost its saltiness, how will you make it salty again? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with one another.”

The Way Forward, A Blogaversary post

2009-09-26T20:46:00.002-05:00

Diamond Head Dreams Waikiki Beach Honolulu Hawaii

The very God who seems to be tormenting us is the one who truly loves us, the one we can trust without reserve. The deeper we go into the dark night of the uncomprehended God and trust in him, the more we will discover him and will find the freedom and love that will carry us through any and every dark night.” Ratzinger (Pope Benedict XVI), God is Near Us, p.47

There have been many Dark nights in the six years since My Wide Blue Seas was born... First conceived as a rant blog against the huge issues we struggled against as Woody and I tried to cope with the culture, customs and predudices of our life in Hawaii. MWBS evolved into a personal/news blog then as we made the crossing to the Mainland, it changed again to a personal journal.

It has been a huge wonderful vehicle for self expression. I have made many new friends, and gained a wider perspective on the world and learned a lot about many things...The numbers dont matter much but I still think its amazing that nearly 80,000 people have stopped by, that I have written more than 1500 posts, intersected with countless lives...I am awed and amazed. Thanks for stopping by, for reading my posts and posting your kind comments. You bless my life continually

A Light At The End Of This Tunnel

2009-09-25T20:34:00.005-05:00

The light on the hill, St Stephen's Catholic Church, Bentonville AR

I love this group... Third Day was the sound track for my time in Louisville, seems like they are the local fave band and I know they do get a lot of airplay on the local Christian Top 40 stations... Daily as I have trudged uphill inwardly through all of this I hear this song in my ears... A MWBS first, my first YouTube embed

Well, I know that there are some of you that wondered what happened to me, trust me I was wondering if I would be able to get back to blogging. I guess I had just run out of things to say. I also frankly have begun to feel like there are lurkers that check in on my life this way but dont take the time to pick up the phone and talk to me... The silence encouraged contact...for those of you that didnt call that have my number... dont bother...

I am well. I actually have two posts started on the two incredible jobs I have had since Labor Day, and rather than write about them now I will save them for another day.

My silence started three weeks ago when I realized that I had come to an end... I had no money, I had run out of food, Abi was sick, my utilities were going to be turned off, my insurance was canceled I had no prospects for anything. I froze up, and found that I couldnt face the world, with my Jesus smile on my face... I couldnt fathom what I was going to do or what I should do... so I stayed home suddenly on a Sunday morning, stayed in my jammies with the doggie and prayed, read the Word and leaned on God, asking God to give me the strength to face whatever it was I needed to face. The future looked really bad...

I know the truth, the God takes care of us. We are required to meet Him where He wants to meet us, that is not necessarily half way, sometimes it is 1/100 th of the way, but we need to do whatever it is that He wants us to do. I didnt know what that was until the next day. I was walking in the rain working on finding leads for my insurance work. I was lightly dressed and had a jacket on and I felt like I did 30 years ago... before I was married to the Engineer...when I walked aimlessly in West LA with my gay friends through some pretty mean streets. Hopeless and pretty lost feeling... flash forward I was hungry and cold and wondering if this was my future... There are a lot Believers living that way right now...OK God I thought I can do this if I must, as long as You are with me...

I received a phone call about an hour later from a friend asking me to do him a favor... as it turned out it was going to cost money... Not a lot of money, not enough to even register in this person's mind that "Hey, maybe she cant afford to do this for me..." But I didnt have two bucks of change left in my ashtray to get a burger...but at that point I said nothing, I waited and got the object he wanted mailed to his friend ready to mail off... When evening came, I told him via email that I hadnt the money for the project...and my phone rang...how much did I need...and please tell him what the situation really was like... which I did. He gently told me that I would receive and envelope from a mutual friend at a small group meeting we both attended the next day and I was to use what I needed to mail off the package and put the rest in my gas tank... The envelope was discreetly passed to me the next morning and there was just enough to pay UPS for the package and fill up my van with much needed gas...

In the same way I heard from a friend at church who is in management there, she was concerned that I was sick with no one to look after me... Well I told her the truth...that I just couldnt face it anymore... I am battle weary and worn out, and needed a day to just stop... She said that she didnt know how I had managed to stand up and face my situation day in and day out the way I have... and stay sane... I told her that sanity is debatable but I am still here, but... I was really in trouble and not sure what to do next. I told her my situation...There are services that can help me but they are very limited, and families are served first because the limited amount of aid goes to help more people. I shared with her that I swore I would never ask the church for help, but I didnt have anyone else to ask, my family has impossible conditions for me to meet, I have been unsuccessful in getting any sort of public assistance...

So the church got my power,phone water and car insurance caught up. I also have done some clean up work for several events held there that has brought in much needed income, that helped me pay the rent. They provided a gift card for a local market. Another friend sent me 100.00, which I have used to keep my van filled with gas. I received a bag of food for Abi...how did they know I was out of food for her? A Food Package was purchased in my name and given to me last week, things feel a bit easier..

Humbling myself before the church seems to be a key that has unlocked a huge door. I got two weeks work at a local water company... payment posting mostly but a wonderful small office with down to earth people that were just plain encouraging to be around day in and out. Then out of the the clear blue sky, a man with a local consulting firm called me. He had a 10 week plus assignment with Wal Mart.com, in fraud prevention. I have fininshed my first week and feel like this may be it, the permanant job I have been praying for. I feel very at home here and while this is very entry level and the pay reflects that, I know that God has guided me into this, and He will provide, I need to just trust Him and do my very best every day. There is the possibility they will need me after the Holidays, or that I will be able to get into another department. Walmart is not hiring here in the Home Office just now but seasonal work often leads into full time if there are openings...

Another tunnel that seems to have a light is my quest to join the Catholic Church. I had two horrid weeks at St Bernards, in their RCIA. These folks mean well but are not educated, and were not gifted in the teaching dept. It was about as interesting as watching grass grow... So a friend invited me to her church in Bentonville. They have a new priest who is a delightful man, very learned and teaches the classes himself. He is willing to work with me.. do anything needed to facilitate my entrance into the Church, and is very supportive of my continuing to minister at FUMCBV..."after all" Msgr Scott said..."its not a big leap, is it?" No its not... especially with St Stephens being what can only be described as very Contemporary with Praise and Worship music in the services, a crucifix with Jesus alive and in a posture of worship, arms raised, and a "read your Bible and witness to others" message at the Eucharist... Are we in a Baptist Church or what? Seriously, I sense a warmth of spirit and a potential for fellowship that hasnt been present before.. This is also a younger church full of young families and single people... who knows maybe I will meet Mr. Wonderful there... we never know... I just know that I have found a home there and perhaps this is the start of something big in my life...

And so there is a bit of light. I am not holding my breath, but walking forward in hope One Day at a Time, keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus the souce of my faith and provision..

The Tower at Twilight StStephen's Church Bentonville AR

Psalm 31~ Put Your Hope In The Lord

2009-09-06T09:30:00.000-05:00

How Green is my Valley, Little Portion Retreat Center, Berryville, AR

Psalm 31

O Lord, I have come to you for protection;
don't let me be put to shame.
Rescue me, for you always do what is right.

Bend down and listen to me;
rescue me quickly.
Be for me a great rock of safety,
a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me.

You are my rock and my fortress.
For the honor of your name, lead me out of this peril.

Pull me from the trap my enemies set for me,
for I find protection in you alone.

I entrust my spirit into your hand.
Rescue me, Lord, for you are a faithful God.

I hate those who worship worthless idols.
I trust in the Lord.

I am overcome with joy because of your unfailing love,
for you have seen my troubles,
and you care about the anguish of my soul.

You have not handed me over to my enemy
but have set me in a safe place.

Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am in distress.
My sight is blurred because of my tears.
My body and soul are withering away.

I am dying from grief;
my years are shortened by sadness.
Misery has drained my strength;
I am wasting away from within.

I am scorned by all my enemies
and despised by my neighbors-
even my friends are afraid to come near me.
When they see me on the street,
they turn the other way.

I have been ignored as if I were dead,
as if I were a broken pot.

I have heard the many rumors about me,
and I am surrounded by terror.
My enemies conspire against me,
plotting to take my life.

But I am trusting you, O Lord,
saying, "You are my God!"

My future is in your hands.
Rescue me from those who hunt me down relentlessly.

Let your favor shine on your servant.
In your unfailing love, save me.

Don't let me be disgraced, O Lord,
for I call out to you for help.
Let the wicked be disgraced;
let them lie silent in the grave.

May their lying lips be silenced-
those proud and arrogant lips that accuse the godly.

Your goodness is so great!
You have stored up great blessings for those who honor you.
You have done so much for those who come to you for protection,
blessing them before the watching world.

You hide them in the shelter of your presence,
safe from those who conspire against them.
You shelter them in your presence,
far from accusing tongues.

Praise the Lord,
for he has shown me his unfailing love.
He kept me safe when my city was under attack.

In sudden fear I had cried out,
"I have been cut off from the Lord!"
But you heard my cry for mercy
and answered my call for help.

Love the Lord, all you faithful ones!
For the Lord protects those who are loyal to him,
but he harshly punishes all who are arrogant.

So be strong and take courage,
all you who put your hope in the Lord!

The Journey Prayer

2009-09-02T21:48:00.003-05:00

A Solitary Place, Gethsemeni Abbey, Loreto KY

Prayer from tonight's RCIA class

My Lord God.. I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing . I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this, You will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it.Therefore, I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for You are ever with me, and You will never leave me to face my perils alone...

Thomas Merton "Thoughts in Solitude"

Psalm 37~ He Will Not Forsake Me

2009-08-30T07:26:00.000-05:00

Misty Morning, The water hazzard on the 10th fairway, The Legends at Indian Springs, Springhurst, Louisville KY

He Will Not Forsake His Saints

Fret not yourself because of evildoers;
be not envious of wrongdoers!
For they will soon fade like the grass
and wither like the green herb.

Trust in the Lord, and do good;
dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him, and he will act.
He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
and your justice as the noonday.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;
fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way,
over the man who carries out evil devices!

Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath!
Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.
For the evildoers shall be cut off,
but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land.

In just a little while, the wicked will be no more;
though you look carefully at his place, he will not be there.
But the meek shall inherit the land
and delight themselves in abundant peace.

The wicked plots against the righteous
and gnashes his teeth at him,
but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for he sees that his day is coming.

The wicked draw the sword and bend their bows
to bring down the poor and needy,
to slay those whose way is upright;
their sword shall enter their own heart,
and their bows shall be broken.

Better is the little that the righteous has
than the abundance of many wicked.
For the arms of the wicked shall be broken,
but the Lord upholds the righteous.

The Lord knows the days of the blameless,
and their heritage will remain forever;
they are not put to shame in evil times;
in the days of famine they have abundance.

But the wicked will perish;
the enemies of the Lord are like the glory of the pastures;
they vanish—like smoke they vanish away.

The wicked borrows but does not pay back,
but the righteous is generous and gives;
for those blessed by the Lord shall inherit the land,
but those cursed by him shall be cut off.

The steps of a man are established by the Lord,
when he delights in his way;
though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong,
for the Lord upholds his hand.

I have been young, and now am old,
yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken
or his children begging for bread.
He is ever lending generously,
and his children become a blessing.

Turn away from evil and do good;
so shall you dwell forever.
For the Lord loves justice;
he will not forsake his saints.
They are preserved forever,
but the children of the wicked shall be cut off.
The righteous shall inherit the land
and dwell upon it forever.

The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom,
and his tongue speaks justice.
The law of his God is in his heart;
his steps do not slip.

The wicked watches for the righteous
and seeks to put him to death.
The Lord will not abandon him to his power
or let him be condemned when he is brought to trial.

Wait for the Lord and keep his way,
and he will exalt you to inherit the land;
you will look on when the wicked are cut off.

I have seen a wicked, ruthless man,
spreading himself like a green laurel tree.
But he passed away, and behold, he was no more;
though I sought him, he could not be found.

Mark the blameless and behold the upright,
for there is a future for the man of peace.
But transgressors shall be altogether destroyed;
the future of the wicked shall be cut off.

The salvation of the righteous is from the Lord;
he is their stronghold in the time of trouble.
The Lord helps them and delivers them;
he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
because they take refuge in him.

