Short Bio~Hokule'a Kealoha is the Nom De Plume of a writer that formerly lived in Hawaii and is now living a life of adventure on the highways and byways of the American South . I am a Born Again follower of Jesus, as well as a wife, mother of cats and dogs,jeweler, entreprenuer, photographer and pilgrim...
Age~ Old enough to know better
Status~ Newly Single after 13 years of marriage,fur mom to the loving and devoted mini ShihTzu doggie Annabelle, born 6-11-2007 RIP 2-25-09, and the beautiful Abigail born 2-14-09
Hair Color~ natural brown/grey
Mood~ I ALWAYS have a mood, try me...
Loving~ Jesus, Hawaii, my furry friend, Abigail, my Pen Pals, Jewelry ,Blogging ,Writing anything,my Ipod,and being outdoors surrounded by my wonderful natural surroundings
1 Thessalonians 3:12- 4:2 Grow In Love, Which is Pleasing To God
Towering Oaks near Centerton AR
May the Lord make you increase and abound in love for one another and for all, as we do for you,13so that he may establish your hearts blameless in holiness before our God and Father, at the coming of our Lord Jesus with all his saints.
Finally, then, brothers, we ask and urge you in the Lord Jesus, that as you received from us how you ought to live and to please God, just as you are doing, that you do so more and more.
For the fruits of His creation Thanks be to God For the gifts to every nations, Thanks be to God For the ploughing, sowing reaping Silent growth while men are sleeping Future needs in earth's safe keeping Thanks be to God
Flying the Colors Bella Vista AR
In the just reward of labor God's will is done In the help we give our neighbor God's will is done In our world wide task of caring For the hungry and desparing In the harvests we are sharing Gods will is done
Antique Quilts for sale Bentonville AR
For the harvests of His Spirit Thanks be to God For the good all men inherit Thanks be to God For the wonders that astound us for the truths that still confound us Most of all that love has found us Thanks be to God
James Quinn SJ
From the "Shorter Morning and Evening Prayer" a Psalter of the Liturgy of the Hours Liturgical Press Collegeville Minnesota
my view of my "back forty" and Hawksnest Ravine..Peartree Cottage Metfield Bella Vista Ar
Lord, You take care of the earth
and send rain
to help the soil
grow all kinds of crops.
Your rivers never run dry,
and you prepare the earth
to produce much grain.
You water all of its fields
and level the lumpy ground.
You send showers of rain
to soften the soil
and help the plants sprout.
Wherever your footsteps
touch the earth,
a rich harvest is gathered.
from Psalm 65
It was a beautiful "Indian Summer", for us in the Ozarks. Much of the time, October and November was warm and sunny with some of the most beautiful autumn leaves the locals can remember. The mild temperatures allowed for people to get out to the local craft fairs and harvest gatherings. I found myself drawn out to the bench to spend time in prayer before going into work... But as the month draws to a close and Thanksgiving time is here its cooled off and we may even have some snow flurries in the next few days...We are staying inside mmore and more our of the damp and chill in the mornings
We are doing fine. Im sorry for the long time between posts, but my life is somewhat ruetine, hard to talk about, and my hands are killing me from my Carpal Tunnel, so typing is very difficult...and frankly, most evenings I just want to sit in the quiet of my house with my doggie and my prayer book and be still for a bit, and not even try to think about anything
I can hardly believe it but friday ends my 10th week at Walmart.com. all of the hard work and training is about to be put to the test as we enter the notorious "Black Friday" on 11-27 (called black friday because this national day of shopping is the first day for many retailers that they show a profit or "go into the black" for the year. Not so for Walmart, but that is another story. The company has got a no holds barred approach to this years sales and we expect orders to 5 to 8 times higher than on an avarage day. Already there is a push higher and I have been working 10-12 hour days. Black friday will be an 18 hour day as well as its sister "Cyber Monday" the biggest internet shopping day, on 11-30. If you want a deal on electronic stuff this will be the day. The flat screen tvs are so cheap stores are buying them to resell in their stores...thats cheap.
Through it all there has been much testing of my faith. I went into this thinking that maybe this is it...I will get to stay here and work. Its a good job, I am close to home and its casual dress. People are very kind, even my brash young supervisor, who many people find annoying I see his good heart, and we all had to grow up at our own pace. He has been long suffering with me as well...
But the truth is, its likely that once the Christmas rush is over, I will be thanked and sent on my way. I am looking diligently for another position, and can apply at Walmart now and will. But I think it is going to be a long cold winter for me and I need to prepare for it. Im saving every dime of over time and paying utility bills and my car insurance ahead. I cant have a savings account as I am going to try to get on public assistance again once this job is over...I also should qualify for unemployment and will apply for that.
My garden Angel among the glowing dogwood leaves..
Nearly all of my creditors have me in collections and I know one lawyer in town has 4 accounts of mine. I am looking for a lawyer of my own and once I am working again I will file for bankruptcy. I have nothing, own nothing of value, and frankly I am ready for a fresh start and an end to the 50 calls a day from bill collectors some of whom arent even my bills... I hate it. I hate being a deadbeat, but there is no talking to these people, and its almost like they are forcing me to do this, rather than waiting so I can pay them off. One credit card jacked my intrest up to 39.95 percent, That is so unbelieveable...it has got to be illegal. The amount I owe is going up so fast I will never see daylight...
On a bighter note, my landlord contacted me and things are going to stay the same for the time being. He wants me in the house I want to be in the house and I am very content here
I have no holiday plans I am working half days Thanksgiving Day, the saturday and sunday of the weekend 4 to 6 hours I dont get holiday pay so having this keeps me stable as far as my 40 hours goes. I bought a turkey and some trimmings but will likely cook it next tuesday when Im set to have a full day off likely it too will be a half day... I could get used to that...
Sunday 11-29 is my Rite of Acceptance at St Steven Church. I have not been attending RCIA class but Msgr Marcusk has these lovely cds for me to listen to Im not going to "miss the bus" to Catholic Land this year. no matter what. I am very glad to have found this church and look forward to learning and growing. I also have taken up praying the liturgy of the hours morning and night. That is amazing, and powerful I feel a renewed stiring of Gods presence in my life.
This is my favorite holiday season of the year, its a time of reflection. While I have had a very rough year, I have few regrets for this path I am on. I know deep down in my heart that it is a time of refinement...a time that God is using to refocus me back to the type of life I had before Woody and the illusional life we had. Sometimes it seems like a dream. This now is the reality. The truth is that we have very little control over our destiny...Like a seed planted in the ground, it is God that controls our prosperity or our want. Our responsibility is to choose to do our best everyday and trust Him for our futures. We can plan, sceme, save, work, but like the seed in the ground we cant necessary make it grow, only God gives the increase.
And so it goes...thank you one and all for your prayers and concern. Please keep me in your thoughts as I gather in a harvest of provision. You are a blessing to me...
It is good to give thanks to the Lord, to sing praises to your name, O Most High; to declare your steadfast love in the morning, and your faithfulness by night, to the music of the lute and the harp, to the melody of the lyre. For you, O Lord, have made me glad by your work; at the works of your hands I sing for joy.
How great are your works, O Lord! Your thoughts are very deep! The stupid man cannot know; the fool cannot understand this: that though the wicked sprout like grass and all evildoers flourish, they are doomed to destruction forever; but you, O Lord, are on high forever. For behold, your enemies, O Lord, for behold, your enemies shall perish; all evildoers shall be scattered.
But you have exalted my horn like that of the wild ox; you have poured over me fresh oil. My eyes have seen the downfall of my enemies; my ears have heard the doom of my evil assailants.
The righteous flourish like the palm tree and grow like a cedar in Lebanon. They are planted in the house of the Lord; they flourish in the courts of our God. They still bear fruit in old age; they are ever full of sap and green, to declare that the Lord is upright; he is my rock, and there is no unrighteousness in him.
Wisdom 7:21-8:1-The Incomperableness Of Godly Wisdom
Hawaii Skies Taken on the grounds of the Polynesian Cultural Center Laie Oahu Hawaii
And now I understand everything, hidden or visible, for Wisdom, the designer of all things, has instructed me. For within her is a spirit intelligent, holy, unique, manifold, subtle, mobile, incisive, unsullied, lucid, invulnerable, benevolent, shrewd, irresistible, beneficent, friendly to human beings, steadfast, dependable, unperturbed, almighty, all-surveying, penetrating all intelligent, pure and most subtle spirits. For Wisdom is quicker to move than any motion; she is so pure, she pervades and permeates all things. She is a breath of the power of God, pure emanation of the glory of the Almighty; so nothing impure can find its way into her. For she is a reflection of the eternal light, untarnished mirror of God's active power, and image of his goodness. Although she is alone, she can do everything; herself unchanging, she renews the world, and, generation after generation, passing into holy souls, she makes them into God's friends and prophets; for God loves only those who dwell with Wisdom. She is indeed more splendid than the sun, she outshines all the constellations; compared with light, she takes first place, for light must yield to night, but against Wisdom evil cannot prevail
Strongly she reaches from one end of the world to the other and she governs the whole world for its good.
Tribute To The Fallen Memorial to the victims of the Ft. Hood massacre, and all veterans. St. Steven Church Bentonville AR
Day is done, but love unfailing Dwells ever here; Shadows fall, but hope, prevailing Calms every fear Loving Father, none forsaking Take our hearts, of Love's own making Watch our sleeping, guard our waking... Be always near.
Dark descends, but Light Unending Shines through our night; You are with us, ever lending New strength to sight One in love, You truth confessing One in hope, of heavens blessing May we see, in Love's possessing Love's endless light
Eyes will close, but You, unsleeping Watch by our side Death may come, in Love's safekeeping Still we abide God of love, all evil quelling Sin forgiving, fear dispelling Stay with us,our hearts indwelling This eventide
James Quinn SJ
From the "Shorter Morning and Evening Prayer" a Psalter of the Liturgy of the Hours Liturgical Press Collegeville Minnesota
Today let us remember, that those that serve out of love of country do more than serve that country they serve the cause of peace and ultimately the cause of Christ
The Catechism of the Catholic Church
Let us not forget those that serve in the Armed Forces and their families today and everyday, May God bless them and keep them from harm.
St Martin of Tours, patron of the solider and whose feast day this is, pray for us and for those that serve in uniform today. Amen
A Hawaiian style prayer card with the Maile Lei and a photo of the young Damien at ordination
During Fr. Damien's beatification homily, Pope John Paul II said: "Holiness is not perfection according to human criteria; it is not reserved for a small number of exceptional persons. It is for everyone; it is the Lord who brings us to holiness, when we are willing to collaborate in the salvation of the world for the glory of God, despite our sin and our sometimes rebellious temperament."