Angels Watching Over Me

2009-08-29T09:50:00.003-05:00

Angels watching over me... the angel fountain at Mt Sequoya conference center, Fayetteville AR

"...What we all see now is history repeating itself. The only blessing this time is that there aren’t any children involved. Enough damage was done to you for several lifetimes. You refuse to see what is before you. Your attitude is one of martyrdom and denial, not recovery and survival. Hiding behind your religion is a sin. Waiting for God to rescue you, yet turning away offers that don’t amount to what you want or think you deserve is also a sin. Pride and a sense of entitlement is not recovery. Every time something goes wrong or not the way you have planned you blame it all on someone else. Faith is a foundation for building a life, you are using it as a crutch to continue limping through your misery just like your mother always did
I know that if you’ve actually read to this point you’re angry. That’s OK. Maybe anger will drag you into reality. I’ve realized that my positive support has only enabled you to continue in your unhealthy delusions. I love you, I always have, I always will but I will no longer enable your self-pity. The offer of help is always open. We will never turn our backs on you. You are not alone, but like salvation, you must accept help to receive it...."

What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see. God gave his approval to people in days of old because of their faith.
By faith we understand that the entire universe was formed at God's command, that what we now see did not come from anything that can be seen.
So, you see, it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that there is a God and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him. Hebrews 11:1-3,6

Im probably going to get in trouble for writing this but I have found that sometimes communication by blog is more effective than an email...and of course, its my blog and if you dont like it dont read it...

I wasnt going to write about it. In fact I wasnt going to say anything at all. I found myself frozen in my soul at the verbiage that was tossed at me in these two emails received from a family member that I have opened up to trusted and believed understood me... I know that she loves me and means well but it is very obvious that she sees me thought the dirty lenses of a past that I didnt have much to do with. I feel too that getting this out will help me to free myself from the shame and blame that I seem to be shackled with by people that I care about.

Two weeks ago I was feeling very low and I sent off a email to this relative. I tried to express the fact that I feel that she has come a long way and no matter how bad her life was she still had the consolation of her sons,her parents, our extended family, and now her husband, who I do think is a great guy and I totally respect his stepping out to start a business ect.... where as I dont have that support at home and feel very alone. I have been though a lot in the past few months and wished that I had had kids to focus on. Yes it would have been harder but I wouldnt be alone...I would have a living part of myself beside me. Treasures, your kids are, even if they are not doing as well as you might want...

We have all fired off an ill conceived email, one that is not clearly written or written in haste. Sometimes the repercussions outweigh anything that was written, or tweeted or facebooked...Well this one brought up a back blast that I could not have dreamed would have happened. She feels that I have rejected her, slapped her in the face verbally and somehow demeaned the family that is "trying to help me" ( I havent gotten a play by play on how this "help" is supposed to work. I kinda think this might be part of the problem, I dont understand what "help" they want to give me, that I have somehow rejected...) That I am ungrateful, sick,blame everyone for my problems, and floundering in a past I left behind a long time ago, was the thrust of the entire message.

I have not put out there the portions of the email that scathingly detailed how the family came to the aid of my family as my father was waiting for Social Security Disability...it took three years to get that. I was 7-9 and obviously had no decision making ability with regards to what my parents did or didn't do. In fact neither did she, as we are the same age. What this was was an attempt to hurt me with a weapon that she knew would hurt me, the shame I feel when I think of my life growing up, in a church where because my Dad drank at all, and both of my parents were to a degree Bi-polar, we were looked down upon, and actually called the "church basket case family". Imagine living with that moniker attached to you?... I think that was really low...And it shows a huge misunderstanding of what our day to day lives were like. While our lives were certainly not Ozzie and Harriet, or even normal, the situation was not stereotypical either. We had good times and bad, happy and sad times, and we laughed a lot. My father was a sad drunk. Not an abuser, not a wife beater...just sad... His mental illness made it impossible for him to hold down a job, as the medications he took only partially helped him cope. So he drank to self medicate. Now, He promptly surrendered his monthly checks to my mom, and didnt rush off to a bar and spend it all on himself. He cared, in a way, that we were provided for, which is more than most drunks do. There was an option my mother could have tried, she could have joined Al Anon, as she was encouraged to do. She could have stopped buying him booze but she chose not to do that and enabled him. Her choice not mine. But I had food and a roof, and security. Things I do not take for granted today with my situation like it is... Yes, My mother clung to her religion all right but she was a schemer and a conniver as well. She was not willing to live within her means, and would spend in excess of her bank account, then expect a bailout. It was embarassing. I swore that I would never live that way and for the most part I have done that. She professed a faith but in practice she plotted and planned every stinking thing, if it didnt go her way she forced it. This is a true sign of Codependency, and she was one to the inth degree.

She learned this control thing from her mother who I believe was married to an alcoholic who got saved and gave up the bottle... Perhaps her grand parents were drinkers or some sort of impaired individuals, I will never know, what I do know is this, control was the name of the game and while we didn't have the boundaries we should have had in a lot of areas, we had some interesting house rules that color my affairs even today.

All of that being said, I am aware of my mother's issues. Her issues are not necessarily my issues. I have my own issues, they are all I am responsible for. I have a Program and daily I chose to work it, with varying degrees of sucess. I have lived a strong armed sobriety for 20 plus years. that isnt the best way to do that. I want to learn to Live and Let Live by faith and grace this time... One thing I am doing that she never did is trying to live One Day At A Time. Not allowing myself to worry so much about the future. I am concerned of course, that is what drives me out to look for work or something I can put my hand to to earn a living. God promises in His Word that he will give me my daily bread. That is Faith, not denial of reality. By chosing to stay chemically clean and sober, this means no alcohol, drugs, either perscription or street kine, I choose to live and feel all of my emotional pain and learn to deal with it in a orderly fashion. And I am doing it. That isnt denial, that is living a tough reality. I dont need Speed to wake up, a cocktail to wind down, and a downer to sleep. I need to get up when the alarm goes off, get my butt into the shower, and get the heck out there, its going to be a great day, and if its not fake it.

Because the alternative is not acceptable.

One sad thing is that when I answered the email. I cced several of my mother's sisters as well. I wanted to thank them in a public sense, for the love and concern that they showed me and mine during my younger years..I thought that if they had something to say they would at least acknowledge it...Not a thing. Truth is that if they cared they would contact me. For the mmost part, I am the one that tries to contact them... I dont blame them, they hardly know me. But that is the point isnt it? I have longed to be a part of the family, but for that to happen there needs to be a two sided communication, and that hasnt happened, not by phone, letter, email or facebook. I think its really sad.

Consequently, I feel alone. That is a feeling that I think is valid. Perhaps the reason now is that I need them more than ever, but they are afraid that like my Mother, who begged for extra money from every hand that would give it right up to the end, that I am the same way. Well, Im not. From the time I was out on my own till today I have stood on my own two feet, worked my butt off and asked for nothing from anyone. Now for the first time in my life, I am out of work, and facing homelessness, and asking for help. Not for a lifetime, but only until I get work and you can bet your sweet life that EVERY penny would be paid back. I dont want to be beholden to anyone. In truth all I want is work, I dont need to be taken care of, I dont need a money manager. I have lived on 12,000.00 since December with the few days of work I have gotten thrown in. Up until this month all of my bills and creditors were paid to date. I stuck it out here and got my house sold and the foreclosure off of my record. I think I am a damn good financial manager, what I am not is a good mate selector. And we have all been there as well.

So now that I have written my manafesto, I need to say one thing. I am tired. Its been a long haul to get to this point. I have done it while trying to muster up as much courage, dignity and grace as I can.I am responsible for whatever I did to get myself into this position, mostly loving and trying to live with someone that was not capable of empathy, and lived a secret life. I live with my mistakes and have tried to make amends where I can. From California to Hawaii to NW Arkansas and perhaps other places I have made the Journey. I have as Paul said, "fought the good fight.." there are a lot of times I want to lay it down and not get up. But I get up. I have over the past two years considered suicide as an option... Well I am still here...and living life "Just For Today" is helping me to get through that.

If belief in A God Who Sees is denial, then I am in denial. If faith that God will care for me in any fashion He chooses is a sickness, then I am sick. If living in the hope that God hears our prayers is being foolish, then I am a fool. I know that God is going to provide for me, I hope through a job in the next week. But until He chooses to do whatever he is going to do, I will try to keep the faith and trust that angels are watching over me...

Psalm 62~ Trust In God At All Times

2009-08-23T09:24:00.000-05:00

Summer thunderhead over the First United Methodist Church Bella Vista

For God alone my soul waits in silence;
from him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.

How long will all of you attack a man
to batter him,
like a leaning wall, a tottering fence?
They only plan to thrust him down from his high position.
They take pleasure in falsehood.
They bless with their mouths,
but inwardly they curse. Selah

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us. Selah

Those of low estate are but a breath;
those of high estate are a delusion;
in the balances they go up;
they are together lighter than a breath.
Put no trust in extortion;
set no vain hopes on robbery;
if riches increase, set not your heart on them.

Once God has spoken;
twice have I heard this:
that power belongs to God,
and that to you, O Lord, belongs steadfast love.
For you will render to a man
according to his work.

Summer Lillies, War Eagle AR

Surprise Decision

2009-08-21T21:27:00.002-05:00

The Mill spillway for War Eagle Mill War Eagle AR

I was stunned when I got the call from the agency that sent me to the job last week. I was not to return, the company was going in a "different direction", and they expressed concerns regarding my typing skills. So I went into the agencies office and discussed this whole thing. It turns out that my boss who had been out much of the week came back to see that I was not very well trained and was not compleating the work in a "timely manner" so it must be my typing skills. He was viewing a "stroke counter" a program that tells the viewer what a person has typed. Its a way to monitor the use of the computer and the internet. It doesnt take into account the time I spent in gathering the information that was place into the fields, not does it take into the account the fact that the company system was very counter intuative a required memorization of every operation... When the agency called it turned out that the gal that was training me showed me only part of what was expected so I didnt meet expectations. There is no turning back. I feel a bit like I have been sabataged. This must have been a sudden decision as they has assigned me a desk and gave me keys to the building the same afternoon. It makes no sense to me or to the agency. My gal at the agency went to the office saw the desk and the few things that I had left there,and brought them to me. She says its all very odd, very strange all around.

I am feeling very let down but yet, it was going to be a hard climb there. All of the operations positions there above what I was doing are treated like brokerage positions. This means you are paid on comission, and have a quota. I was really surprised at that, because you have to cover all of the loads on all of the lanes and you can choose which ones you work but if loads on lanes that lose money arent covered the department is in trouble. One of the girls was complaining that she was the only one doing this dirty work and she was losing money... I found myself dreading the dog eat doggedness of that situation.

I know that there are friends of mine that will say..."see see you were too negative and lacked gratitude and God didnt bless this." I have a number of friends that believe in the "Law of Attraction" ie The Secret and the Course In Miracles. However, I think that this was the wrong job for me. I can only pray for better. The gal at the agency said I was the third person they have sent in and only one has done ok not great but ok. He works the 6 pm to 6am shift, and that is what they were going to ask me to do and I physically cant do that night work. I think that and the fact that I am not a person that will stay content as a data entry clerk for very long were the real issues.

I told the lady at the agency that I was very willing to do that job for as long as I needed to... that being faithful in the small things was very important to me and that it was unfortunate that my trainer barreled into my new boss and told him how experienced I was and that I should move up right away...(I cautioned the gal to stop doing that...yikes...)She had issues and perhaps I didnt get the training I should have but I had no way to know that. Who was in charge? the supervisor sat next to us...if I wasnt doing well why did he tell me that he thought I was doing a good job, and why didnt he correct my trainer... I arrived on time, didnt abuse break or lunch times and did the work assigned to me. Where I come from that is what you do the first week on a job. There was no orientation, no tour and no meeting the other employees... I just feel like this was screwed up...

I wonder if those around me think I dont try hard enough. I do try, and have been willing to do a lot of things to turn a buck. I am feeling a bit confused and demoralized, but Monday is the start of a new week and I will look at the bright side. I was able to attend a great AA meeting this morning. The weather was lovely for the day out...Yesterday it was like we needed to get an ark built, it was raining so hard!

I am not in control of others I am only in control of myself. I feel that I did my very best, I can only hope that I can get settled soon. I am putting the ideas I am working on in my sessions and from Al Anon, and choosing to not make any decision making until I really need to make those choices. That is putting the idea of One Day At A Time into practice to me...

Critical Data For Better Decisions

2009-08-18T07:22:00.001-05:00

A New Trail.. The new walking trailhead at the Little Golden Gate Bridge, Bever AR

Today I will do something that is good for me, even if it feels uncomfortable...Self discipline is self caring... M. Scott Peck

Today's title came form a on line logistics publication I read...I thought it summed up what I lacked yesterday when I wrote my last post.

Well, I went into work today, The sunrise was gorgeous. I have missed this part of NW Arkansas, the beautiful sunrises and sunset. Working night shift meant being in a building before sunset and asleep at dawn... It was very early, but I have been rising at five or earlier for much if the time I have been back from Louisville. Abi , seeming to know this was a big day, woke me at 430 am wrapping her tiny front legs around my face and gently kissing me with tiny licks.So adorable. I repositioned her for a gentle belly rub as I prayed against the fear in my guts...

I was afraid. Afraid of the transition. Afraid to believe that this really is finally going to happen. And afraid that I would fail... The doubts are real. The awareness that I am making an investment that may not pay off for a long time. I dont know how I will make it financially, but I will trust that the Jesus that multiplied a small boys lunch into food for 20,000 people, can make a miracle in my financial life.

I was placed into the hands of a delightful gal, for training. It is her opinion after the first day that I am destined for bigger things than the job that I would be starting at and not to worry. The firm is a growing concern. I knew that, its one of the reasons I worked for free that day, just to get into the door. I can only pray that I impress them and that they want to keep me on there.

I figured out the amount that I will need to make to qualify for an apartment in the complex nearby that I was wanting to move into. When the time comes that is what I will ask for and tell them why. Its a reasonable amount for my expertise and skill level. This moving would be an advantage to them because it would be a 5 minute drive to work. It is good for me because I would be close to the local Mall/Shopping Area, and 15 minutes to Fayetteville, the University and the social life there that is missing for me up here in Bella Vista. But the 60 mile round trip is easy highway driving, and walking Abi this afternoon after a summer shower, the forest here was so beautiful.. Will be hard to choose... Frankly I may not get to choose, Mr House Owner may put the place back on the market and it will be sold out from under me, I wouldn't blame him. The market is heating up. I just need to be ready to make a change and not fuss too much about it. I have enjoyed living here and it has been a good place for me to be. But I will lose a lot if I leave here and if I move it should be closer to my work so I can be more centered in the community. I think commuter culture is one of the reasons we all dont know anyone, not even our neighbors. I would certainly miss people at my church and the ladies I am getting to know at my Al Anon meetings, but I would plug into a younger more diverse church, and there are meetings daily in and around the area

I found the people very friendly, the work is exacting but I sense a real team mentality not like thisplace where you were expected to do what was on your list and no one pitched in to help you and woe to you if you screw up. It is ultra casual jeans and tee shirts mode. I can wear jeans every day, that is helpful as I bought more casual clothing, expecting to be in a workshop environment at this point. I heard over and over how glad people were to be there. I didn't sense the stress and upset I have seen in transportation firms before. This could truly be a great experience. I need to relax let go and let God direct this.

Please pray for us. Abi had a lovely time with her doggy sitter Diane. I know she will miss her next week, but Auntie Barbara across the street may come in if she is here. Her daughter is struggling with cancer and is not doing well and so there may be other priorities for her in these coming days. I have left her before for a whole day and her crate is very large. She is well and shows no sign of her illness last week.

Thank you for praying and for your encouragement. We are not out of the woods yet but I feel like there was a light shown at the end of this long dark tunnel. Im walking forward, armed with the most critical of information. That God is with us and His love never fails

Faithful In Small Things

2009-08-17T06:34:00.001-05:00

Summer Barn, Garfield AR

Naaman, commander of the army of the king of Syria, was a great man with his master and in high favor, because by him the Lord had given victory to Syria. He was a mighty man of valor, but he was a leper.Now the Syrians on one of their raids had carried off a little girl from the land of Israel, and she worked in the service of Naaman's wife.She said to her mistress, “Would that my lord were with the prophet who is in Samaria! He would cure him of his leprosy.”So Naaman went in and told his lord, “Thus and so spoke the girl from the land of Israel.”And the king of Syria said, “Go now, and I will send a letter to the king of Israel.”

So he went, taking with him ten talents of silver, six thousand shekels of gold, and ten changes of clothes.And he brought the letter to the king of Israel, which read, “When this letter reaches you, know that I have sent to you Naaman my servant, that you may cure him of his leprosy.”And when the king of Israel read the letter, he tore his clothes and said, “Am I God, to kill and to make alive, that this man sends word to me to cure a man of his leprosy? Only consider, and see how he is seeking a quarrel with me.”

8But when Elisha the man of God heard that the king of Israel had torn his clothes, he sent to the king, saying, “Why have you torn your clothes? Let him come now to me, that he may know that there is a prophet in Israel.”So Naaman came with his horses and chariots and stood at the door of Elisha's house.And Elisha sent a messenger to him, saying, “Go and wash in the Jordan seven times, and your flesh shall be restored, and you shall be clean.”But Naaman was angry and went away, saying, “Behold, I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call upon the name of the Lord his God, and wave his hand over the place and cure the leper.Are not Abana and Pharpar, the rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? Could I not wash in them and be clean?” So he turned and went away in a rage.But his servants came near and said to him, “My father, it is a great word the prophet has spoken to you; will you not do it? Has he actually said to you, ‘Wash, and be clean’?So he went down and dipped himself seven times in the Jordan, according to the word of the man of God, and his flesh was restored like the flesh of a little child, and he was clean.

Hoku:Dont you think this is wrong? When I went and worked that day for free we talked about this. You said that my doing that would not reflect in the compensation that I would receive should they hire me. Now They want me to come, work a 3 12 hour day 6 to 6 and ever other Saturday, possibly overnights which we NEVER discussed and they only want to pay 8.00 per hour, with no shift differential? I made twice this on my last freight job and worked a regular day...They pay better at Mc Donalds....

Temp lady: This is a Fortune 500 firm Forbes says they have the best benefits and promote from within. They will raise you to 10.00 after 90 days and give 5 percent raises...

Hoku: I have to drive 40 miles each way, and you cant eat benefits. I know these people and am very disappointed with them and with you. You are taking advantage of my situation, how desperate I am, and frankly Im shocked...

Temp Lady: But you will go?

Hoku: Do I have a choice?

I dont have much choice. I need some money, soon. I am out of savings and dont have anything left. Abi got sick this week after surgery and my cash for the lights and phone went to the vet. Do I regret that or her no way. I love her and was so frightened that I was going to lose her like my Annabelle that I would have moved heaven and earth to help her. I wont be able to access any services to help me financially due to the times I need to be at this job. I will continue to look and will take interviews and even long term temp work closer to home.

It was a rollercoaster week last week. Once I got home I went right to interviewing. I have signed with a insurance company to sell employer benefits. I also went to meet with a firm that was from a contact by our pastors new husband. They are 60 miles away below U of A in Fayetteville, so I would try to make arrangements to move asap should I get that job...but...the owner of this homspun trucking company is trying to get his debt refinanced and should he not be able to he will be closing his doors. I think that is a dead end as well.

I am thinking seriously about what I should do. I paid my rent this month and will be unable to do that again, until I get caught up. I need cheaper digs but cant move till I have a job. Next month I have two months lights and phone. I am taking the cable box back, and Abi and I are going to eat the cabinets bare before we go to the store again. They are pretty bare now.

The Insurance guy said that you work leads filing yur imaginary bucket... You have to call so many leads till the bucket is full. The spill over is sucess... in whatever you are doing. I feel like I have done that with job hunting. The bucket is spilling over I just need to keep on until something more beneficial spills into my lap. I have invested so much time and effort in seeking work, that there must be some payoff sometime. People are calling me for temp work...people are praying for an end to my personal nightmare. But I know that a lot of other people are suffering as well.

I am retooling my resume for another head hunter with ideas and I will be going to this job and doing my best to be the best employee they have got. I want to be faithful in the small things. Perhaps there is a payoff in the end

2009-08-16T08:37:00.000-05:00

Green Fields on the Windward Coast Oahu Hawaii

“Give ear, O heavens, and I will speak,
and let the earth hear the words of my mouth.
May my teaching drop as the rain,
my speech distill as the dew,
like gentle rain upon the tender grass,
and like showers upon the herb.
For I will proclaim the name of the Lord;
ascribe greatness to our God!

“The Rock, his work is perfect,
for all his ways are justice.
A God of faithfulness and without iniquity,
just and upright is he.
They have dealt corruptly with him;
they are no longer his children because they are blemished;
they are a crooked and twisted generation.
Do you thus repay the Lord,
you foolish and senseless people?
Is not he your father, who created you,
who made you and established you?
Remember the days of old;
consider the years of many generations;
ask your father, and he will show you,
your elders, and they will tell you.
When the Most High gave to the nations their inheritance,
when he divided mankind,
he fixed the borders of the peoples
according to the number of the sons of God.
But the Lord's portion is his people,
Jacob his allotted heritage.

“He found him in a desert land,
and in the howling waste of the wilderness;
he encircled him, he cared for him,
he kept him as the apple of his eye.
Like an eagle that stirs up its nest,
that flutters over its young,
spreading out its wings, catching them,
bearing them on its pinions,
the Lord alone guided him,
no foreign god was with him.

The Little Portion

2009-08-14T19:12:00.002-05:00

The Gift of Living Water, A water Sculpture given to Little Portion Retreat Center Eureka Springs AR

God chose us before the world began, gave us unique talents and gifts, to bring glory to Himself, and these gifts uniquely fit us for the work He has for us. God is outside of time. He looked at this time and inserted us into the timeline. He brings everyone of us into the world for a specific purpose. We can work with Him, to cooperate in our own sanctification and the sanctification of others we come into contact with. That is our call, to be what God has called us to be, wherever we are, to bring glory to Him...
Johnette Benkovic the Abundant Life Show EWTN

I was mindful of this concept all week long as I spent quiet time with God, with a select group of individuals, and before the Blessed Sacrament, finding my place, my bearings after these tumultuous two years...for it has been two years since I set foot on MORE mountain near Eureka Springs....

I was contacted regarding a retreat based on a book written by John Michael Talbot, that was put together rather suddenly. No one had signed up to come to the previous weeks retreat, which is highly unusual, in fact this current weeks retreat has a waiting list. I replied that I couldn't afford to come, and the weeks lodging and retreat was gifted to me...

Dawn over the valley, and the city of Berryville AR

What a wonderful thing, a total blessing in every way. Not only a place, but a private room close to all of the action I could walk out onto a breezeway and flop on a deck chair and this was the view. Like a cruise ship on a hilltop. I so needed this time to just BE. So I found lodging for Miss Abi and drive the beautiful drive Weds afternoon up into the Ozark mountains, past the beautiful places that I have not seen in so long.

There were two priests, four pastors, including two UMC women pastors, and several people deeply involved with ministry,within their respective churches...but I learned a darker truth, that each and every person participating in this special weekend had a huge burden, from one of the ladies struggling with advancing MS...(she drove by herself from MA., three days driving alone in a van, that is determination, she knew she needed to be there)How about thes ladies from New Brunswick, Canada, who, because french is the first language for them, mistakenly bought tickets to Little Rock and took a cab from there to the retreat, 400.00 of cab fare... to a man who had his family removed from the home over a misunderstanding, a priest trying to decide if her should leave a community he has been a part of for a long time, or accept the challenge for finishing his ministry, yea his very life is a place he loves but has no community with... to a war vet struggling with many issues, and of course our speaker, John Michael Talbot, and the never ending struggle he has with money and red tape with regards to the rebuilding of the monestery, and the care of his flock... and myself, who perhaps has had, to them, a very long and painful ordeal, but much of it has gone undealt with until recently.We were all there for a healing , for a Word and for hope that God would hear us and come and meet us there.