"We are all called to be great saints, dont miss the opportunity" ... is one of Mother Angelica's famous quotes, and I think a valid one. We live our lives never thinking that just around the corner, is an opportunity to have a dynamic impact for Christ in our world. Many times this is caused by just going about our business doing what we are called to do. Im sure that if we interviewed those we call "saints" they wouldn't think they were anything special or did anything worth noting, but that is what we are called to do, as Blessed Mother Theresa said "doing small things with great love..." that is the secret of a life pleasing to God.
In the first Christian centuries, those proclaimed saints were usually martyrs. Nowadays, those most often venerated are men and women who in their time were great humanitarians-missionaries, builders of hospitals and schools, servants of the poor and the abandoned.
Even in this shining company, Damien stands out, as one can see from a good biography like Gavan Daws's Holy Man: Damien of Molokai. When Joseph De Veuster, a strong and devout 19-year-old, entered the Congregation of the Sacred Hearts of Jesus and Mary in Louvain, he took the name Damien. In the fall of 1863, he set sail for the Hawaiian mission and was ordained in Honolulu on May 21, 1864.
the painted church of Hawaii, South Kona Big Island of Hawaii
He then went to serve the parish mission on the southwest side of the Big Island at what is now known as Star of the Sea Painted churchThis is adjacent to the Pu'uhonua O Honaunau or City of Refugeonce the home of Hawaiian kings it had become a place for lepers to be quarantined as they were prepared to be shipped off to Molokai'i
Almost exactly nine years after he left Belgium, having volunteered for the neglected leper colony stranded on Molokai, Damien reached the island on which he would die. The settlement had a spectacular location at the foot of towering cliffs facing tropical seas, but when Damien arrived, living there was like living in a suburb of hell. No medical care, no supplies... it was as though those people had just been dumped off the ships and left to die of exposure in that deserted place.
The highest sea cliffs in the world are here on Molokai'i It was this forbidding scene that greeted the young Belgian as he prepared to do his life's work...Kalapaupa Molokai'i Hawaii
But Father Damien didn't give up. He used the resources and contacts that he had to gather assistance from the church and the public at large. Soon nursing sisters joined him and a hospital was set up. Trades were taught and workshops opened to supply needed items for the colony and to give the residents employment and hope...
He was, first of all, the people's priest--celebrating Mass for them, hearing their confessions and keeping vigil at their deathbeds. But he also transformed the colony physically as well as spiritually. the author, Gavin Daws quotes an observer who described how the young priest went to work: "A vigorous, forceful, impellant man with a generous heart in the prime of life and a jack of all trades, carpenter, mason, baker, farmer, Medico and nurse, no lazy bone in the makeup of his manhood, busy from morning till nightfall."
Photo of Fr Damien with residents of the colony unknown source
But there was much more to Damien than the social activist who could quarrel vigorously with civic and ecclesiastical bigwigs when they were slow to back improvements for the leper colony. He had an inner life that energized and sustained his outer life.
He spent the first hours of each day in prayer. Even in his final illness he slept on a straw mattress laid on the floor. And he constantly refreshed his spirit by reading the Imitation of Christ, a 15th-century treatise that was once the most popular of Catholic devotional books.
Today the Imitation is often dismissed as unsound because, on the one hand, it emphasizes austerity, humility, solitude and unremitting self-scrutiny while, on the other hand, it says nothing about the service of others and is contemptuous of secular culture.
Yet the genius of the book is proven by the way it spoke so powerfully to an ardent heart like Damien's: "Let it be our chief study to meditate on the life of Jesus Christ .... Jesus has many lovers of his heavenly kingdom, but few who are willing to bear his cross."
Damien did indeed want to help the miserable, but for a reason that went far beyond decent compassion. He went to Molokai because he knew unerringly that this was to be his way of loving and following the Christ who said: "What you do for one of these least ones, you do for me."
A view of the Kalaupapa settlement now home to one of the worlds only research centers on Hanson's disease...accessible by plane boat or mule only this is one of the most isolated places on earth Molokai'i Hawaii
On a autumn day in a city much closer to the place of his birth than that of his death, Father Damien was eulogised by Pope Benedict XVI during a service of canonization. in the audience were 11 of the last residents of the Kalaupapa Leper Colony in bright Hawaiian dress, along with heads of state, princes and priests of his order.The Holy Father said this of Blessed Damien
Father Damian, the famous apostle to the lepers, left Flanders, Belgium at the age of 23 to go on a mission to modern day Hawaii. "Not without fear and loathing," Pope Benedict underlined, "Father Damian made the choice to go on the island of Molokai in the service of lepers who were there, abandoned by all. So he exposed himself to the disease of which they suffered. With them he felt at home. The servant of the Word became a suffering servant, leper with the lepers, during the last four years of his life."
He continued, "To follow Christ, Father Damian not only left his homeland, but has also staked his health so he, as the word of Jesus announced in today's Gospel tells us, received eternal life."
The figure of Father Damian, Benedict XVI added, "teaches us to choose the good fight not those that lead to division, but those that gather us together in unity.
Turn of the Century country church Kalawao Molokai'i Hawaii
Growing into gold a tree in transition Peartree Cottage Metfield Bella vista AR
O Jesus, I want to live in the present moment to live as if this were the last day of my life
St Faustina of the Divine Mercy from her diary, portion 1183
I have been confronted by this weeks Sunday scripture...how a blind man called out to Jesus against the crowds admonitions to be silent, then risking everything, for that tattered cloak was his "home" his shelter against the elements, his only possession, he threw it aside and scrambled to Jesus... The faith demonstrated is extraordinary, for how was he going to retrieve his garment if he stayed blind?...but the blind man thought only about the moment, Jesus was in the present moment and he had the choice to got to him right away or live safe with his cloak and the regrets of what might have been...
My life has become a daily lesson in living in the moment, an intensly personal inward walk towards a destination that is beyond my understanding.I have no idea where I am going or how I will get there, or if am even going in the right direction. All I know is that I have a journey to make. God has provided provision, occupation, fellowship, and various avenues for my spritual and mental growth in this season of transition. Like the blind man I am throwing off old notions of how I should live, work, worship,and think... giving up sins that kept me blind, spiritual training that created a modern day pharisee of me insted of a true disciple that Jesus longs for me to be... living in the moment the way St. Faustina describes in her diary...the way our Lord lived His life here on earth...
I feel like my life is broken down into tiny bites, bits and peices of daily living. They dont flow into something greater they just seem to "Be"... one moment then the next moment then the next. My thought process is somewhat compartimentalized anyway so this ads to my feeling of disjointedness
My work day is very much like this... each phone call I take at the call center is a solitary moment in time...each call I make to verify a transaction, or take to answer a customers question is a singular moment. Never to be repeated in quite the same way. I am very much aware of this and that this will be the only time I touch this persons life, to never speak to them again.
....I take another call and another.."yes ma'am, there has been an order placed on our website using your credit card number ending in...." a victim of fraud answers a message one of us has left on their phone... there are varied emotions on the other end of that phone, and I am limited as to what I can say to the victim of identity theft. Limited in the consolation I can give... bound by the law and the priorities of the world's largest retailer. ... time is critical. We are working in real time and the fraudster is stealing more as we sit there talking. I hurry through the phone numbers and instructions realizing that this persons life has just been thrown into a muddle and all I can say is sorry...
but for all of that I am humbly grateful for the job, hopeful that it might turn into something more. I like it really. I feel like I am doing worthwile work. I am helping people. My shift is now more of an afternoon and evening one and that leaves me my mornings to read watch mass on EWTN spend some quality time with Miss Abigail who has grown into the cutest little love bug... A neighbor comes in late afternoon to let her out for potty and on nice days they go for a walk. There havent been many of those. Cool and wet its been now with only a handful of dry bright days. I get home early enough to have a few hours to shop on my way home, to have a small meal and if I wanted watch TV thought that has become such a low prioity that the minimal cable package...(I now only have local channels and the religious stations like EWTN , and TBN. I also get Turner movies...all for 22.00 a month pretty cheap)
Because I am working evenings I have given up Alanon, no day meetings fit, and evenings are out. I also have dropped out of RCIA for now thought I am still attending St Stephen on saturday nights. I am waiting on God to show me His will on my swim accross the Tiber.
I have begun using a Divine Office for prayer and meditation in the last month, that too chops up my day into three prayer times. As I am still a candidate to join the Brothers and Sisters of Charity, this is what they use so my times of prayer and theirs sort of come together.
I am in hopes of a change in my life wroght by this time of one foot in front of the other...that the trust in God that I sought for myself so deeply is coming to the surface. As I daily trust God for my very exisitance I am growing in my knowledge of Him and His desire that I live like this one foot in front of the other. I tell people its like being a tightrope walker if you look down to to the side you will plunge to your death.
I want to thank those who pray for me and have and are there for me constantly. I couldnt get there without your help...for those that attend worship with me that read this thank you for your love and support.
To the trolls that lurk on my site that wait a year to say anything then make condeming comments and belittle my stituation, saying "so what you deserve it because you go to wrong church..." read that passage in James about wishing your brother to "be warmed and filled" then walking away. Only the litugically based churchs seem to have the resources to help folks these trying days... I am finding more good in my daily readings and prayers than I did just reading the Bible alone...
And to those that share in my sufferings... We are a long way from seeing daylight no matter what the pundits on tv say. We are in a depression in many parts of the country. I am glad ..GLAD God has used this trial to open my eyes to the true plight of the poor. Like the blind man, I had to run to Jesus to ask for my sight, and he has shown me the pain around me. I am not alone. My sight is being restored bit by bit... I want to be able to say...Yes I can see Jesus.......
The hills are afire...autumn in the Ozarks near Bentonville AR
And they came to Jericho. And as he was leaving Jericho with his disciples and a great crowd, Bartimaeus, a blind beggar, the son of Timaeus, was sitting by the roadside.And when he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to cry out and say, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”And many rebuked him, telling him to be silent. But he cried out all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!”And Jesus stopped and said, “Call him.” And they called the blind man, saying to him, “Take heart. Get up; he is calling you.”And throwing off his cloak, he sprang up and came to Jesus.And Jesus said to him, “What do you want me to do for you?” And the blind man said to him, “Rabbi, let me recover my sight.”And Jesus said to him, “Go your way; your faith has made you well.” And immediately he recovered his sight and followed him on the way.
Eternal Blue Skies above Panama City Beach Florida
one of my latest crazes is Facebook. Several friends had encouraged me to use that as a tool to stay connected during this rough season in my life and its been a huge help to me.