My prayer was that I would learn to choose to not think about the past, it was to be a Woody and Mr. Wonderful free weekend. This was seconded by the retreat mistress, a manager/housemother/ladies spiritual advisor, who got me to confess my difficulties almost on arrival. She agreed to hold me accountable. She would ask me quietly about it during the six days... I also made a big discision that affects my security but would prolong my relationship with him. That door effectively closed, I hope that God will honor that step of faith and my willingness to forgo the comfort of that "ace in the hole..."

I was marginally sucessful. I found during the course of the conversation that both of these people came up as they have been such a huge part of my life...but in my private moments I made every effort to banish thoughts of these two, to focus on myself and my relationship with God and those around me, and am ok with the results... Truth is this exercise has helped lessen the pain somewhat.

I also have a very limited amount of money and time left to find a job, or a vocation with a place to live. My vision was to try to get beyond the dollars and cents, and focus on the idea that I am God's child it is HIS responsibility to provide for me. I need to be willing to do what ever it takes to take advantage of what He provides

The Worship Leader John Michael Talbot leading worship at a session in Ressurection Chapel

The sessions were wonderful, we talked about who St. Francis was and what Franciscan spirituality is about. The basis of the retreat was his book The Lessons of St. Francis There was a session of Q and A and several meditation exercises that I found helpful. But truthfully I think I found the comraderae of fellow seekers, people that chose at the spur of the moment, to be there and take part in the gathering most helpful and supportive in this trying time in my life. I found myself enjoying everyone I met, and feeling like I am not alone in my feeling like I am living cornered in a no win situation. As I got to know these men and women in sharing meals and down time on the breezeway, in daily chanting of the Divine Mercy Chaplet, and other prayers, and suprisingly, in serving them. I realized that I was neither guest or member of the community but something else and put myself at the disposal of the Retreat Mistress, who had me setting up prayerbooks for the twice daily prayers of the Divine Office, which were better attended than I had ever seen at any other retreat I have attended.

Under Construction Charity Chapel rising from the ruins Little Portion Hermatage Berryville AR

Normally the high point of the retreat weekend is a trip to the Hermataige and a celebration of the Vigil Mass with the full community. I remember the first time I was a part of this, and was so totally blown away by the power and enthusiasm of the worship... mind you this is a Catholic Mass... I now anticipate this time with great expectation.

Because the community chapel is under reconstruction, the residents of the community drove up to the retreat center where we crowded into the Chapel of the Ressurection and fired up the Band ie John Michael. We did songs that I knew well and I just threw myself into the whole experience. The homily was given by by Father Phil a retreatant, and basically John Michael gave an altar call not just for a Christian recommitement but also a plug for those in attendance to consider affiliating with the community. He doesnt normally do this but as he said this group felt like a commuity from the first moments we were all together, it was so amazing... As one man shared with me...he had been seeking the love of a family his whole life...he felt like he had found it there at Little Portion... I think he is right. We witnessed a tremendous move of the Spirit including a healing work where one of the Domestic Sisters who has a gift of healing started to move through the group laying hands on us, and as she prayed many of us knew the secrets of some of the others as we had prayed privately together, but Sister knew and the healing work was manifest and I can vouch for the authenticity of the work. I feel much stronger and I am going to need this in the days to come

Giving a Blessing Fr Lambert Leyhorn OFM at 81 years young, off to bless the new Stations of the Cross at the retreat center. He is temporarily acting as spiritual leader of the community while discerning if he should move from San Antonio to Arkansas full time

I looked into John Michaels face, we had talked breifly earlier and other's had been encouraging me. I saw the face of hope in the midst of great uncertainty. I looked around me and saw hope "in the breaking of the Bread". I was challenged to offer to God everything I think is unworthy...my brokenness, my grief, the lonliness and longing for security... all of the trials that I know have passed through the hands of my Loving God, and go forward... and live in the little portion promised to me by my Father in Heaven.

I have made the decision to pursue full communion with the Church. I feel free to do that now. I also presented myself as a candidate for the postulancy of Domestic Expresion of the Brothers and Sisters of Charity. I will remain in my own home and join in when I can in the community activity. I will join a cell group here locally, and perhaps this will make up for my leaving the Emmaus group.For the long term this will bind me to a loving covenant community. I am excited about this and look forward to becomming more and more involved with this.

I have returned form the mountain, and already have run into serious difficulty in both personal and financial issues. Please pray for me and the other retreatants as we move into living out what we leaned in our time on the mountain.

The Bell Tower, where I often sat to pray and think

Psalm 126~ Restore Our Fortunes, O Lord

2009-08-09T07:17:00.002-05:00

Summer Streams Little Sugar Creek, near Bentonville AR

Restore Our Fortunes, O Lord

When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion,
we were like those who dream.
Then our mouth was filled with laughter,
and our tongue with shouts of joy;
then they said among the nations,
“The Lord has done great things for them.”
The Lord has done great things for us;
we are glad.

Restore our fortunes, O Lord,
like streams in the Negeb!
Those who sow in tears
shall reap with shouts of joy!
He who goes out weeping,
bearing the seed for sowing,
shall come home with shouts of joy,
bringing his sheaves with him.

The Way of Aloha

2009-08-04T15:08:00.002-05:00

Beautiful Hanuma Bay Oahu Hawaii

Go very slowly, very quietly, from one duty to the next, taking time to rest and pray between. Do not be too busy. Take everything in order. Venture often into the rest of God and you will find peace From 24 Hours A Day by Richmond Walker
with a hattip to Scott at Attitude of Gratitude

I saw this on Scotts blog, which I have been reading. This man has worked his program and I have admired that for a long time. As I enter my second week of solitude.. True solitude because while I have my friends at church and I love them, and I know that they care for me, I dont feel that there is an anchor for me to hold me to anything, wither it be person place or institution. However, I love this area and I am hopeful that a job will come through soon

I am really trying to go slowly, not get to far ahead of myself, not dwell on the past, and not worry that perhaps I will run out of money, get kicked out of this house before I am ready to leave, or that I will finally give up like so many people have done in this town Sam Walton built.

I have spoken to Woody, he is contentedly parked at his boyhood friend's spare room, tending Jim's dog, while Jim and his nephew are in Stockholm, where the Jim's elder brother and father of the nephew is spending his second year in diplomatic service there. Woody got a new phone number, which frees me to change my phone number and plan. I am looking to reduce my overhead and if I dont get a job I will have to stop all payments to anyone, eating and a/c, gas and Internet are my core needs. I dont think I will be thrown out of my house tomorrow.

I have had great interviews this past week, but I saw at several of the places the dozen or so other people interviewing for the same twelve dollar and hour job. That is what is so difficult I think, but I keep plugging.

I worked a tough job for minimum wage last week. Its something Ive done before, but every time I do it they agency pays less and less... Call Walmart stores to see if they have received promotional shipments and what did they do with them. The agency called 30 people to get the three they got to work this for 7.25 per hour. The finalist were a lady so disabled she could barely walk into the building., a young man who lost his first job 6 months ago and his parents felt he wasnt doing enough to find work so they threw him out and he now sleeps in his car... and myself. I found myself consoling him that I understood his pain, as Dawn, the disabled lady consoled me with a little Bible study and prayers from her church in the Missouri countryside.

I have been attending an Al Anon meeting and reading literature. I see the point, and how I really am in need of this help. I am hopeful that I will make new friends and learn more and more ways of making change within myself. How I would have been so much better if I had gotten this kind of help sooner...or even understood tha this is what I needed.... I know that I have a lot of culpability in how things went down, that while Woody was certainly the problem, I wasnt helping him and especially myself living like a madwoman... and that my life emotionally has been totally unmanageable.

There have been some challenges, some misunderstandings, and moments where I had to make a decision that others might think crazy but I know are the right thing. For example the insurance company issued a check for 900.00 for some damage the was repaired. My name was on the check, and yes the money would have really helped. I feel that Woody should have reembursed me for the money taken by the bank in the spring, but he feels that he was entitled to everything from the sale of the house and all of this money as well. I could be begging on the street and he feels that is justice for all I have taken from him. I signed the check over and deposited into his personal account with friends at the bank saying that it was not right....I can only trust that God will provide for me everytihing that I need.

Case in point, last week I got an invitation to come to Little Portiion Retreat Center for a week of discernment, and to spend some time with John Michael Talbot in retreat. They are comping me the room, and my vet is comping me boarding for Abi... I am having her spayed while I am gone, so I wont have to worry about her going into heat when I am not able to deal with that.I received a half price coupon for the NWA Animal Rescue people. I know her breeder feels she should be a year old, but I see that all of her teeth are coming in she is old enough now. I am so greatful for this time away. My "people" are working on jobs for the following week and I will have internet acess for email checking while I am there. I have planned to clear my mind and not think about Woody or Mr. Wonderful during the time there..

My counselor has really gotten on me about my about this emotional affair and thinks that much of my deep depression is due to that and to my missing him. She is likely right. He haunts me and at times I feel rediculous and at other times I really want to just die for the wanting of him. Its becuse I put off this grieving over it and I need to just settle down and do it... So I am praying for a release from that bondage freeing both him and I for a new phase in our lives. Its a process. She feels this is actually more binding than my marriage to Woody, that I am more emotionally tied to this person. I am facinated by this whole thing and horrified at the same time... So I am praying and going to try to clear my mind... I am thankful that Abi makes me get out of bed in the morning...

Speaking of Abi...

I think she is getting to be a very pretty girl. I find that I dont take as many pictures of her because she never stops moving! so few of the ones I take come out clear... Monings are our favorite time, she has come to love sleeping with me and is so cuddly sweet in the morning I dont want to get up and start the day!

My life is more and more becomming a venture of living a life of Aloha. I am more and more trying to live one day at a time one hour at a time.. The life of Aloha...It is a process and a culture I want to develope within myself... it is my goal

Hebrews 12:1-2 ~ Pressing Forward

2009-08-02T21:34:00.000-05:00

The Prayer Garden, at Little Portion Monestery, of the Brothers and Sisters of Charity, Berryville AR This garden was lost in the great fire of 2008 and will be replanted once the monestery is rebuilt

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Exit Stage Left

2009-07-27T14:43:00.004-05:00

Better days Woody and I on the farewell tour of Hawaii Polynesian Cultural Center Laie Oahu Hawaii 2005

...That's not to say that we know nothing about the future, because we do. Before you and I close this book and call it a day, I thought you might want to know how it all turns out. After all, life leaves us in the dark about so many things. When we're little, we think we know what we want to be when we grow up, but when we are grown, many of us no longer have a clue. We walk down the aisle, and make promises "till death do us part..." but God only knows who will part first. Our babies take their first steps across the floor just to get to us, but we have no idea where life will take them. Or if they'll still like us when they get there. We're dianosed with a cronic diseases and coldly told the survival rates, but we have no clue where our numbers fall in those statistics We watch world news and squirm with the fresh realization that a sound mind isn't necessarily a requirement for becomming a world leader. We wonder how in heaven's name some maniac hasnt lost his mind and blown up the planet yet. We blow dry our hair and wonder if we are contributing to global warming. If we live long enough, and stay lugged in enough, we end up asking the same question our parents and grandparents asked: "what's the world coming to?" We shake our heads like no one has any idea. "

From the book " Get Out Of That Pit!" by Beth Moore Thomas Nelson Pub. 2007

Woody left this morning for California. Check in hand for the proceeds of the house. He has a good chunk of change. I wish him well. On saturday I met him at the estate sale people's place. We both received envelopes with tallies. My total was for far less than I had hoped. My heart sank as I looked at the total.I gave up a lot of stuff, good stuff and got pennies on the dollar for it. I had hopes that there would be funds to fix my car and to have Abi spayed, to go to the doctor and to perhaps buy a few new peices of clothing so I dont look like a scarecrow when I interview. Frankly it really doesnt matter. I need what God gives me. I have given it my best shot and now I need to really focus on finding a job and finding a way to care for myself and for Abigail. I also need to gather myself and really set my heart on the things God wants for me above all else.

Woody is ... such a mess. He has had several falls in the last week or so. He looks like he was rolled in a parking lot for his wallet. Black and blue, skinned knees, black eye. He has called me as usual but has had little to say. It is really over now. Even the shouting is done. As we walked away from the place he stopped me and promised he would call as he made the drive so I wouldnt worry.He gave me a cursory peck on the cheek, and walked to his car and drove off. I know he is angry about things, bitter towards me and the drinking is taking a huge toll. Now that I know what to look for...