I have strengthened old freindships, maintained a few friendships long distance and been introduced to some new friends...one of them is Vinny Flynn. He is a well known writer speaker and musician, best known perhaps as the patriarch of a very talented family and for his devotion to the Divine Mercy and Eucharistic Adoration. Here is a Facebook posting of his that really spoke to me recently
During Adoration this morning, the words of a song kept popping into my mind — “divinely and eternally loved” — the final words of one of the songs on my daughter Erin’s CD “Through the Darkness.” I can never listen to this song without tears, partly because of the beauty and emotion in Erin’s voice and partly because of the lyrics themselves.
Today the final phrase really hit me, and I was flooded with the reality of it: “You are divinely and eternally loved.”
Here’s the reality: You are not an accident. You didn’t just happen, no matter what the circumstances of your birth. You were not merely born; not merely created. You were fathered — lovingly, personally formed in your mother’s womb by God, who wanted you to be born, wanted you as His child.
There were millions of other human persons who could have been conceived through the union of your mother and father, each with his or her own completely unique DNA. Your parents, of course, couldn’t see all the possibilities and choose the one they wanted. But God could — and did.
Quite simply, you exist because God choose you, from all the millions of others who could have been born. You are — at the very least — “one in a million.” As Pope John Paul II wrote in his “Letter to Families,” “Parents, as you beget children, never forget that God wanted them born.”
That’s why abortion is always wrong, even in cases of rape and incest. No matter how unexpected, inconvenient, dangerous, tragic, or even violent the circumstances may be, one reality is always the same: from all the millions of possibilities, God chooses the child He wants born. And when God chooses to give life to a child, He also chooses to love that child forever, one-on-one, in a different way than He has ever loved any other child.
I have 7 children and (at last count) 23 grandchildren; and I do not love them all the same. I love each one differently and have a different relationship with each one. The more I get to know each one, the more unique that relationship becomes, and I can truthfully say to each, “I love you differently than I have ever loved anyone else.”
This is the way God loves you. When you can put aside all distractions and concerns and focus exclusively on God — in other words, when you become present to Him who is present to you — you will find yourself loved in an entirely unique way. It’s as if no one else exists at that moment — just you and God. You are His entire focus, the delight of His heart.
This then, is what it means, first of all, to be “divinely and eternally loved: to be chosen and set apart from all others in the heart of God.
What else does “divinely loved” mean? It means you are “thrice” loved. There is no separation in the Trinity. As St. Faustina expresses it, “Whoever is in communion with One of the Three Persons is thereby united to the whole Blessed Trinity, for this Oneness is indivisible” (Diary, 472). At every moment of your life, you are being held in the loving embrace of three divine Persons: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
How do divine persons love? Unconditionally. Not based on behavior, but on relationship. God doesn’t give or withhold love depending on how you act. There is nothing you have ever done or could ever do that can make God stop loving you. You don’t have that power. You can’t change God. He is always loving you, always wanting the best for you. The things you think and say and do don’t change Him; they change you. They either draw you closer to Him and His love, or they pull you away from Him so that you can’t feel or respond to His love.
“Eternally love?” It means that this personal, one-on-one, unchanging love of God for you is not bound by time. He knew you and loved you before He formed you in your mother’s womb, and His love for you will never end.
And James and John, the sons of Zebedee, came up to him and said to him, “Teacher, we want you to do for us whatever we ask of you.”And he said to them, “What do you want me to do for you?”And they said to him, “Grant us to sit, one at your right hand and one at your left, in your glory.”Jesus said to them, “You do not know what you are asking. Are you able to drink the cup that I drink, or to be baptized with the baptism with which I am baptized?”And they said to him, “We are able.” And Jesus said to them, “The cup that I drink you will drink, and with the baptism with which I am baptized, you will be baptized,but to sit at my right hand or at my left is not mine to grant, but it is for those for whom it has been prepared.”And when the ten heard it, they began to be indignant at James and John.And Jesus called them to him and said to them, “You know that those who are considered rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them.But it shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all.For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
Autumn Surrounds the Sanctuary, First United Methodist Church Bella Vista AR
You Are My Refuge
With my voice I cry out to the Lord; with my voice I plead for mercy to the Lord. I pour out my complaint before him; I tell my trouble before him.
When my spirit faints within me, you know my way! In the path where I walk they have hidden a trap for me. Look to the right and see: there is none who takes notice of me; no refuge remains to me; no one cares for my soul.
I cry to you, O Lord; I say, “You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.” Attend to my cry, for I am brought very low! Deliver me from my persecutors, for they are too strong for me! Bring me out of prison, that I may give thanks to your name! The righteous will surround me, for you will deal bountifully with me.
Belief and New Birth~ A Reading for my Spiritual Birthday
Salt Grass at Noon Cape San Blas FL
God,whose goodness is not exhausted, whose mercy is not emptied out whose knowledge does not fail whose power can effect what You will: Whence shall I ever be able to get back life who have thus been driven desparate by my sins? For if you are angry against sinners, at least kind Lord, you are accoustomed to give counsel to those who plead with you Teach me O Lord, Whence I ought to hope so that I can pray For I long to pray to you but I neither know how because of my ignorance nor am I able to because of my hardness And I am forbidden to do it by dispair because of my sins
I seek for something that will excuse me and there is nothingthat does not accuse me I seek for someone who will pray for me and I find whatever exists is against me I seek for someone to have mercy upon a wretch and all that has being opposes the wretch
Jesus Good Lord Why did you come down from heaven, What did you do in the world to what end did you give yourself over to death unless it was that you might save sinners?
Saint Paul what did you teach? when you were passing through this world? God and his apostles and you most of all invite us sinners to faith you show us this as our only safe refuge How then should I not hope if I believe this and ask in faith How can this hope be frustrated in me if that faith does not fail me from which it was born?
John said to him, “Teacher, we saw someone casting out demons in your name, and we tried to stop him, because he was not following us.”But Jesus said, “Do not stop him, for no one who does a mighty work in my name will be able soon afterward to speak evil of me.For the one who is not against us is for us.For truly, I say to you, whoever gives you a cup of water to drink because you belong to Christ will by no means lose his reward.
“Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him if a great millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea. And if your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life crippled than with two hands to go to hell, to the unquenchable fire. And if your foot causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life lame than with two feet to be thrown into hell. And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into hell,‘where their worm does not die and the fire is not quenched.’For everyone will be salted with fire. Salt is good, but if the salt has lost its saltiness, how will you make it salty again? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with one another.”
The very God who seems to be tormenting us is the one who truly loves us, the one we can trust without reserve. The deeper we go into the dark night of the uncomprehended God and trust in him, the more we will discover him and will find the freedom and love that will carry us through any and every dark night.” Ratzinger (Pope Benedict XVI), God is Near Us, p.47
There have been many Dark nights in the six years since My Wide Blue Seas was born... First conceived as a rant blog against the huge issues we struggled against as Woody and I tried to cope with the culture, customs and predudices of our life in Hawaii. MWBS evolved into a personal/news blog then as we made the crossing to the Mainland, it changed again to a personal journal.
It has been a huge wonderful vehicle for self expression. I have made many new friends, and gained a wider perspective on the world and learned a lot about many things...The numbers dont matter much but I still think its amazing that nearly 80,000 people have stopped by, that I have written more than 1500 posts, intersected with countless lives...I am awed and amazed. Thanks for stopping by, for reading my posts and posting your kind comments. You bless my life continually
The light on the hill, St Stephen's Catholic Church, Bentonville AR
I love this group... Third Day was the sound track for my time in Louisville, seems like they are the local fave band and I know they do get a lot of airplay on the local Christian Top 40 stations... Daily as I have trudged uphill inwardly through all of this I hear this song in my ears... A MWBS first, my first YouTube embed
Well, I know that there are some of you that wondered what happened to me, trust me I was wondering if I would be able to get back to blogging. I guess I had just run out of things to say. I also frankly have begun to feel like there are lurkers that check in on my life this way but dont take the time to pick up the phone and talk to me... The silence encouraged contact...for those of you that didnt call that have my number... dont bother...
I am well. I actually have two posts started on the two incredible jobs I have had since Labor Day, and rather than write about them now I will save them for another day.
My silence started three weeks ago when I realized that I had come to an end... I had no money, I had run out of food, Abi was sick, my utilities were going to be turned off, my insurance was canceled I had no prospects for anything. I froze up, and found that I couldnt face the world, with my Jesus smile on my face... I couldnt fathom what I was going to do or what I should do... so I stayed home suddenly on a Sunday morning, stayed in my jammies with the doggie and prayed, read the Word and leaned on God, asking God to give me the strength to face whatever it was I needed to face. The future looked really bad...
I know the truth, the God takes care of us. We are required to meet Him where He wants to meet us, that is not necessarily half way, sometimes it is 1/100 th of the way, but we need to do whatever it is that He wants us to do. I didnt know what that was until the next day. I was walking in the rain working on finding leads for my insurance work. I was lightly dressed and had a jacket on and I felt like I did 30 years ago... before I was married to the Engineer...when I walked aimlessly in West LA with my gay friends through some pretty mean streets. Hopeless and pretty lost feeling... flash forward I was hungry and cold and wondering if this was my future... There are a lot Believers living that way right now...OK God I thought I can do this if I must, as long as You are with me...
I received a phone call about an hour later from a friend asking me to do him a favor... as it turned out it was going to cost money... Not a lot of money, not enough to even register in this person's mind that "Hey, maybe she cant afford to do this for me..." But I didnt have two bucks of change left in my ashtray to get a burger...but at that point I said nothing, I waited and got the object he wanted mailed to his friend ready to mail off... When evening came, I told him via email that I hadnt the money for the project...and my phone rang...how much did I need...and please tell him what the situation really was like... which I did. He gently told me that I would receive and envelope from a mutual friend at a small group meeting we both attended the next day and I was to use what I needed to mail off the package and put the rest in my gas tank... The envelope was discreetly passed to me the next morning and there was just enough to pay UPS for the package and fill up my van with much needed gas...
In the same way I heard from a friend at church who is in management there, she was concerned that I was sick with no one to look after me... Well I told her the truth...that I just couldnt face it anymore... I am battle weary and worn out, and needed a day to just stop... She said that she didnt know how I had managed to stand up and face my situation day in and day out the way I have... and stay sane... I told her that sanity is debatable but I am still here, but... I was really in trouble and not sure what to do next. I told her my situation...There are services that can help me but they are very limited, and families are served first because the limited amount of aid goes to help more people. I shared with her that I swore I would never ask the church for help, but I didnt have anyone else to ask, my family has impossible conditions for me to meet, I have been unsuccessful in getting any sort of public assistance...
So the church got my power,phone water and car insurance caught up. I also have done some clean up work for several events held there that has brought in much needed income, that helped me pay the rent. They provided a gift card for a local market. Another friend sent me 100.00, which I have used to keep my van filled with gas. I received a bag of food for Abi...how did they know I was out of food for her? A Food Package was purchased in my name and given to me last week, things feel a bit easier..