I stood there for a moment and thought about the losses I have suffered. Woody, Mak and Nani, our home, our life such as it was. But the biggest loss to me is hope. I spent so many years hopeing for better, begging God to help us. Trying to love Woody to figure out how I could be a wife when so many things that a wife normally does to give aid and comfort to her husband were not acceptable to him. I am still at a loss to say why he married me, why he stayed married to me, and what he truly feels or ever felt. It is a mystery and one that will haunt me to the end of my days.

Looking at the empty house a few days ago, remembering the joy of its discovery and my hope that this would be the end of our journey and that we could enjoy a real life together...not perfect but peaceful and content. I know what happened and that it was my discontent that effected the change... Truly I must admit that was and is a good thing. The person that showed me this huge darkness and gapeing hole in my life left me for his new life sometime ago, but just knowing him as a friend showed me that there is more to this life than what I have experienced. He challenged me to let Woody go, to find my joy again, return to ministry and to allow God to deliver me from despair and bitterness... He was right. I live in such a poverty of soul that it frightens me to think much about the past few years. I am hard pressed to think about how I will get out of this mental/spiritual pit, but I am starting to work on that. It is my hope that soon I will be able to look back and see that this was just a dark valley, a time of germanation under the ground...a death that brings forth new life...

And like a play, you have entrances and exits. This play in three acts...act one called California, act two called Hawaii and act three called Arkansas is over... Woody has followed his script and exited stage left...I am sitting alone again, just as I was December 14,1993, in a pool of light on the stage of life, leading worship, working in the trucking business, closer to God than ever... this is how I am reframing my life now. I will do better than survive this time. It is my fondest wish that I find answers to the deepest questions of my life. I will work the Program, and I will strive to get well. I will accept what is, forgive and let go of what can never be, and detach from what I cannot change and is no good for me. Its a long and difficult road ahead...

And so it goes, this is now "the rest of the story"... my story continues on one day at a time.

Psalm 139~ I Will Praise Him Still

2009-07-26T18:37:00.000-05:00

Brilliant Sunset Panama City Beach Florida

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.

Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there were none of them.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.

Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
O men of blood, depart from me!
They speak against you with malicious intent;
your enemies take your name in vain!
Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
I hate them with complete hatred;
I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!

A Prayer For The Stormtossed

2009-07-23T19:36:00.004-05:00

Father of Heaven
as You came to Peter
and the other disciples
late one stormy night
on the Sea of Galalee
to quell the storm
to restore calm

Quell the storm that rages in my soul

Take away all fear and anxiety
Fill me with you peace
Grant that this trial
May bring me closer to God
For You, God,
are my strength
my hope and my song.

Blessed in Your Name
always Father,
Son and Holy Spirit
Amen and Amen

From the Orthodox Prayer Book

with a hat tip to Amy of The Daily Weaving

Eagle Has Landed~ The 40 Year Anniversary of the Apollo Moon Landing

2009-07-20T18:27:00.004-05:00

Lift Off Apollo 11, Photo courtesy of NASA archives

102:45:47 Aldrin: Mode Control, both Auto. Descent Engine Command Override, Off. Engine Arm, Off. 413 is in.

102:45:57 Duke: We copy you down, Eagle.
102:45:58 Armstrong (on-board): Engine arm is off. (Pause) Houston, Tranquility Base here. The Eagle has landed.

102:46:06 Duke: (Momentarily tongue-tied) Roger, Twan...(correcting himself) Tranquility. We copy you on the ground. You got a bunch of guys about to turn blue. We're breathing again. Thanks a lot.

102:46:16 Aldrin: Thank you.

you can read the entire dialogue here

They werent the only ones turning blue. We in my household were also parked in front of the tube, watching the flickering black and white picture as history was made and for us a difining moment in our family and the end of life as we knew it. My father had already been laid off from NASA and NAA, his employers and his dark night was to take on a deeper shade of grey

Planting the flag on the lunar surface Courtesy NASA archives

Every year on this day I write about my family. Not on their birthdays or holidays...this day because this was the day that transended all and defined us, certainly it shaped us. In the sacrifices of never having him at home during those earliest years. The financial depravations we suffered, and outright hardships endured, as my father underwent a massive breakdown as he watched his lifes work unfold in that screen. He was permanntly disabled mentally due to the stresses and overwork of that effort. The familial pain and outright neglect by both of my parents as they struggled through formed me and even now I am struggling to deal with some of these issues 40 years and two failed marriages later.

I am not going to retell the story but rather point you to some of my past posts

One Small Step... a new vision

One Small Step for a Man

One Giant Leap

"Because It Is The Hardest Thing I Can Do"

I saw the three Apollo astronauts today on Fox plugging the Mars mission effort. I am looking forward to seeing how things turn out with that.

I want to thank anyone and everyone that was involved in that effort that was such a great acheivemnt 40 years ago, that changed all of our lives forever. The technology developed for man's leap into space, touches every facet of all of our lives. Very little of todays basic convieneces would be around if not for the "space race" of the 1960's. Perhaps the way out of this recession is investment in a future effort in space, rather than the investment in AIG.

And to my Dad, who while wasnt the father I needed or he wanted to be, was pasionate about this effort. It captured his imagination and took him... this barely educated but briliant aircraft line worker, into a career beyond his dreams. I understand more today the destructive power of anger and unwillingnes to forgive and how it can ruin your life. It destroyed him. I pray for the repose of his soul, and ask God to forgive for my lack of forgiveness towards him. I pray that I too will have a landing soon at a Tranquility Base, where I can begin a new adventure of my own

Salute the Colors Courtesy NASA archives

Obadiah 1:4~ The Eagle Shall Land

2009-07-19T20:15:00.000-05:00

tropical Skies over Hawksnest Ravine Metfield Bella Vista AR

A family friend told me that verse was read by Charlie Duke at the Houston Mission Control off microphone while the LEM was positioning for landing on the lunar surface. It is very appropriate for tomorrows anniversary

Though you soar aloft like the eagle,
though your nest is set among the stars,
from there I will bring you down,
declares the Lord.

The Sundering

2009-07-13T19:23:00.004-05:00

The Hale Pau'ana Huakai...The House At the End Of The Long Journey...certainly the place where the journey ended for Woody and I.

Neither of you can return to the house...by the time we are done with the sale no beds or furniture will be left it will all be sold to the bare walls.Both of your items are laid out side by side... It would not be fair to either of you if you came in when we arent here... The lady running our eastate sale pronounced to me...

The house is sold, the insurance company is paying to put a new roof on, and the neighbors have pitched in to help Woody clear away the accumulated grime of the neglect of months...I tried to start on it myself, and found that my grief, my disappointment and frankly overflowing anger and hurt did not allow me to do much... Woody parked on his ass watching golf while I tried to vacum with a wand that was only three feet long... I think he wanted to see me struggle with that so I would be stooped over in a groveling position. We ended up shouting and I heard for the upteenth time that I only am to him the sum of our accumulated wealth...which he has squandered and blames me for the situation we find ourselves in, he had only to look around at our treasures amidsts the filth... the gold amidst the trash... Our dream home, our dream life in ruins, It was never real because you only have life if you make it...living on the largesse of others is not living... You never go anywhere if you dont work for it. It was a life... but I was the only one driving it, and without the help of a partner wanting to go in the same direction, it was bound to crash.

Aloha my Popoki Makoa and KaNani...

If there are two creatures that have suffered through the desperation of our separation and divorce its Mak and Nani. I saw them a few days ago and they were in terrible shape. Overweight, matted and claws so overgrown that they are having surgery in the coming days to fix their feet and relieve the pain. Their new caregiver is their vet, who is going to try to find a good home for them... why dont I take them...because I may very well need to move soon and that could mean couch surfing, living in a small apartment, or living at a friends home. Abigail has a home with her breeder as long as I need to leave her there... Mak and Nani have been astranged from me since 2007 when I broke my foot. They became afraid of me then I worked nights and went to Louisville. They have forgotten I am their mom...the one that took them out of the cardboard box in the Hilo Famer's market, fretted over them and cried for them as we flew from Honolulu to Houston. Now they hiss when I try to go near them, and their mats are so deep that their skin is sore, so petting is unpleasent and hurts them. I know that things will be better for them any place but where they were

I didnt see them off today, as I was working... but I trust that Woody loves them and will do whats right for them...Its all I can do.

My Chinese desk symbolic of my business and my time in Hawaii

I took my things, including this fragile desk and related peices to the estate liquidators who salivated over it. I believe over half of the stuff that I brought here to Peartree was returned to the house for the sale. I filled the space in the house with something else, and its ok. The extra space is good... the money will be good and the letting go of something that will not make another journey intact... very good. My style has changed. My life has changed. A sleeker, more streamlined look, easier to clean and manage is more appropriate for me. The fabrics,patterns, books of my former domestic life, where I danced, made costumes and all of my own clothing has come to an end for now. It needs to be sold while it still has value, and here in quilting sewing heaven it does! All of the equipment I purchased for my aborted business is being looked at by jewelry pros in the area that are game to try at what I have no nerve to do now. I am letting go of that dream so I can change my life for the better. I have a plan now and if I can get a job soon I will be ok... selling this stuff will buy me time to get under way.

I am also letting go... so what is left of ME will stay intact. Woody is an alcoholic he confrims it by his loud denials and running around the neighborhood finding out if I have "talked" behind his back. I know that he is moving on, headed to a couch, and a job in California and that this is God's plan for me. I wish it could be on good terms.

But I fear that this will not be the case. I have yet to meet a drunk that refused help and still cared about his/her confrontor. Either your beloved drunk gets help, or you need to get going. My mother stayed for 30 years with my Dad. She had her reasons, but I am not going to do that and didnt do that. I also dont have to stay defeated either. Yes, I am going to my first meeting tomorrow night, and yes I am going to get well, whatever that means. If it means sleeping on a friends couch for a bit OK. It may mean 30 days at NW Arkansas Womens Shelter, that could be a good experience... If it means moving 1000 miles south I will do that. If it means uncertainty while I wait on God, and learn the true meaning of faith, I am committed to doing that.

I felt torn asunder this past weekend...I think today...thats a good thing. Its a finality that needed to happen. The Sundering, all of us going our separate ways frees me for what God has for me next. Abi and I are waiting, praying and hoping...

The New Journey is just beginning....

Woody in our backyard with my beloved Annabelle when she was three months old two years ago August 2007

Psalm 18:1-3,6,16-19,25-28,30-32,35-36,46,49~Praise To God In Time of Trial

2009-07-12T05:42:00.000-05:00

Summer Pastures Carroll County Arkansas

A Psalm of Praise

I love you, O Lord, my strength.
The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised,
and I am saved from my enemies.

In my distress I called upon the Lord;
to my God I cried for help.
From his temple he heard my voice,
and my cry to him reached his ears.

He sent from on high, he took me;
he drew me out of many waters.
He rescued me from my strong enemy
and from those who hated me,
for they were too mighty for me.
They confronted me in the day of my calamity,
but the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a broad place;
he rescued me, because he delighted in me.

With the merciful you show yourself merciful;
with the blameless man you show yourself blameless;
with the purified you show yourself pure;
and with the crooked you make yourself seem tortuous.
For you save a humble people,
but the haughty eyes you bring down.
For it is you who light my lamp;
the Lord my God lightens my darkness.

For who is God, but the Lord?
And who is a rock, except our God?—
the God who equipped me with strength
and made my way blameless.

You have given me the shield of your salvation,
and your right hand supported me,
and your gentleness made me great.
You gave a wide place for my steps under me,
and my feet did not slip.

The Lord lives, and blessed be my rock,
and exalted be the God of my salvation—

For this I will praise you, O Lord, among the people,
and sing to your name.

The Other Woman

2009-07-07T09:30:00.003-05:00

The Stranger I Married Woody at Springfield Plantation, Mississippi

Started 7-02-09

When I did open my eyes, it was because I had to. And the man who showed me the truth was a fellow sufferer and a layman. Through him,I saw at last, and I stepped from the abyss to solid ground, knowing at once that my feet were on the broad highway if I chose to walk. ~Bill W with a hat tip to dear Scott at Attitude of Gratitude

My week this week has been one of surrender and discovery... of break through and heartbreak...and truthfully I feel more clear minded than I have in a long while. Like Brother Bill I feel like I have gained a footing and can walk if I choose...