Humbling myself before the church seems to be a key that has unlocked a huge door. I got two weeks work at a local water company... payment posting mostly but a wonderful small office with down to earth people that were just plain encouraging to be around day in and out. Then out of the the clear blue sky, a man with a local consulting firm called me. He had a 10 week plus assignment with Wal Mart.com, in fraud prevention. I have fininshed my first week and feel like this may be it, the permanant job I have been praying for. I feel very at home here and while this is very entry level and the pay reflects that, I know that God has guided me into this, and He will provide, I need to just trust Him and do my very best every day. There is the possibility they will need me after the Holidays, or that I will be able to get into another department. Walmart is not hiring here in the Home Office just now but seasonal work often leads into full time if there are openings...
Another tunnel that seems to have a light is my quest to join the Catholic Church. I had two horrid weeks at St Bernards, in their RCIA. These folks mean well but are not educated, and were not gifted in the teaching dept. It was about as interesting as watching grass grow... So a friend invited me to her church in Bentonville. They have a new priest who is a delightful man, very learned and teaches the classes himself. He is willing to work with me.. do anything needed to facilitate my entrance into the Church, and is very supportive of my continuing to minister at FUMCBV..."after all" Msgr Scott said..."its not a big leap, is it?" No its not... especially with St Stephens being what can only be described as very Contemporary with Praise and Worship music in the services, a crucifix with Jesus alive and in a posture of worship, arms raised, and a "read your Bible and witness to others" message at the Eucharist... Are we in a Baptist Church or what? Seriously, I sense a warmth of spirit and a potential for fellowship that hasnt been present before.. This is also a younger church full of young families and single people... who knows maybe I will meet Mr. Wonderful there... we never know... I just know that I have found a home there and perhaps this is the start of something big in my life...
And so there is a bit of light. I am not holding my breath, but walking forward in hope One Day at a Time, keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus the souce of my faith and provision..
The Tower at Twilight StStephen's Church Bentonville AR
How Green is my Valley, Little Portion Retreat Center, Berryville, AR
Psalm 31
O Lord, I have come to you for protection; don't let me be put to shame. Rescue me, for you always do what is right.
Bend down and listen to me; rescue me quickly. Be for me a great rock of safety, a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me.
You are my rock and my fortress. For the honor of your name, lead me out of this peril.
Pull me from the trap my enemies set for me, for I find protection in you alone.
I entrust my spirit into your hand. Rescue me, Lord, for you are a faithful God.
I hate those who worship worthless idols. I trust in the Lord.
I am overcome with joy because of your unfailing love, for you have seen my troubles, and you care about the anguish of my soul.
You have not handed me over to my enemy but have set me in a safe place.
Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am in distress. My sight is blurred because of my tears. My body and soul are withering away.
I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness. Misery has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within.
I am scorned by all my enemies and despised by my neighbors- even my friends are afraid to come near me. When they see me on the street, they turn the other way.
I have been ignored as if I were dead, as if I were a broken pot.
I have heard the many rumors about me, and I am surrounded by terror. My enemies conspire against me, plotting to take my life.
But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, "You are my God!"
My future is in your hands. Rescue me from those who hunt me down relentlessly.
Let your favor shine on your servant. In your unfailing love, save me.
Don't let me be disgraced, O Lord, for I call out to you for help. Let the wicked be disgraced; let them lie silent in the grave.
May their lying lips be silenced- those proud and arrogant lips that accuse the godly.
Your goodness is so great! You have stored up great blessings for those who honor you. You have done so much for those who come to you for protection, blessing them before the watching world.
You hide them in the shelter of your presence, safe from those who conspire against them. You shelter them in your presence, far from accusing tongues.
Praise the Lord, for he has shown me his unfailing love. He kept me safe when my city was under attack.
In sudden fear I had cried out, "I have been cut off from the Lord!" But you heard my cry for mercy and answered my call for help.
Love the Lord, all you faithful ones! For the Lord protects those who are loyal to him, but he harshly punishes all who are arrogant.
So be strong and take courage, all you who put your hope in the Lord!
My Lord God.. I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing . I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this, You will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it.Therefore, I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for You are ever with me, and You will never leave me to face my perils alone...
Misty Morning, The water hazzard on the 10th fairway, The Legends at Indian Springs, Springhurst, Louisville KY
He Will Not Forsake His Saints
Fret not yourself because of evildoers; be not envious of wrongdoers! For they will soon fade like the grass and wither like the green herb.
Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday.
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices!
Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil. For the evildoers shall be cut off, but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land.
In just a little while, the wicked will be no more; though you look carefully at his place, he will not be there. But the meek shall inherit the land and delight themselves in abundant peace.
The wicked plots against the righteous and gnashes his teeth at him, but the Lord laughs at the wicked, for he sees that his day is coming.
The wicked draw the sword and bend their bows to bring down the poor and needy, to slay those whose way is upright; their sword shall enter their own heart, and their bows shall be broken.
Better is the little that the righteous has than the abundance of many wicked. For the arms of the wicked shall be broken, but the Lord upholds the righteous.
The Lord knows the days of the blameless, and their heritage will remain forever; they are not put to shame in evil times; in the days of famine they have abundance.
But the wicked will perish; the enemies of the Lord are like the glory of the pastures; they vanish—like smoke they vanish away.
The wicked borrows but does not pay back, but the righteous is generous and gives; for those blessed by the Lord shall inherit the land, but those cursed by him shall be cut off.
The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand.
I have been young, and now am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his children begging for bread. He is ever lending generously, and his children become a blessing.
Turn away from evil and do good; so shall you dwell forever. For the Lord loves justice; he will not forsake his saints. They are preserved forever, but the children of the wicked shall be cut off. The righteous shall inherit the land and dwell upon it forever.
The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks justice. The law of his God is in his heart; his steps do not slip.
The wicked watches for the righteous and seeks to put him to death. The Lord will not abandon him to his power or let him be condemned when he is brought to trial.
Wait for the Lord and keep his way, and he will exalt you to inherit the land; you will look on when the wicked are cut off.
I have seen a wicked, ruthless man, spreading himself like a green laurel tree. But he passed away, and behold, he was no more; though I sought him, he could not be found.
Mark the blameless and behold the upright, for there is a future for the man of peace. But transgressors shall be altogether destroyed; the future of the wicked shall be cut off.
The salvation of the righteous is from the Lord; he is their stronghold in the time of trouble. The Lord helps them and delivers them; he delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they take refuge in him.
Angels watching over me... the angel fountain at Mt Sequoya conference center, Fayetteville AR
"...What we all see now is history repeating itself. The only blessing this time is that there aren’t any children involved. Enough damage was done to you for several lifetimes. You refuse to see what is before you. Your attitude is one of martyrdom and denial, not recovery and survival. Hiding behind your religion is a sin. Waiting for God to rescue you, yet turning away offers that don’t amount to what you want or think you deserve is also a sin. Pride and a sense of entitlement is not recovery. Every time something goes wrong or not the way you have planned you blame it all on someone else. Faith is a foundation for building a life, you are using it as a crutch to continue limping through your misery just like your mother always did I know that if you’ve actually read to this point you’re angry. That’s OK. Maybe anger will drag you into reality. I’ve realized that my positive support has only enabled you to continue in your unhealthy delusions. I love you, I always have, I always will but I will no longer enable your self-pity. The offer of help is always open. We will never turn our backs on you. You are not alone, but like salvation, you must accept help to receive it...."
What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see. God gave his approval to people in days of old because of their faith. By faith we understand that the entire universe was formed at God's command, that what we now see did not come from anything that can be seen. So, you see, it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that there is a God and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him. Hebrews 11:1-3,6
Im probably going to get in trouble for writing this but I have found that sometimes communication by blog is more effective than an email...and of course, its my blog and if you dont like it dont read it...
I wasnt going to write about it. In fact I wasnt going to say anything at all. I found myself frozen in my soul at the verbiage that was tossed at me in these two emails received from a family member that I have opened up to trusted and believed understood me... I know that she loves me and means well but it is very obvious that she sees me thought the dirty lenses of a past that I didnt have much to do with. I feel too that getting this out will help me to free myself from the shame and blame that I seem to be shackled with by people that I care about.
Two weeks ago I was feeling very low and I sent off a email to this relative. I tried to express the fact that I feel that she has come a long way and no matter how bad her life was she still had the consolation of her sons,her parents, our extended family, and now her husband, who I do think is a great guy and I totally respect his stepping out to start a business ect.... where as I dont have that support at home and feel very alone. I have been though a lot in the past few months and wished that I had had kids to focus on. Yes it would have been harder but I wouldnt be alone...I would have a living part of myself beside me. Treasures, your kids are, even if they are not doing as well as you might want...
We have all fired off an ill conceived email, one that is not clearly written or written in haste. Sometimes the repercussions outweigh anything that was written, or tweeted or facebooked...Well this one brought up a back blast that I could not have dreamed would have happened. She feels that I have rejected her, slapped her in the face verbally and somehow demeaned the family that is "trying to help me" ( I havent gotten a play by play on how this "help" is supposed to work. I kinda think this might be part of the problem, I dont understand what "help" they want to give me, that I have somehow rejected...) That I am ungrateful, sick,blame everyone for my problems, and floundering in a past I left behind a long time ago, was the thrust of the entire message.
I have not put out there the portions of the email that scathingly detailed how the family came to the aid of my family as my father was waiting for Social Security Disability...it took three years to get that. I was 7-9 and obviously had no decision making ability with regards to what my parents did or didn't do. In fact neither did she, as we are the same age. What this was was an attempt to hurt me with a weapon that she knew would hurt me, the shame I feel when I think of my life growing up, in a church where because my Dad drank at all, and both of my parents were to a degree Bi-polar, we were looked down upon, and actually called the "church basket case family". Imagine living with that moniker attached to you?... I think that was really low...And it shows a huge misunderstanding of what our day to day lives were like. While our lives were certainly not Ozzie and Harriet, or even normal, the situation was not stereotypical either. We had good times and bad, happy and sad times, and we laughed a lot. My father was a sad drunk. Not an abuser, not a wife beater...just sad... His mental illness made it impossible for him to hold down a job, as the medications he took only partially helped him cope. So he drank to self medicate. Now, He promptly surrendered his monthly checks to my mom, and didnt rush off to a bar and spend it all on himself. He cared, in a way, that we were provided for, which is more than most drunks do. There was an option my mother could have tried, she could have joined Al Anon, as she was encouraged to do. She could have stopped buying him booze but she chose not to do that and enabled him. Her choice not mine. But I had food and a roof, and security. Things I do not take for granted today with my situation like it is... Yes, My mother clung to her religion all right but she was a schemer and a conniver as well. She was not willing to live within her means, and would spend in excess of her bank account, then expect a bailout. It was embarassing. I swore that I would never live that way and for the most part I have done that. She professed a faith but in practice she plotted and planned every stinking thing, if it didnt go her way she forced it. This is a true sign of Codependency, and she was one to the inth degree.