It began a week ago, Woody came to the cottage to see little Abigail (little Ha! shes a whopping 6 pounds and a sturdy little piglet and goes into a frenzy when he comes over.)I have been struggling trying to stay positive in the face of criticism that I myself am somehow to blame for my situation. I have looked hard at my spiritual state not just now but in the past when I for want of a better word, cursed Woody for his weakness, his lack of...backbone... his neglect of me and our needs. Even as the foundation of our lives crumbled he would look me in the eye and say no to any sort of attempt to look for a job or seem to care. I know that I came to a place of speaking death rather than life into the situation, that only hurts myself. Now I find that everything that I ever wished on Woody is befalling me. I have repented and know that God will help me...

I was surprised at Woody's visit but even more surprised when he told me that he had been thinking a lot about my relationship with a mutual friend, and that with the recent disclosures of the Governor of South Carolina and his.."soul mates" ahem... that he felt he would ask... since there was a time in my life when I preferred married men to all other possibilities, had I crossed the line with this married man?...

No... the answer is no. In my heart...well... the heart wants what it wants and I have been hard pressed to deal with it at times... This has been a long struggle. In December of 2007 I wrote this piece about my struggles with my thought life. Its a hard road especially with my emotional life so barren. And with life harder and harder its been easier to indulge this. I know for a fact that the feeling is mutual with this person in a vague sort of way. I can tell and so could Woody the last time the three of us were together in the same place. I am not sure why he asked and was even more surprised that my little pet sin was so obvious to the guy who is a self described empathetic mud puddle... about that deep and that murky... Frankly I never thought that he paid that much attention to the deeper parts of my life... The gentleman in question took a new job a while back and moved his family hundreds of miles away. We talk once in a while but likely I wont see him again. Do I think God is in this? You betcha... For all of our sakes...

The next day was Sunday. Rev Sara did a bang up job, but Pastor David was very much missed. People only mentioned it in a hushed whisper. People want to do the right thing and life will go on... I came home and thought a lot about this whole situation. My situation with unemployment and divorce and the whole mess. I felt a distinct change in my church community as it tries to ajust to regime change and new set up. It added to my sense of loss and confusion...add Woody's questions and well...

I couldn't wait to unload all of this on my counselor Susan... who has been patiently waited for me to tell all someday... she got the whole story... A story that she had been waiting for for weeks...My emotional affair, that is crushing the life out of me because when you cant really have your Beloved the stress and pain can be overwhelming. For me the thought that I could actually feel something for someone, I felt alive... But in truth its like these young people that cut themselves with razorblades pathologically, It damages you even as you "feel" something. I think the worst thing is that it takes you out of the present and you cant live in the moment while doing this. And if you go too far it becomes adultery according to Our Lord... I never thought about this situation that way before.

So I left Susan with homework to practice speaking forgiveness, to three people in particular. First Woody, then Mr. Wonderful, for innocently egging me on in my day dreams, and mostly for myself... Truly this had a great effect almost from the beginning. There was a bit of a formula and I used that every time I thought of it. This was a great thing and I found it really helped. I would get to put it to the test in 72 hours

Both Woody and I are preparing for an estate sale, we both have gone through all of our things and selected what we want to keep and the rest will be sold. Woody is selling 99 percent of what he possesses I am hauling over about 1/3 of my stuff. But because most of the stuff I am selling is small and practical I may make more that Woody selling the beautiful furniture of our Hawaiian Dreamtime.

One thing we hadnt done was go through all of our personal papers sorting throwing out and dividing up. We talked about things that only the two of us know about here. I will miss that. I am losing the only person that knows about a large part of my life, our mutual history. Out time in Calvary Chapel, out time in Hawaii, no one else knows about our struggle...

Woody and I talked about my situation and then out of the blue he said he had something that he needed to share with me but first he sent me to the refrigerator to get a soda... I opened it up...

It was full of bottles of hard liquor. I took the soda out and opened the freezer door... There were more in there. Super cold, so you can drink it straight out of the bottle if you want... I was horrified.

I closed the door and went back into the dining room. Woody looked at me and said "I have a mistress..." I said "Well, how is that going?" He said "OK"... I said "You can get help for that..." "I dont want any help, I want to be left alone..."

As you all know... I have 100 questions about our marriage. About why things were the way they were. If you take most of those questions, and answer the question with "alcohol addiction"...it makes perfect sense. Our financial problems, Woody's peculiar behavior, his lethergy and sloth. His not being able to keep a job and no one wanting to hire him. The reason he never let me see the bank statements for his personal accounts....The reason he didnt want me around... wanted me to go to Louisville and not to return...

I forgave him. I forgave the suicidal mayhem he has unleashed on himself. He takes anti depressants and is diabetic. This is why they cant get his meds stable and why his sugar is sky high and they want to put him on the needle. His weight is going down but he is getting bigger... That is his liver distending... How did I not see this...

Because the wife is the last to know.

7-4 I spoke to him tonight. He admitted to drinking till he passed out but he only did that because he thought I had been in the house and done some stuff... Truth is that he had a blackout and didnt know what he had experienced. I am concerned about him, but the first thing I must do is to let go. I encouraged him to get help and changed the subject. If he is powerless over alcohol, I am powerless over his choice to misuse it and that is the beginning of my recovery. It going to be a long process but I am ready to begin, even if he is not, Its my journey to make, and walking in forgiveness, in Aloha is the way I am going to make it, one day at a time....

Happy Birthday Woody

2009-07-06T14:47:00.003-05:00

Its always hard for me to deal with your birthday, I dont know who you are and less so this year...Our lives havent changed much since this 2005 post

I know that you are struggling with your own demons and I understand the pain of that. My only wish is that we had more time and that we had perhaps had the benefit of counseling. But neither of use were ready for that. Perhaps it is best that things lie where they will

Happy Birthday, my friend, for no matter what has happened, you are still counted as my friend. It has been a hard long road especially this last year

Matthew 25:31-46~The Final Judgment

2009-07-05T08:43:00.000-05:00

View from the Ko'olau mountains Oahu Hawaii

The Final Judgment

“When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne.Before him will be gathered all the nations, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats.And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the left.Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world.For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me,I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink?And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you?And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’

“Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels.For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink,I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.’Then they also will answer, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?’Then he will answer them, saying, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”

...A Story About Him...

2009-07-01T02:29:00.001-05:00

Glorious Dawn over Panama City Beach FL

Anoint my heart with the oil of Your mercy,
my most merciful Lord.
May neither anger against the strong
nor scorning of the weak ever erupt in my heart!
For everything is weaker than the morning dew.
May hatred never make a nest in my heart
against those who plot evil against me,
so that I may be mindful of their end
and be at peace.

Morning Cloudscape Panama City Beach FL

Mercifulness opens the way
to the heart of all creatures,
and brings joy.
Mercilessness brings fog to the fore,
and creates a cramped isolation.
Have mercy on Your merciful servant,
most Tender Hand,
and reveal to me the mystery
of Your mercy.
The Ultimate Man
is the child of the Father’s mercy
and the Spirit’s light.

A dancing hermit crab, at low tide. Panama City Beach FL

All creation is merely a story about Him.
The mighty suns in the heavens
and the smallest drops of water in the lake
can in themselves be one part of the story about Him.
All the builders of heaven and earth,
from the exceedingly mighty Seraphim
to rulers and the tiniest particle of dust,
tell the very same story about Him,
their fore-essence and fore-source.
What are all the things on the earth
and the moon except the sun in stories?
Truly, in this way
all visible and invisible creation
is the Ultimate Man in stories.

Wind Swept Salt Grass, Cape San Blas, Fl

Essence is simple,
but there is no end or number
to the stories about essence.
My neighbors, how can I tell you about essence,
when you do not even understand stories.
Ah if you only knew how great the sweetness,
the expanse, and the strength are,
when one reaches the bottom of all the stories—there,
where the stories begin and where they end.
There, where the tongue is silent
and where everything is told at once!
How boring all the lengthy
and tedious stories of creatures become then!
Truly, they become just as boring
as it is for one who is accustomed
to seeing lightning to hear stories about lightning.

Evening Seas Sunset over the Gulf Panama City Beach FL

Receive me into Yourself,
O Only-Begotten Son,
so that I may be one with You
as I was before creation and the fall.
Let my long and weary story about You end
with a moment’s vision of You.
Let my self-deception die,
that would have me think that I am something without You,
that I am something else outside of You.
My ears are stuffed with stories.
My eyes no longer seek to see
any display of clothing but You,
my essence, overladen with stories and clothing.

from Prayers by the Lake

by St Nikolai Velimirovic

with a hat tip to The Handmaid at Christ is in our Midst

The Anchor That Holds You

2009-06-29T09:28:00.000-05:00

the anchor that held me, my newly forming Christian faith nurtured in the hothouse of Hosanna Calvary Chapel Bellflower California

How do we sink into hopelessness? A thousand ways. It can be one terrible event or a cascade of sorrows. We’re knocked off balance, then taken down too far to just get back up. It’s not that you don’t want to climb out of it, it’s that you feel helpless to act, you can’t figure out how to get past a loss, how to get back on top of your life.
Jennifer Hansen
Heart and Soul June 20, 2009

I held the brightly painted cup in my hand, the flowers of spring... tulips, hydrangeas and hyacinths decorated the pretty breakfast bowls and plates. A set of two, for a pair of newlyweds, that never celebrated the intimate breakfast times I envisioned. A wedding gift from a lady I came to know well, a lady I resemble now more than ever... I shed a tear for her, and for all of the lost dreams, as I quickly packed the dishes into the for sale box.

I dont think I ever understood her, as she lived her contrary life, at least to the way of thinking for the rest of the residents of Midway street. Originally from the Northeast she came to California to work in aerospace. She had a lucrative position with McDonald Douglas, and was making six figures...

She took her savings and money from her inheritance and bought tiny house on Midway street. She planted all sorts of growing things, and lived to herself...

One day the job went away, her savings lost in the dot come bust. She was a college grad, but couldn't get a interview..she had made too much money, was too eccentric, hated kids, so no teaching...She borrowed against her house to make needed repairs and to feed herself... months went by, years went by, until the money ran out.

The bank took a long time to foreclose and evict her. She held sales of her family antiques and I bought a few pieces, which I have enjoyed... some I am selling next month in my own sale to help defer my living expenses.

Barbara had no family left and we worried about where she would end up living. My little house had no extra space at 689 square feet. Most of the other had several kids, one had three generations under a small roof...

As we were having the neighborhood meeting, we failed to notice a shadowy figure leave a house that was known to the neighbor kids as the "haunted" house where the scary man lived... the scary man was Robert, once an engineer at Boeing, he had a Bi Polar episode that was so severe he was declared disabled. He gave up his apartment and moved into the desolate house that had stood vacant for the many years after his mother's death. He left the house to ride his bike to the market once in a while, go to the doctor on dial a ride or Barbara would take him...

Tattered and disheveled, he knocked on Barbara's door. The next thing you know Barbara is walking around to the overgrown gate pushing in to flatten the weeds and they went to the back. Behind the house was a large attached semi finished sun room. a small bathroom and outlets for electric were already there and required a touch of work to make them functional. Bob offered her the room, rent and utility free, in exchange for a bit of yard work... She needed a home... He needed the comfort of having a friend...we certainly had shamefully not extended our hands to him, but we did now. We neighbors pitched in, patched the roof, renovated the bootlegged bathroom. I donated fabrics, blankets and a large roll of used carpet that covered the cement slab. Barbara cleared the brush and weeds, and we all took plants from her gardens and transplanted them all over the neighborhood, and in Robert's yards. She also planted a large vegetable garden that helped to feed them both.

Barbara eventually became a perpetual student. She got grants and student jobs that helped to pay tuition and kept gas in her pick up truck. She would pick up part time work in the college library. Truthfully she thrived in the new situation with the release of her house and the academic environment. Robert came out more and joined in the gatherings of the local menfolk on Steve's driveway in the evenings... clean shaven and patched clothing courtesy of Barbara. Like a pair of cranky siblings they shared the house... Ten years later they were still in this arrangement as far as I know.

Barbara had the Anchor of Community to help her beat despair. I had two other friends that at the same time went through similar situations one a friend at Hosanna, who struggled with mental illness, lost her aerospace job and then her home. She became a student, a boarder in one home after another, then she was able to get a few small jobs, and lived alone for a short time. A few months ago she emailed me. Life in California had become too hard financially so she moved to Nebraska, to tend an elderly aunt and lives with her.

Another friend who has had a nearly two decade struggle with employment problems health problems and a very difficult life. We dated on and off for a time...He was brilliant, a former sound engineer with A&M, and RCA, a graphic artist that repaired backdrops for the movie industry, as well as ties to aerospace, which is what he was doing when we were together. He too was hopelessly eccentric, uber conservative ...we'd have verbal knock down drag outs over topics like speaking in tongues, eternal security and previenient grace. We desided we were unequally yoked dispensationally, and remained friends...He actually attended Woody's and my wedding. Once they closed the now infamous "skunkworks" in the San Fernando Valley, K. never had work in aerospace again. He worked odd jobs, sold things, and was badly injured in an accident. His injuries untreated because he had no health insurance.

He now lives in Death Valley with a long time roommate, in a home they bought for 4000.00 off ebay....Both men never married and are now retiree age and painfully disabled.. these three people have God as their anchor...I never understood their pain, their inability to cope, but I do now. And I am sorry that I failed to reach out to them when they needed me

I have hopes of finding work even still...I haven't given up hope. I too have an anchor that holds me...the understanding that God loves me, and will withhold no good thing from me, I just need to pray, trust, and go forth seeking the will of God... He is the anchor that holds me in the middle of the storms of life, and will be the Steersman that brings me home

Will your anchor hold in the storms of life,
When the clouds unfold their wings of strife?
When the strong tides lift and the cables strain,
Will your anchor drift, or firm remain?

We have an anchor that keeps the soul
Steadfast and sure while the billows roll,
Fastened to the Rock which cannot move,
Grounded firm and deep in the Savior’s love.

It is safely moored, ’twill the storm withstand,
For ’tis well secured by the Savior’s hand;
And the cables, passed from His heart to mine,
Can defy that blast, thro’ strength divine.

Priscilla Owens, 1882

Isaiah 55- Streams In The Desert

2009-06-28T07:09:00.002-05:00

Summer Stream, Little Sugar Creek, near Bella Vista AR

“Come, everyone who thirsts,
come to the waters;
and he who has no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without price.
Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread,
and your labor for that which does not satisfy?
Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good,
and delight yourselves in rich food.
Incline your ear, and come to me;
hear, that your soul may live;
and I will make with you an everlasting covenant,
my steadfast, sure love for David.
Behold, I made him a witness to the peoples,
a leader and commander for the peoples.
Behold, you shall call a nation that you do not know,
and a nation that did not know you shall run to you,
because of the Lord your God, and of the Holy One of Israel,
for he has glorified you.

“Seek the Lord while he may be found;
call upon him while he is near;
let the wicked forsake his way,
and the unrighteous man his thoughts;
let him return to the Lord, that he may have compassion on him,
and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven
and do not return there but water the earth,
making it bring forth and sprout,
giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;
it shall not return to me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,
and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.

“For you shall go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and the hills before you
shall break forth into singing,
and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress;
instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle;
and it shall make a name for the Lord,
an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.”

The Man In The Shattered Mirror

2009-06-25T17:29:00.005-05:00

Butterfly free...The Butterfly Farm Branson MO

I don't write much about celebrity, as I have had a life times fill of it... I have known a few individuals personally over the years, was privileged to have known a famous brother and sister duo who grew up in our town and were launched to stardom by my music instructor (I dont say who they were because their very name is copyrighted and I do not have permission to use it in any way)The tragic death of the sister was flat out due to her inability to cope with the increasing pressure of celebrity... She acted out to try to deal with the stress and it killed her. I was 17 and her death haunted me and my friends as we considered music as a career path. My circle knew that none of us were "all that" and became wives, accountants, teachers,engineers and artists of other kinds.... But as far as I know most of us still love music and remember school girl dreams

As I wrote in June of 05, of Michael Jackson I thought then that he wouldn't live to see his children grow up. How sad that his life was so messed up. Yes he did a lot of it to himself but he was also disturbed, troubled by a horrible upbringing and lots of abuse.

His music was the soundtrack to my young adult life and often when I think about that time I hear tracks from "Thriller" in my head. Michael Jackson had an amazing talent. No matter what this is true. Noone had ever done the things that he did and he changed popular music forever...

As consumers of the art of these performers we forget the human side, and how God loves them too and perhaps the broad road of pop icondom is the hardest one to overcome, to come to a place of saving Grace... My prayer is that God would have mercy on his soul, and that we as Christians insted of blindly condeming what we see in the media, that we would stop and pray for these people that they would see beyond the blinding glare of fame, and know that without God nothing in this life is worth having...That life is short and fame even more fleeting, only with the help of God can one be strong enough to endure in the face of the pressures of public life. Or else you end up like The Man in the Mirror, a shattered life a shattered dream a promise unfofilled, talent wasted and ultimatly eternity alone... no amount of fame is worth that

Moments of Maybe

2009-06-23T07:45:00.000-05:00

My little house on Midway street Bellflower CA, since selling this house in 2001 I feel like I have been a vagabond, living out of a suitcase and a packing box...not finding a place of stability.

....Now we are being asked
to begin a journey
in which we have become comfortable...

Sometimes I wish God would just...
....stop doing this!...

I have a favorite chair...
My furniture fits in this house...
My dogs are familiar in this place...
I know how to find the things that I lose....
But... here we go again...

Then,
Somewhere
in the midst of all of
all of the mind numbing flurry
a remembered whisper

"Your favorite chair can be moved
and still be just as comfortable
You home is only a home
because I Am there.

Where do you think I Am going?

Being known is a matter of connection
not time or geography
And as for things lost...
Aren't they always?
When have I failed to find you?"

So...
May we begin this adventure.
I promise to hold on to you
if you will hold onto me
Let us give thanks together
For God, through Jesus Christ
has held us and will hold us forever!

from the unpublished poem "Re Appointment"
by Rev Sara Bainbridge, 2009

It seems that many of us are in the midst of change, I hear this from people I meet in the grocery store, and on temporary jobs and interviews. Between the economic changes due to reductions in income, job changes and enviromental shifts... as things deteriorate economically, for example because homes are foreclosed on your block your own house doesn't sell and you lose it and have to move... or a company closes and this has trickle down effects...

Friends of mine are expecting new babies, or are caring for parents with Alzheimer's... Some are taking family members in because they need a home, and others are giving up their homes, because they can no longer afford to live on their own, or cannot manage the home they have for some other reason.

My situation hasnt changed. I had a glimmer of hope that I had finally landed a job... really a dream job. I had had four interviews..passed the credit checks, a man had flown in for Kansas City to interview me and was enthralled at my story of building my jewelry store in the hostile economic climate of Hawaii. For this Jewery Executive it was his dream lived out... He wanted me on his best team... in the store in Fayetteville.

But the sales numbers for May were not up to par and his goal of expanding the sales force to increase the sales from 2 million to 2.35 million in this mall store were not justified. My hire got shot down by the numbers and people above my and Steve the distric manager's paygrade... I was devestated.

So I called my landlord, who is very sympathetic, but this situation is difficult and if I dont have a source of income by this time next month, he is going to put the home back on the market. I gathered that I would be allowed to stay until it sold but then I would need to get out... The problem with this is that I have to keep the utilities on and frankly I cant afford it...if I were working this wouldnt be an issue, but then I would be staying on at the cottage... as it stands I am going to have to be out soon, or employed...

I have temp work for this week. The pay is low but it will fill my tank and pay the phone bill this month. I worked for FREE last week for a day at one of the best transportation firms in the country... their home office is here in Springdale. It was in the Carrier Compliance dept, and I was taking faxes of Certificates of Authority and insurance binders, and updating carrier data. This is very important to keep updated because should coverage be canceled, and they use this carrier by accident and there is an accident, no insurance, and the company is in deep trouble. It was boring and well, not nice work, but I was glad to be there and show them that I was efficient and knowledgeable. While there I was interviewed by two managers who said that should they have a slot I would be considered ... They are still on hiring freeze and will be for 60 days but this gift of helping out was a seed sown. If I could go to work for these folks I could retire at this company...they are that amazingly great. But in the near term I have not too much lined up....

Several housing solutions are still under discussion I know that God will make a way for me. I am going through all of my stuff with ruthless abandon, hopeing and praying that God will send buyers for my things when I have my sale in July. I received a report from Woody that we have a pending offer on our home, I wont see any cash from that but it will be a load off of my credit report... no more late payments on that loan...

In these "moments of maybe", an expression my pastor used this week to describe the what ifs of life... These What should I do's of ordinary time...I sit and wonder. I love my home, but should I fight to keep it...Hasnt fighting gotten me to this place of penury. Pushing God to do what I want? I dont know I wonder sometimes but in truth, I am in this wilderness so I can learn to trust God with ALL of my heart. My friends with spare rooms and open hearts havent forgotten me and neither has God... So I will wait.

Another thing I am pondering. God made me just to love me, and for me to love Him in return. He will with hold no good thing. I must hang on to that as I ponder being in the "midst of maybe" myself... New doors will be opening. I must be ready to cross over the thresholds

Peartree Cottage swathed in Summer Green Bella Vista AR

True Friendship

2009-06-22T00:18:00.000-05:00

The empty pulpit First United Methodist Church, Bella Vista AR

"A friend is you needs answered"... Kahlil Gibran

I found this wonderful quote a while back, which I think sums up the feelings of many in my church at the departure of our Pastor and friend, David. We wish him and his family well in their new appointment, and will miss them terribly... A sermon seemed an appropriate send off even though it was written 700 years ago, by one of Italy's great preachers of the day, Blessed Simon Fidati, of Cascia...

"A friend comes to the rescue in time of need,and if he is aware of the truth of friendship, he directs his friend just as if he were himself and puts his own members at his disposal if he has lost his. A true friend is better than a treasure, for he is not vulnerable to thieves and robbers. A friend is a lighted coal, and if placed beside it, it can rekindle a dead one. A true friend gives more attention to friendship than to the person that he is disposed to be friendly. For indeed, the person often disappoints, but the friendship is always the same. If a friend looks on a friend as the highest cause of friendship, he never can bring about a separation, even thought the person's bad behavior had deserved it, but he will wait for an improvement, or when the wrong doing merits it, for a suppression.

A true friend is a vehicle upon which the mind of the other friend invisibly carries,
and the friend is carried, and it is remarkable to see how from the two of them there emerge two who carry and two who are carried. Christian friendship, which alone indeed is true, is a glorious crown of good deeds and gives trust in life, a protection and a staff supporting even those who have shown weakness, a sure refuge, a haven from the seas, release from prison, freedom from slavery, an invaluable abode of divine protection, a tower of safety, a vineyard of joy, an ever fertile field, a pleasure garden of consolation, a repository of perfumes, a full storehouse, a apiary of honey... a mirror of brightness and an intellectual vision, a bride by one's side whom the comfort's of life are shared, a pious mother, an obliging attendant, a ready handmaid, a convenient body guard, a favorable bathing place, a spring of living water, an unsleeping guard against evil, prudence in the midst of good...

a bond with life...

Christian friendship is very broad in its generality, for it is extended to all without exception or distinction, and with those with whom one cannot share one's life along the way one hopes rather to achieve this in the fatherland of heaven. One can move in this direction also though certain knowledge and frequent communication or through outstanding virtue, because virtue itself is indeed only another name for that which is the greatest of the virtues, that is love. But what is true friendship if not Christian love? For if true friendship is exchanged between God and us, between human beings and angels, between human beings and human beings, true friendship then is love.

Godspeed my friend, and don't be a stranger.. our eyes already hunger for your face...

1 Peter 5:1-11 Departing Thoughts To A Faithful Shepard

2009-06-21T09:30:00.000-05:00

The Outdoor Chapel Mt Sequoyah United Mehodist Conference Center Fayetteville AR

Shepherd the Flock of God

So I exhort the elders among you, as a fellow elder and a witness of the sufferings of Christ, as well as a partaker in the glory that is going to be revealed: shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly; not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock. And when the chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the unfading crown of glory. Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you,casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.