She learned this control thing from her mother who I believe was married to an alcoholic who got saved and gave up the bottle... Perhaps her grand parents were drinkers or some sort of impaired individuals, I will never know, what I do know is this, control was the name of the game and while we didn't have the boundaries we should have had in a lot of areas, we had some interesting house rules that color my affairs even today.
All of that being said, I am aware of my mother's issues. Her issues are not necessarily my issues. I have my own issues, they are all I am responsible for. I have a Program and daily I chose to work it, with varying degrees of sucess. I have lived a strong armed sobriety for 20 plus years. that isnt the best way to do that. I want to learn to Live and Let Live by faith and grace this time... One thing I am doing that she never did is trying to live One Day At A Time. Not allowing myself to worry so much about the future. I am concerned of course, that is what drives me out to look for work or something I can put my hand to to earn a living. God promises in His Word that he will give me my daily bread. That is Faith, not denial of reality. By chosing to stay chemically clean and sober, this means no alcohol, drugs, either perscription or street kine, I choose to live and feel all of my emotional pain and learn to deal with it in a orderly fashion. And I am doing it. That isnt denial, that is living a tough reality. I dont need Speed to wake up, a cocktail to wind down, and a downer to sleep. I need to get up when the alarm goes off, get my butt into the shower, and get the heck out there, its going to be a great day, and if its not fake it.
Because the alternative is not acceptable.
One sad thing is that when I answered the email. I cced several of my mother's sisters as well. I wanted to thank them in a public sense, for the love and concern that they showed me and mine during my younger years..I thought that if they had something to say they would at least acknowledge it...Not a thing. Truth is that if they cared they would contact me. For the mmost part, I am the one that tries to contact them... I dont blame them, they hardly know me. But that is the point isnt it? I have longed to be a part of the family, but for that to happen there needs to be a two sided communication, and that hasnt happened, not by phone, letter, email or facebook. I think its really sad.
Consequently, I feel alone. That is a feeling that I think is valid. Perhaps the reason now is that I need them more than ever, but they are afraid that like my Mother, who begged for extra money from every hand that would give it right up to the end, that I am the same way. Well, Im not. From the time I was out on my own till today I have stood on my own two feet, worked my butt off and asked for nothing from anyone. Now for the first time in my life, I am out of work, and facing homelessness, and asking for help. Not for a lifetime, but only until I get work and you can bet your sweet life that EVERY penny would be paid back. I dont want to be beholden to anyone. In truth all I want is work, I dont need to be taken care of, I dont need a money manager. I have lived on 12,000.00 since December with the few days of work I have gotten thrown in. Up until this month all of my bills and creditors were paid to date. I stuck it out here and got my house sold and the foreclosure off of my record. I think I am a damn good financial manager, what I am not is a good mate selector. And we have all been there as well.
So now that I have written my manafesto, I need to say one thing. I am tired. Its been a long haul to get to this point. I have done it while trying to muster up as much courage, dignity and grace as I can.I am responsible for whatever I did to get myself into this position, mostly loving and trying to live with someone that was not capable of empathy, and lived a secret life. I live with my mistakes and have tried to make amends where I can. From California to Hawaii to NW Arkansas and perhaps other places I have made the Journey. I have as Paul said, "fought the good fight.." there are a lot of times I want to lay it down and not get up. But I get up. I have over the past two years considered suicide as an option... Well I am still here...and living life "Just For Today" is helping me to get through that.
If belief in A God Who Sees is denial, then I am in denial. If faith that God will care for me in any fashion He chooses is a sickness, then I am sick. If living in the hope that God hears our prayers is being foolish, then I am a fool. I know that God is going to provide for me, I hope through a job in the next week. But until He chooses to do whatever he is going to do, I will try to keep the faith and trust that angels are watching over me...
Summer thunderhead over the First United Methodist Church Bella Vista
For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.
How long will all of you attack a man to batter him, like a leaning wall, a tottering fence? They only plan to thrust him down from his high position. They take pleasure in falsehood. They bless with their mouths, but inwardly they curse. Selah
For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Selah
Those of low estate are but a breath; those of high estate are a delusion; in the balances they go up; they are together lighter than a breath. Put no trust in extortion; set no vain hopes on robbery; if riches increase, set not your heart on them.
Once God has spoken; twice have I heard this: that power belongs to God, and that to you, O Lord, belongs steadfast love. For you will render to a man according to his work.
I was stunned when I got the call from the agency that sent me to the job last week. I was not to return, the company was going in a "different direction", and they expressed concerns regarding my typing skills. So I went into the agencies office and discussed this whole thing. It turns out that my boss who had been out much of the week came back to see that I was not very well trained and was not compleating the work in a "timely manner" so it must be my typing skills. He was viewing a "stroke counter" a program that tells the viewer what a person has typed. Its a way to monitor the use of the computer and the internet. It doesnt take into account the time I spent in gathering the information that was place into the fields, not does it take into the account the fact that the company system was very counter intuative a required memorization of every operation... When the agency called it turned out that the gal that was training me showed me only part of what was expected so I didnt meet expectations. There is no turning back. I feel a bit like I have been sabataged. This must have been a sudden decision as they has assigned me a desk and gave me keys to the building the same afternoon. It makes no sense to me or to the agency. My gal at the agency went to the office saw the desk and the few things that I had left there,and brought them to me. She says its all very odd, very strange all around.
I am feeling very let down but yet, it was going to be a hard climb there. All of the operations positions there above what I was doing are treated like brokerage positions. This means you are paid on comission, and have a quota. I was really surprised at that, because you have to cover all of the loads on all of the lanes and you can choose which ones you work but if loads on lanes that lose money arent covered the department is in trouble. One of the girls was complaining that she was the only one doing this dirty work and she was losing money... I found myself dreading the dog eat doggedness of that situation.
I know that there are friends of mine that will say..."see see you were too negative and lacked gratitude and God didnt bless this." I have a number of friends that believe in the "Law of Attraction" ie The Secret and the Course In Miracles. However, I think that this was the wrong job for me. I can only pray for better. The gal at the agency said I was the third person they have sent in and only one has done ok not great but ok. He works the 6 pm to 6am shift, and that is what they were going to ask me to do and I physically cant do that night work. I think that and the fact that I am not a person that will stay content as a data entry clerk for very long were the real issues.
I told the lady at the agency that I was very willing to do that job for as long as I needed to... that being faithful in the small things was very important to me and that it was unfortunate that my trainer barreled into my new boss and told him how experienced I was and that I should move up right away...(I cautioned the gal to stop doing that...yikes...)She had issues and perhaps I didnt get the training I should have but I had no way to know that. Who was in charge? the supervisor sat next to us...if I wasnt doing well why did he tell me that he thought I was doing a good job, and why didnt he correct my trainer... I arrived on time, didnt abuse break or lunch times and did the work assigned to me. Where I come from that is what you do the first week on a job. There was no orientation, no tour and no meeting the other employees... I just feel like this was screwed up...
I wonder if those around me think I dont try hard enough. I do try, and have been willing to do a lot of things to turn a buck. I am feeling a bit confused and demoralized, but Monday is the start of a new week and I will look at the bright side. I was able to attend a great AA meeting this morning. The weather was lovely for the day out...Yesterday it was like we needed to get an ark built, it was raining so hard!
I am not in control of others I am only in control of myself. I feel that I did my very best, I can only hope that I can get settled soon. I am putting the ideas I am working on in my sessions and from Al Anon, and choosing to not make any decision making until I really need to make those choices. That is putting the idea of One Day At A Time into practice to me...
A New Trail.. The new walking trailhead at the Little Golden Gate Bridge, Bever AR
Today I will do something that is good for me, even if it feels uncomfortable...Self discipline is self caring... M. Scott Peck
Today's title came form a on line logistics publication I read...I thought it summed up what I lacked yesterday when I wrote my last post.
Well, I went into work today, The sunrise was gorgeous. I have missed this part of NW Arkansas, the beautiful sunrises and sunset. Working night shift meant being in a building before sunset and asleep at dawn... It was very early, but I have been rising at five or earlier for much if the time I have been back from Louisville. Abi , seeming to know this was a big day, woke me at 430 am wrapping her tiny front legs around my face and gently kissing me with tiny licks.So adorable. I repositioned her for a gentle belly rub as I prayed against the fear in my guts...
I was afraid. Afraid of the transition. Afraid to believe that this really is finally going to happen. And afraid that I would fail... The doubts are real. The awareness that I am making an investment that may not pay off for a long time. I dont know how I will make it financially, but I will trust that the Jesus that multiplied a small boys lunch into food for 20,000 people, can make a miracle in my financial life.
I was placed into the hands of a delightful gal, for training. It is her opinion after the first day that I am destined for bigger things than the job that I would be starting at and not to worry. The firm is a growing concern. I knew that, its one of the reasons I worked for free that day, just to get into the door. I can only pray that I impress them and that they want to keep me on there.
I figured out the amount that I will need to make to qualify for an apartment in the complex nearby that I was wanting to move into. When the time comes that is what I will ask for and tell them why. Its a reasonable amount for my expertise and skill level. This moving would be an advantage to them because it would be a 5 minute drive to work. It is good for me because I would be close to the local Mall/Shopping Area, and 15 minutes to Fayetteville, the University and the social life there that is missing for me up here in Bella Vista. But the 60 mile round trip is easy highway driving, and walking Abi this afternoon after a summer shower, the forest here was so beautiful.. Will be hard to choose... Frankly I may not get to choose, Mr House Owner may put the place back on the market and it will be sold out from under me, I wouldn't blame him. The market is heating up. I just need to be ready to make a change and not fuss too much about it. I have enjoyed living here and it has been a good place for me to be. But I will lose a lot if I leave here and if I move it should be closer to my work so I can be more centered in the community. I think commuter culture is one of the reasons we all dont know anyone, not even our neighbors. I would certainly miss people at my church and the ladies I am getting to know at my Al Anon meetings, but I would plug into a younger more diverse church, and there are meetings daily in and around the area
I found the people very friendly, the work is exacting but I sense a real team mentality not like thisplace where you were expected to do what was on your list and no one pitched in to help you and woe to you if you screw up. It is ultra casual jeans and tee shirts mode. I can wear jeans every day, that is helpful as I bought more casual clothing, expecting to be in a workshop environment at this point. I heard over and over how glad people were to be there. I didn't sense the stress and upset I have seen in transportation firms before. This could truly be a great experience. I need to relax let go and let God direct this.