Prayer of a Common Man

2009-06-10T07:34:00.001-05:00

Final resting place... Church of the Holy Cross, Holy Cross KY

Daddy put in his forty years,
got his gold watch,
and then they sent him home.
I never knew what a struggle was like
until I cried tears on his stone.
He was just a cog in their wheel
lived and died on the layaway plan.
But Lord hear the prayer of a Common Man.

Alleluia.
Is anybody out there?
Alleluia
Does anybody care?
Life takes its toll on the heart and soul,
but I’m doing the best I can.
Lord hear the prayer of a Common Man.

A little girl needed braces bad
and it cost a couple thousand bucks.
She has a beautiful smile
but it’ll be awhile on my new
used pickup truck.
This house of cards I built
is mortgaged to the hilt
and its sinking in the sand.
Lord hear the prayer of a Common Man.

Alleluia.
Is anybody out there?
Alleluia
Does anybody care?
Life takes its toll
on the heart and soul,
but I’m doing the best I can.
Lord hear the prayer of a Common Man.

I’m not looking for charity,
I just need some clarity.
I’ve got people counting on me.
And I’m tired that’s all
I’m up against the wall.
Lord hear me when I call.

Alleluia.
I know your up there.
Alleluia.
I know you care.
Life takes its toll
on the heart and soul,
but I’m doing the best I can.
Oh Lord hear the prayer of a Common Man.
Lord hear the prayer of this Common Man.
Phil Vassar

I am constantly reminded that I am not alone in my quest for stability, both personal and financial. The whole country seems to be in a mode of anxiety, and concern. I cannot remember the 70's being this crazy as the Recession and Inflation cycles made life so very difficult for many people then. There were plant closings and runaway inflation, high interest rates, and taxes... There were a lot of poor people, and even more now. Many of these people were the ones screaming for "Change".... Well we have change for the worst, and for so many like myself, where the funds are running low, the frustration level is enormous. I wonder if we will see the riots and upsets that go on in other countries... but perhaps I am off there. My friend Norma, at the blog Collecting my Thoughts has a great post on this subject... I try to limit my news watching and newspaper reading, because the spin doctors are working as hard as they can to ratchet up fear so that the Powers That Be can do as they will. For the life of me I cannot understand how the Governmentcan just buy and sell businesses, tell businesses how to run themselves and how without any oversight by lawmakers all of this takes place... I am not an expert in any of this. Frankly I don't think there are any experts in the house running things...

We are like those in the Old Testament, all doing whats right in our own eyes..., and we have for a long time,We stopped living as or forefathers did, in a Godly fashion and have taken for granted the blessings given to us by God. While things are good, this is thought to be OK, but now that things are not so good we want a King to rule over us, just as Israel did, years ago. Read....

Fist Samuel Chapter 8

Israel Demands a King
1When Samuel became old, he made his sons judges over Israel.2The name of his firstborn son was Joel, and the name of his second, Abijah; they were judges in Beersheba.3Yet his sons did not walk in his ways but turned aside after gain. They took bribes and perverted justice.

4Then all the elders of Israel gathered together and came to Samuel at Ramah5and said to him, “Behold, you are old and your sons do not walk in your ways. Now appoint for us a king to judge us like all the nations.”6But the thing displeased Samuel when they said, “Give us a king to judge us.” And Samuel prayed to the Lord.7And the Lord said to Samuel, “Obey the voice of the people in all that they say to you, for they have not rejected you, but they have rejected me from being king over them.8According to all the deeds that they have done, from the day I brought them up out of Egypt even to this day, forsaking me and serving other gods, so they are also doing to you.9Now then, obey their voice; only you shall solemnly warn them and show them the ways of the king who shall reign over them.”

Samuel's Warning Against Kings
10So Samuel told all the words of the Lord to the people who were asking for a king from him.11He said, “These will be the ways of the king who will reign over you: he will take your sons and appoint them to his chariots and to be his horsemen and to run before his chariots.12And he will appoint for himself commanders of thousands and commanders of fifties, and some to plow his ground and to reap his harvest, and to make his implements of war and the equipment of his chariots.13He will take your daughters to be perfumers and cooks and bakers.14He will take the best of your fields and vineyards and olive orchards and give them to his servants.15He will take the tenth of your grain and of your vineyards and give it to his officers and to his servants.16He will take your male servants and female servants and the best of your young men [fn1] and your donkeys, and put them to his work.17He will take the tenth of your flocks, and you shall be his slaves.18And in that day you will cry out because of your king, whom you have chosen for yourselves, but the Lord will not answer you in that day.”

The Lord Grants Israel's Request
19But the people refused to obey the voice of Samuel. And they said, “No! But there shall be a king over us,20that we also may be like all the nations, and that our king may judge us and go out before us and fight our battles.”21And when Samuel had heard all the words of the people, he repeated them in the ears of the Lord.22And the Lord said to Samuel, “Obey their voice and make them a king.” Samuel then said to the men of Israel, “Go every man to his city.”

We will be like all of the other nations, living in a Socialized, nationalized over taxed and nanny stated suffocation. We will be enslaved to the government in many ways. While I resent the excessive intrusion we have seen in recent days, I am a supporter of change in the healthcare system, and going to a flat consumption tax so that everyone pays a fair share. But I have a real problem with the nationalization of industry, the banking system and agriculture ( a reality since the farm subsidy programs were put into place back in the 30's) but it is not up to me, or to a single party... it is not something we can change without a radical change of thinking among all people in our country. The fruits of the labors of many Americans are not adequate to pay for basics of housing medical care and retirement costs. Solutions will have to be sought for those who work hard but are beggared by a medical emergency costs. A flat tax would bring in enough resouces to pay for the programs that will provide a safety net for those that are trying to take care of themselves.

I meet more and more people in this long strange journey that I am currently on. People that are really trying to be self sustaining and not taking advantage of the system. People like myself that are looking for work, but dont have unemployment due to loopholes in the rules, or other factors. People like me that need some assistance to keep gas in the tank and the phone on, so they can seek employment. Getting food from food pantries is a great blessing but I have an abundance of good food to eat, what I need is a stipend so I can keep my internet on. Many countries provide a small living allowence to everyone who needs it. I think we need that here in the US as well.

We need to start caring about the common man, not about corporate executives who ran their corporations into the ground, or bloated institutions that have long ceased caring for its customers, employees or shareholders...

On a positive note, the news ran stories about families taking in the chiildren of other church members so that the kids would stay out of foster care...and closer to home, families taking in out of work singles and couples to keep them off the streets. I have several people thinking about the logistics of this sort of situation for me. I have a number of promising leads working with regards to employment, sadly none of them will pay enough for me to keep the cottage even to rent it at the current price, let alone buy it.

I will take any job that I am offered. I know that whatever God provides for me will be enough for me...its up to me to find a way to live on that amount. It seems to be the way of the world these days...the way of the common man

Psalm 50~ Let Me Praise The Living God

2009-06-07T08:14:00.005-05:00

Stormy Pastures Near Centerton AR

The Mighty One, God the Lord,
speaks and summons the earth
from the rising of the sun to its setting.
Out of Zion, the perfection of beauty,
God shines forth.

Our God comes; he does not keep silence;
before him is a devouring fire,
around him a mighty tempest.
He calls to the heavens above
and to the earth, that he may judge his people:
“Gather to me my faithful ones,
who made a covenant with me by sacrifice!”
The heavens declare his righteousness,
for God himself is judge! Selah

“Hear, O my people, and I will speak;
O Israel, I will testify against you.
I am God, your God.8Not for your sacrifices do I rebuke you;
your burnt offerings are continually before me.
I will not accept a bull from your house
or goats from your folds.
For every beast of the forest is mine,
the cattle on a thousand hills.
I know all the birds of the hills,
and all that moves in the field is mine.

“If I were hungry, I would not tell you,
for the world and its fullness are mine.
Do I eat the flesh of bulls
or drink the blood of goats?
Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving,
and perform your vows to the Most High,
and call upon me in the day of trouble;
I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me.”

But to the wicked God says:
“What right have you to recite my statutes
or take my covenant on your lips?
For you hate discipline,
and you cast my words behind you.
If you see a thief, you are pleased with him,
and you keep company with adulterers.

“You give your mouth free rein for evil,
and your tongue frames deceit.
You sit and speak against your brother;
you slander your own mother's son.
These things you have done, and I have been silent;
you thought that I was one like yourself.
But now I rebuke you and lay the charge before you.

“Mark this, then, you who forget God,
lest I tear you apart, and there be none to deliver!
The one who offers thanksgiving as his sacrifice glorifies me;
to one who orders his way rightly
I will show the salvation of God!”

Living in Fourth Day

2009-06-05T08:05:00.002-05:00

Spring Rainbow Centerton AR

The message of the First Day on The Walk to Emmaus was the Grace of God, each Talk, while focusing on different themes, helped you understand how God's Grace works and how you could be a more fruitful person by opening yourself up to God's grace.

The Second Day is is often called the Jesus Day. Jesus is presented as a model for your life and living, through the various talks and acts of Agape. You are invited at that point to make a deeper commitment to Him.

The Third Day or the Sending Forth Day You are challenged to adopt the the vocation as a Christian, to be Christ in the World, through the adoption of various practices disciplines and commitments to a life of piety and devotion, persevering in that life until we are united with Him eternally.

Until then, we live in Fourth Day... It is the journey of faith that continues the rest of one's life. It is the living out of what it means to be a disciple and follower of Jesus. It is about being real, being accountable and being willing to trust Him in all things...

Drawn from the book "Day Four... The Pilgrim's Continued Journey", by Robert Wood Chapter four "The Message of Emmaus"...

Pastor David..."So Hoku, where are you living now?"
Hokulea... "I'm living in Fourthday..."
Pastor David..."Thats a great answer..." he gave me a weak, weary smile, turned and walked away to his vacated office...

I am being called brave, courageous, a living saint even... I kid you not, but really all I am is a very frightened woman, who has been in some very bad spots at times in her life, but the one she is in now is pretty darn bad. But the truth is, I cant stay long faced for too long, it causes me to get wrinkles that are un needed and unwanted.... Staying down leads to a negative energy that will ruin any chance that I have to turn my life around. Even though things are as bad as I have ever had in my life... I need to smile and be glad for what I do have.

I have my health. People say I never looked better. I have my sobriety. I dont talk much about it because I was never a true alchoholic or addict, but rather I made a chioce that these things were not for me and I choose daily to live, feel and experience pain rather than numb it with addiction... I have a great home that I really want to hang onto. I have my Abigail... the cutest little mutt-let a gal could ever want. I have a good vehicle, skills in demand. I have opportunities I can at least apply for. I had lady call me to help her and is paying me by the hour, another gal got wind of a part time job that while doesnt pay much, exposes me to the sorts of people that may have a need for a person on their staff. Agencies are aware of the need to get me something and resumes are out there... I have a huge number... hundreds of people praying for me, and dozens of people who have committed to being there for me. I am obligated to call anyone of them if I feel too overwhelmed...and yes it it pretty overwhelming at times...

I know that if I dont get work soon I must make some very hard choices, some that might be pretty disagreeable, but I need to do it. I am holding out hope that I will get some work and that I will get to stay on here. In the mean time I am cleaning out, throwing out and selling items Im not using....Im getting ready for a move...and if I dont need to move, my load is lighter and my purse is fuller.

Should I get work it will postpone moving, but not take it off of the table until I feel secure in that position. This could be a while considering how things are in this world. I may need to move into a cheaper abode no matter what.

But until I know anything I will try my best to stay in Fourth day. That means not being overly concerned about the future... Plan yes but dont obsess...cry yes but get up and do something. Tell people what your needs are so they can gain the blessing of helping you, but tell Jesus as well... Prayer, the Word and worship... I sing all of the time, pray all of the time, and want to put God in charge of everything that I do...

When its all said and done... Wither I look back on this while living in NW Arkansas Texas or wherever, I will praise God for bringing me through... In my house, or living in a new place, living with friends or my family... I know that God is with me and has not left me. I write this to remind myself of this true thing. Yes there will be down days, days that feel hopeless, depressing days... But there are also ecstatic days, days full of promise and days filled with hope... I laugh a lot, hug the puppy and hope that the next phone call will be the one I have been waiting for...

Keep praying people... something is about to happen I just feel it...

De Colores!