Please pray for us. Abi had a lovely time with her doggy sitter Diane. I know she will miss her next week, but Auntie Barbara across the street may come in if she is here. Her daughter is struggling with cancer and is not doing well and so there may be other priorities for her in these coming days. I have left her before for a whole day and her crate is very large. She is well and shows no sign of her illness last week.
Thank you for praying and for your encouragement. We are not out of the woods yet but I feel like there was a light shown at the end of this long dark tunnel. Im walking forward, armed with the most critical of information. That God is with us and His love never fails
Naaman, commander of the army of the king of Syria, was a great man with his master and in high favor, because by him the Lord had given victory to Syria. He was a mighty man of valor, but he was a leper.Now the Syrians on one of their raids had carried off a little girl from the land of Israel, and she worked in the service of Naaman's wife.She said to her mistress, “Would that my lord were with the prophet who is in Samaria! He would cure him of his leprosy.”So Naaman went in and told his lord, “Thus and so spoke the girl from the land of Israel.”And the king of Syria said, “Go now, and I will send a letter to the king of Israel.”
So he went, taking with him ten talents of silver, six thousand shekels of gold, and ten changes of clothes.And he brought the letter to the king of Israel, which read, “When this letter reaches you, know that I have sent to you Naaman my servant, that you may cure him of his leprosy.”And when the king of Israel read the letter, he tore his clothes and said, “Am I God, to kill and to make alive, that this man sends word to me to cure a man of his leprosy? Only consider, and see how he is seeking a quarrel with me.”
8But when Elisha the man of God heard that the king of Israel had torn his clothes, he sent to the king, saying, “Why have you torn your clothes? Let him come now to me, that he may know that there is a prophet in Israel.”So Naaman came with his horses and chariots and stood at the door of Elisha's house.And Elisha sent a messenger to him, saying, “Go and wash in the Jordan seven times, and your flesh shall be restored, and you shall be clean.”But Naaman was angry and went away, saying, “Behold, I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call upon the name of the Lord his God, and wave his hand over the place and cure the leper.Are not Abana and Pharpar, the rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? Could I not wash in them and be clean?” So he turned and went away in a rage.But his servants came near and said to him, “My father, it is a great word the prophet has spoken to you; will you not do it? Has he actually said to you, ‘Wash, and be clean’?So he went down and dipped himself seven times in the Jordan, according to the word of the man of God, and his flesh was restored like the flesh of a little child, and he was clean.
Hoku:Dont you think this is wrong? When I went and worked that day for free we talked about this. You said that my doing that would not reflect in the compensation that I would receive should they hire me. Now They want me to come, work a 3 12 hour day 6 to 6 and ever other Saturday, possibly overnights which we NEVER discussed and they only want to pay 8.00 per hour, with no shift differential? I made twice this on my last freight job and worked a regular day...They pay better at Mc Donalds....
Temp lady: This is a Fortune 500 firm Forbes says they have the best benefits and promote from within. They will raise you to 10.00 after 90 days and give 5 percent raises...
Hoku: I have to drive 40 miles each way, and you cant eat benefits. I know these people and am very disappointed with them and with you. You are taking advantage of my situation, how desperate I am, and frankly Im shocked...
Temp Lady: But you will go?
Hoku: Do I have a choice?
I dont have much choice. I need some money, soon. I am out of savings and dont have anything left. Abi got sick this week after surgery and my cash for the lights and phone went to the vet. Do I regret that or her no way. I love her and was so frightened that I was going to lose her like my Annabelle that I would have moved heaven and earth to help her. I wont be able to access any services to help me financially due to the times I need to be at this job. I will continue to look and will take interviews and even long term temp work closer to home.
It was a rollercoaster week last week. Once I got home I went right to interviewing. I have signed with a insurance company to sell employer benefits. I also went to meet with a firm that was from a contact by our pastors new husband. They are 60 miles away below U of A in Fayetteville, so I would try to make arrangements to move asap should I get that job...but...the owner of this homspun trucking company is trying to get his debt refinanced and should he not be able to he will be closing his doors. I think that is a dead end as well.
I am thinking seriously about what I should do. I paid my rent this month and will be unable to do that again, until I get caught up. I need cheaper digs but cant move till I have a job. Next month I have two months lights and phone. I am taking the cable box back, and Abi and I are going to eat the cabinets bare before we go to the store again. They are pretty bare now.
The Insurance guy said that you work leads filing yur imaginary bucket... You have to call so many leads till the bucket is full. The spill over is sucess... in whatever you are doing. I feel like I have done that with job hunting. The bucket is spilling over I just need to keep on until something more beneficial spills into my lap. I have invested so much time and effort in seeking work, that there must be some payoff sometime. People are calling me for temp work...people are praying for an end to my personal nightmare. But I know that a lot of other people are suffering as well.
I am retooling my resume for another head hunter with ideas and I will be going to this job and doing my best to be the best employee they have got. I want to be faithful in the small things. Perhaps there is a payoff in the end
“Give ear, O heavens, and I will speak, and let the earth hear the words of my mouth. May my teaching drop as the rain, my speech distill as the dew, like gentle rain upon the tender grass, and like showers upon the herb. For I will proclaim the name of the Lord; ascribe greatness to our God!
“The Rock, his work is perfect, for all his ways are justice. A God of faithfulness and without iniquity, just and upright is he. They have dealt corruptly with him; they are no longer his children because they are blemished; they are a crooked and twisted generation. Do you thus repay the Lord, you foolish and senseless people? Is not he your father, who created you, who made you and established you? Remember the days of old; consider the years of many generations; ask your father, and he will show you, your elders, and they will tell you. When the Most High gave to the nations their inheritance, when he divided mankind, he fixed the borders of the peoples according to the number of the sons of God. But the Lord's portion is his people, Jacob his allotted heritage.
“He found him in a desert land, and in the howling waste of the wilderness; he encircled him, he cared for him, he kept him as the apple of his eye. Like an eagle that stirs up its nest, that flutters over its young, spreading out its wings, catching them, bearing them on its pinions, the Lord alone guided him, no foreign god was with him.
The Gift of Living Water, A water Sculpture given to Little Portion Retreat Center Eureka Springs AR
God chose us before the world began, gave us unique talents and gifts, to bring glory to Himself, and these gifts uniquely fit us for the work He has for us. God is outside of time. He looked at this time and inserted us into the timeline. He brings everyone of us into the world for a specific purpose. We can work with Him, to cooperate in our own sanctification and the sanctification of others we come into contact with. That is our call, to be what God has called us to be, wherever we are, to bring glory to Him... Johnette Benkovic the Abundant Life Show EWTN
I was mindful of this concept all week long as I spent quiet time with God, with a select group of individuals, and before the Blessed Sacrament, finding my place, my bearings after these tumultuous two years...for it has been two years since I set foot on MORE mountain near Eureka Springs....
I was contacted regarding a retreat based on a book written by John Michael Talbot, that was put together rather suddenly. No one had signed up to come to the previous weeks retreat, which is highly unusual, in fact this current weeks retreat has a waiting list. I replied that I couldn't afford to come, and the weeks lodging and retreat was gifted to me...
Dawn over the valley, and the city of Berryville AR
What a wonderful thing, a total blessing in every way. Not only a place, but a private room close to all of the action I could walk out onto a breezeway and flop on a deck chair and this was the view. Like a cruise ship on a hilltop. I so needed this time to just BE. So I found lodging for Miss Abi and drive the beautiful drive Weds afternoon up into the Ozark mountains, past the beautiful places that I have not seen in so long.
There were two priests, four pastors, including two UMC women pastors, and several people deeply involved with ministry,within their respective churches...but I learned a darker truth, that each and every person participating in this special weekend had a huge burden, from one of the ladies struggling with advancing MS...(she drove by herself from MA., three days driving alone in a van, that is determination, she knew she needed to be there)How about thes ladies from New Brunswick, Canada, who, because french is the first language for them, mistakenly bought tickets to Little Rock and took a cab from there to the retreat, 400.00 of cab fare... to a man who had his family removed from the home over a misunderstanding, a priest trying to decide if her should leave a community he has been a part of for a long time, or accept the challenge for finishing his ministry, yea his very life is a place he loves but has no community with... to a war vet struggling with many issues, and of course our speaker, John Michael Talbot, and the never ending struggle he has with money and red tape with regards to the rebuilding of the monestery, and the care of his flock... and myself, who perhaps has had, to them, a very long and painful ordeal, but much of it has gone undealt with until recently.We were all there for a healing , for a Word and for hope that God would hear us and come and meet us there.
My prayer was that I would learn to choose to not think about the past, it was to be a Woody and Mr. Wonderful free weekend. This was seconded by the retreat mistress, a manager/housemother/ladies spiritual advisor, who got me to confess my difficulties almost on arrival. She agreed to hold me accountable. She would ask me quietly about it during the six days... I also made a big discision that affects my security but would prolong my relationship with him. That door effectively closed, I hope that God will honor that step of faith and my willingness to forgo the comfort of that "ace in the hole..."
I was marginally sucessful. I found during the course of the conversation that both of these people came up as they have been such a huge part of my life...but in my private moments I made every effort to banish thoughts of these two, to focus on myself and my relationship with God and those around me, and am ok with the results... Truth is this exercise has helped lessen the pain somewhat.
I also have a very limited amount of money and time left to find a job, or a vocation with a place to live. My vision was to try to get beyond the dollars and cents, and focus on the idea that I am God's child it is HIS responsibility to provide for me. I need to be willing to do what ever it takes to take advantage of what He provides
The Worship Leader John Michael Talbot leading worship at a session in Ressurection Chapel
The sessions were wonderful, we talked about who St. Francis was and what Franciscan spirituality is about. The basis of the retreat was his book The Lessons of St. Francis There was a session of Q and A and several meditation exercises that I found helpful. But truthfully I think I found the comraderae of fellow seekers, people that chose at the spur of the moment, to be there and take part in the gathering most helpful and supportive in this trying time in my life. I found myself enjoying everyone I met, and feeling like I am not alone in my feeling like I am living cornered in a no win situation. As I got to know these men and women in sharing meals and down time on the breezeway, in daily chanting of the Divine Mercy Chaplet, and other prayers, and suprisingly, in serving them. I realized that I was neither guest or member of the community but something else and put myself at the disposal of the Retreat Mistress, who had me setting up prayerbooks for the twice daily prayers of the Divine Office, which were better attended than I had ever seen at any other retreat I have attended.
Under Construction Charity Chapel rising from the ruins Little Portion Hermatage Berryville AR
Normally the high point of the retreat weekend is a trip to the Hermataige and a celebration of the Vigil Mass with the full community. I remember the first time I was a part of this, and was so totally blown away by the power and enthusiasm of the worship... mind you this is a Catholic Mass... I now anticipate this time with great expectation.
Because the community chapel is under reconstruction, the residents of the community drove up to the retreat center where we crowded into the Chapel of the Ressurection and fired up the Band ie John Michael. We did songs that I knew well and I just threw myself into the whole experience. The homily was given by by Father Phil a retreatant, and basically John Michael gave an altar call not just for a Christian recommitement but also a plug for those in attendance to consider affiliating with the community. He doesnt normally do this but as he said this group felt like a commuity from the first moments we were all together, it was so amazing... As one man shared with me...he had been seeking the love of a family his whole life...he felt like he had found it there at Little Portion... I think he is right. We witnessed a tremendous move of the Spirit including a healing work where one of the Domestic Sisters who has a gift of healing started to move through the group laying hands on us, and as she prayed many of us knew the secrets of some of the others as we had prayed privately together, but Sister knew and the healing work was manifest and I can vouch for the authenticity of the work. I feel much stronger and I am going to need this in the days to come
Giving a Blessing Fr Lambert Leyhorn OFM at 81 years young, off to bless the new Stations of the Cross at the retreat center. He is temporarily acting as spiritual leader of the community while discerning if he should move from San Antonio to Arkansas full time
I looked into John Michaels face, we had talked breifly earlier and other's had been encouraging me. I saw the face of hope in the midst of great uncertainty. I looked around me and saw hope "in the breaking of the Bread". I was challenged to offer to God everything I think is unworthy...my brokenness, my grief, the lonliness and longing for security... all of the trials that I know have passed through the hands of my Loving God, and go forward... and live in the little portion promised to me by my Father in Heaven.
I have made the decision to pursue full communion with the Church. I feel free to do that now. I also presented myself as a candidate for the postulancy of Domestic Expresion of the Brothers and Sisters of Charity. I will remain in my own home and join in when I can in the community activity. I will join a cell group here locally, and perhaps this will make up for my leaving the Emmaus group.For the long term this will bind me to a loving covenant community. I am excited about this and look forward to becomming more and more involved with this.
I have returned form the mountain, and already have run into serious difficulty in both personal and financial issues. Please pray for me and the other retreatants as we move into living out what we leaned in our time on the mountain.
The Bell Tower, where I often sat to pray and think
Summer Streams Little Sugar Creek, near Bentonville AR
Restore Our Fortunes, O Lord
When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion, we were like those who dream. Then our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with shouts of joy; then they said among the nations, “The Lord has done great things for them.” The Lord has done great things for us; we are glad.
Restore our fortunes, O Lord, like streams in the Negeb! Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy! He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.
Go very slowly, very quietly, from one duty to the next, taking time to rest and pray between. Do not be too busy. Take everything in order. Venture often into the rest of God and you will find peace From 24 Hours A Day by Richmond Walker with a hattip to Scott at Attitude of Gratitude
I saw this on Scotts blog, which I have been reading. This man has worked his program and I have admired that for a long time. As I enter my second week of solitude.. True solitude because while I have my friends at church and I love them, and I know that they care for me, I dont feel that there is an anchor for me to hold me to anything, wither it be person place or institution. However, I love this area and I am hopeful that a job will come through soon
I am really trying to go slowly, not get to far ahead of myself, not dwell on the past, and not worry that perhaps I will run out of money, get kicked out of this house before I am ready to leave, or that I will finally give up like so many people have done in this town Sam Walton built.
I have spoken to Woody, he is contentedly parked at his boyhood friend's spare room, tending Jim's dog, while Jim and his nephew are in Stockholm, where the Jim's elder brother and father of the nephew is spending his second year in diplomatic service there. Woody got a new phone number, which frees me to change my phone number and plan. I am looking to reduce my overhead and if I dont get a job I will have to stop all payments to anyone, eating and a/c, gas and Internet are my core needs. I dont think I will be thrown out of my house tomorrow.
I have had great interviews this past week, but I saw at several of the places the dozen or so other people interviewing for the same twelve dollar and hour job. That is what is so difficult I think, but I keep plugging.
I worked a tough job for minimum wage last week. Its something Ive done before, but every time I do it they agency pays less and less... Call Walmart stores to see if they have received promotional shipments and what did they do with them. The agency called 30 people to get the three they got to work this for 7.25 per hour. The finalist were a lady so disabled she could barely walk into the building., a young man who lost his first job 6 months ago and his parents felt he wasnt doing enough to find work so they threw him out and he now sleeps in his car... and myself. I found myself consoling him that I understood his pain, as Dawn, the disabled lady consoled me with a little Bible study and prayers from her church in the Missouri countryside.
I have been attending an Al Anon meeting and reading literature. I see the point, and how I really am in need of this help. I am hopeful that I will make new friends and learn more and more ways of making change within myself. How I would have been so much better if I had gotten this kind of help sooner...or even understood tha this is what I needed.... I know that I have a lot of culpability in how things went down, that while Woody was certainly the problem, I wasnt helping him and especially myself living like a madwoman... and that my life emotionally has been totally unmanageable.
There have been some challenges, some misunderstandings, and moments where I had to make a decision that others might think crazy but I know are the right thing. For example the insurance company issued a check for 900.00 for some damage the was repaired. My name was on the check, and yes the money would have really helped. I feel that Woody should have reembursed me for the money taken by the bank in the spring, but he feels that he was entitled to everything from the sale of the house and all of this money as well. I could be begging on the street and he feels that is justice for all I have taken from him. I signed the check over and deposited into his personal account with friends at the bank saying that it was not right....I can only trust that God will provide for me everytihing that I need.
Case in point, last week I got an invitation to come to Little Portiion Retreat Center for a week of discernment, and to spend some time with John Michael Talbot in retreat. They are comping me the room, and my vet is comping me boarding for Abi... I am having her spayed while I am gone, so I wont have to worry about her going into heat when I am not able to deal with that.I received a half price coupon for the NWA Animal Rescue people. I know her breeder feels she should be a year old, but I see that all of her teeth are coming in she is old enough now. I am so greatful for this time away. My "people" are working on jobs for the following week and I will have internet acess for email checking while I am there. I have planned to clear my mind and not think about Woody or Mr. Wonderful during the time there..
My counselor has really gotten on me about my about this emotional affair and thinks that much of my deep depression is due to that and to my missing him. She is likely right. He haunts me and at times I feel rediculous and at other times I really want to just die for the wanting of him. Its becuse I put off this grieving over it and I need to just settle down and do it... So I am praying for a release from that bondage freeing both him and I for a new phase in our lives. Its a process. She feels this is actually more binding than my marriage to Woody, that I am more emotionally tied to this person. I am facinated by this whole thing and horrified at the same time... So I am praying and going to try to clear my mind... I am thankful that Abi makes me get out of bed in the morning...
Speaking of Abi... I think she is getting to be a very pretty girl. I find that I dont take as many pictures of her because she never stops moving! so few of the ones I take come out clear... Monings are our favorite time, she has come to love sleeping with me and is so cuddly sweet in the morning I dont want to get up and start the day!
My life is more and more becomming a venture of living a life of Aloha. I am more and more trying to live one day at a time one hour at a time.. The life of Aloha...It is a process and a culture I want to develope within myself... it is my goal
The Prayer Garden, at Little Portion Monestery, of the Brothers and Sisters of Charity, Berryville AR This garden was lost in the great fire of 2008 and will be replanted once the monestery is rebuilt
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
Better days Woody and I on the farewell tour of Hawaii Polynesian Cultural Center Laie Oahu Hawaii 2005
...That's not to say that we know nothing about the future, because we do. Before you and I close this book and call it a day, I thought you might want to know how it all turns out. After all, life leaves us in the dark about so many things. When we're little, we think we know what we want to be when we grow up, but when we are grown, many of us no longer have a clue. We walk down the aisle, and make promises "till death do us part..." but God only knows who will part first. Our babies take their first steps across the floor just to get to us, but we have no idea where life will take them. Or if they'll still like us when they get there. We're dianosed with a cronic diseases and coldly told the survival rates, but we have no clue where our numbers fall in those statistics We watch world news and squirm with the fresh realization that a sound mind isn't necessarily a requirement for becomming a world leader. We wonder how in heaven's name some maniac hasnt lost his mind and blown up the planet yet. We blow dry our hair and wonder if we are contributing to global warming. If we live long enough, and stay lugged in enough, we end up asking the same question our parents and grandparents asked: "what's the world coming to?" We shake our heads like no one has any idea. "
From the book " Get Out Of That Pit!" by Beth Moore Thomas Nelson Pub. 2007
Woody left this morning for California. Check in hand for the proceeds of the house. He has a good chunk of change. I wish him well. On saturday I met him at the estate sale people's place. We both received envelopes with tallies. My total was for far less than I had hoped. My heart sank as I looked at the total.I gave up a lot of stuff, good stuff and got pennies on the dollar for it. I had hopes that there would be funds to fix my car and to have Abi spayed, to go to the doctor and to perhaps buy a few new peices of clothing so I dont look like a scarecrow when I interview. Frankly it really doesnt matter. I need what God gives me. I have given it my best shot and now I need to really focus on finding a job and finding a way to care for myself and for Abigail. I also need to gather myself and really set my heart on the things God wants for me above all else.
Woody is ... such a mess. He has had several falls in the last week or so. He looks like he was rolled in a parking lot for his wallet. Black and blue, skinned knees, black eye. He has called me as usual but has had little to say. It is really over now. Even the shouting is done. As we walked away from the place he stopped me and promised he would call as he made the drive so I wouldnt worry.He gave me a cursory peck on the cheek, and walked to his car and drove off. I know he is angry about things, bitter towards me and the drinking is taking a huge toll. Now that I know what to look for...
I stood there for a moment and thought about the losses I have suffered. Woody, Mak and Nani, our home, our life such as it was. But the biggest loss to me is hope. I spent so many years hopeing for better, begging God to help us. Trying to love Woody to figure out how I could be a wife when so many things that a wife normally does to give aid and comfort to her husband were not acceptable to him. I am still at a loss to say why he married me, why he stayed married to me, and what he truly feels or ever felt. It is a mystery and one that will haunt me to the end of my days.
Looking at the empty house a few days ago, remembering the joy of its discovery and my hope that this would be the end of our journey and that we could enjoy a real life together...not perfect but peaceful and content. I know what happened and that it was my discontent that effected the change... Truly I must admit that was and is a good thing. The person that showed me this huge darkness and gapeing hole in my life left me for his new life sometime ago, but just knowing him as a friend showed me that there is more to this life than what I have experienced. He challenged me to let Woody go, to find my joy again, return to ministry and to allow God to deliver me from despair and bitterness... He was right. I live in such a poverty of soul that it frightens me to think much about the past few years. I am hard pressed to think about how I will get out of this mental/spiritual pit, but I am starting to work on that. It is my hope that soon I will be able to look back and see that this was just a dark valley, a time of germanation under the ground...a death that brings forth new life...
And like a play, you have entrances and exits. This play in three acts...act one called California, act two called Hawaii and act three called Arkansas is over... Woody has followed his script and exited stage left...I am sitting alone again, just as I was December 14,1993, in a pool of light on the stage of life, leading worship, working in the trucking business, closer to God than ever... this is how I am reframing my life now. I will do better than survive this time. It is my fondest wish that I find answers to the deepest questions of my life. I will work the Program, and I will strive to get well. I will accept what is, forgive and let go of what can never be, and detach from what I cannot change and is no good for me. Its a long and difficult road ahead...
And so it goes, this is now "the rest of the story"... my story continues on one day at a time.
O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.
Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.
Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God! O men of blood, depart from me! They speak against you with malicious intent; your enemies take your name in vain! Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord? And do I not loathe those who rise up against you? I hate them with complete hatred; I count them my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!
Father of Heaven as You came to Peter and the other disciples late one stormy night on the Sea of Galalee to quell the storm to restore calm
Quell the storm that rages in my soul
Take away all fear and anxiety Fill me with you peace Grant that this trial May bring me closer to God For You, God, are my strength my hope and my song.
Blessed in Your Name always Father, Son and Holy Spirit Amen and Amen
Eagle Has Landed~ The 40 Year Anniversary of the Apollo Moon Landing
Lift Off Apollo 11, Photo courtesy of NASA archives
102:45:47 Aldrin: Mode Control, both Auto. Descent Engine Command Override, Off. Engine Arm, Off. 413 is in.
102:45:57 Duke: We copy you down, Eagle. 102:45:58 Armstrong (on-board): Engine arm is off. (Pause) Houston, Tranquility Base here. The Eagle has landed.
102:46:06 Duke: (Momentarily tongue-tied) Roger, Twan...(correcting himself) Tranquility. We copy you on the ground. You got a bunch of guys about to turn blue. We're breathing again. Thanks a lot.
They werent the only ones turning blue. We in my household were also parked in front of the tube, watching the flickering black and white picture as history was made and for us a difining moment in our family and the end of life as we knew it. My father had already been laid off from NASA and NAA, his employers and his dark night was to take on a deeper shade of grey
Planting the flag on the lunar surface Courtesy NASA archives
Every year on this day I write about my family. Not on their birthdays or holidays...this day because this was the day that transended all and defined us, certainly it shaped us. In the sacrifices of never having him at home during those earliest years. The financial depravations we suffered, and outright hardships endured, as my father underwent a massive breakdown as he watched his lifes work unfold in that screen. He was permanntly disabled mentally due to the stresses and overwork of that effort. The familial pain and outright neglect by both of my parents as they struggled through formed me and even now I am struggling to deal with some of these issues 40 years and two failed marriages later.
I am not going to retell the story but rather point you to some of my past posts
I saw the three Apollo astronauts today on Fox plugging the Mars mission effort. I am looking forward to seeing how things turn out with that.
I want to thank anyone and everyone that was involved in that effort that was such a great acheivemnt 40 years ago, that changed all of our lives forever. The technology developed for man's leap into space, touches every facet of all of our lives. Very little of todays basic convieneces would be around if not for the "space race" of the 1960's. Perhaps the way out of this recession is investment in a future effort in space, rather than the investment in AIG.
And to my Dad, who while wasnt the father I needed or he wanted to be, was pasionate about this effort. It captured his imagination and took him... this barely educated but briliant aircraft line worker, into a career beyond his dreams. I understand more today the destructive power of anger and unwillingnes to forgive and how it can ruin your life. It destroyed him. I pray for the repose of his soul, and ask God to forgive for my lack of forgiveness towards him. I pray that I too will have a landing soon at a Tranquility Base, where I can begin a new adventure of my own
tropical Skies over Hawksnest Ravine Metfield Bella Vista AR
A family friend told me that verse was read by Charlie Duke at the Houston Mission Control off microphone while the LEM was positioning for landing on the lunar surface. It is very appropriate for tomorrows anniversary
Though you soar aloft like the eagle, though your nest is set among the stars, from there I will bring you down, declares the Lord.
The Hale Pau'ana Huakai...The House At the End Of The Long Journey...certainly the place where the journey ended for Woody and I.
Neither of you can return to the house...by the time we are done with the sale no beds or furniture will be left it will all be sold to the bare walls.Both of your items are laid out side by side... It would not be fair to either of you if you came in when we arent here... The lady running our eastate sale pronounced to me...
The house is sold, the insurance company is paying to put a new roof on, and the neighbors have pitched in to help Woody clear away the accumulated grime of the neglect of months...I tried to start on it myself, and found that my grief, my disappointment and frankly overflowing anger and hurt did not allow me to do much... Woody parked on his ass watching golf while I tried to vacum with a wand that was only three feet long... I think he wanted to see me struggle with that so I would be stooped over in a groveling position. We ended up shouting and I heard for the upteenth time that I only am to him the sum of our accumulated wealth...which he has squandered and blames me for the situation we find ourselves in, he had only to look around at our treasures amidsts the filth... the gold amidst the trash... Our dream home, our dream life in ruins, It was never real because you only have life if you make it...living on the largesse of others is not living... You never go anywhere if you dont work for it. It was a life... but I was the only one driving it, and without the help of a partner wanting to go in the same direction, it was bound to crash.
Aloha my Popoki Makoa and KaNani...
If there are two creatures that have suffered through the desperation of our separation and divorce its Mak and Nani. I saw them a few days ago and they were in terrible shape. Overweight, matted and claws so overgrown that they are having surgery in the coming days to fix their feet and relieve the pain. Their new caregiver is their vet, who is going to try to find a good home for them... why dont I take them...because I may very well need to move soon and that could mean couch surfing, living in a small apartment, or living at a friends home. Abigail has a home with her breeder as long as I need to leave her there... Mak and Nani have been astranged from me since 2007 when I broke my foot. They became afraid of me then I worked nights and went to Louisville. They have forgotten I am their mom...the one that took them out of the cardboard box in the Hilo Famer's market, fretted over them and cried for them as we flew from Honolulu to Houston. Now they hiss when I try to go near them, and their mats are so deep that their skin is sore, so petting is unpleasent and hurts them. I know that things will be better for them any place but where they were
I didnt see them off today, as I was working... but I trust that Woody loves them and will do whats right for them...Its all I can do.
My Chinese desk symbolic of my business and my time in Hawaii
I took my things, including this fragile desk and related peices to the estate liquidators who salivated over it. I believe over half of the stuff that I brought here to Peartree was returned to the house for the sale. I filled the space in the house with something else, and its ok. The extra space is good... the money will be good and the letting go of something that will not make another journey intact... very good. My style has changed. My life has changed. A sleeker, more streamlined look, easier to clean and manage is more appropriate for me. The fabrics,patterns, books of my former domestic life, where I danced, made costumes and all of my own clothing has come to an end for now. It needs to be sold while it still has value, and here in quilting sewing heaven it does! All of the equipment I purchased for my aborted business is being looked at by jewelry pros in the area that are game to try at what I have no nerve to do now. I am letting go of that dream so I can change my life for the better. I have a plan now and if I can get a job soon I will be ok... selling this stuff will buy me time to get under way.
I am also letting go... so what is left of ME will stay intact. Woody is an alcoholic he confrims it by his loud denials and running around the neighborhood finding out if I have "talked" behind his back. I know that he is moving on, headed to a couch, and a job in California and that this is God's plan for me. I wish it could be on good terms.
But I fear that this will not be the case. I have yet to meet a drunk that refused help and still cared about his/her confrontor. Either your beloved drunk gets help, or you need to get going. My mother stayed for 30 years with my Dad. She had her reasons, but I am not going to do that and didnt do that. I also dont have to stay defeated either. Yes, I am going to my first meeting tomorrow night, and yes I am going to get well, whatever that means. If it means sleeping on a friends couch for a bit OK. It may mean 30 days at NW Arkansas Womens Shelter, that could be a good experience... If it means moving 1000 miles south I will do that. If it means uncertainty while I wait on God, and learn the true meaning of faith, I am committed to doing that.
I felt torn asunder this past weekend...I think today...thats a good thing. Its a finality that needed to happen. The Sundering, all of us going our separate ways frees me for what God has for me next. Abi and I are waiting, praying and hoping...
The New Journey is just beginning....
Woody in our backyard with my beloved Annabelle when she was three months old two years ago August 2007
Psalm 18:1-3,6,16-19,25-28,30-32,35-36,46,49~Praise To God In Time of Trial
Summer Pastures Carroll County Arkansas
A Psalm of Praise
I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies.
In my distress I called upon the Lord; to my God I cried for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears.
He sent from on high, he took me; he drew me out of many waters. He rescued me from my strong enemy and from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me. They confronted me in the day of my calamity, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me.
With the merciful you show yourself merciful; with the blameless man you show yourself blameless; with the purified you show yourself pure; and with the crooked you make yourself seem tortuous. For you save a humble people, but the haughty eyes you bring down. For it is you who light my lamp; the Lord my God lightens my darkness.
For who is God, but the Lord? And who is a rock, except our God?— the God who equipped me with strength and made my way blameless.
You have given me the shield of your salvation, and your right hand supported me, and your gentleness made me great. You gave a wide place for my steps under me, and my feet did not slip.
The Lord lives, and blessed be my rock, and exalted be the God of my salvation—
For this I will praise you, O Lord, among the people, and sing to your name.
The Stranger I Married Woody at Springfield Plantation, Mississippi
Started 7-02-09
When I did open my eyes, it was because I had to. And the man who showed me the truth was a fellow sufferer and a layman. Through him,I saw at last, and I stepped from the abyss to solid ground, knowing at once that my feet were on the broad highway if I chose to walk. ~Bill W with a hat tip to dear Scott at Attitude of Gratitude
My week this week has been one of surrender and discovery... of break through and heartbreak...and truthfully I feel more clear minded than I have in a long while. Like Brother Bill I feel like I have gained a footing and can walk if I choose...
It began a week ago, Woody came to the cottage to see little Abigail (little Ha! shes a whopping 6 pounds and a sturdy little piglet and goes into a frenzy when he comes over.)I have been struggling trying to stay positive in the face of criticism that I myself am somehow to blame for my situation. I have looked hard at my spiritual state not just now but in the past when I for want of a better word, cursed Woody for his weakness, his lack of...backbone... his neglect of me and our needs. Even as the foundation of our lives crumbled he would look me in the eye and say no to any sort of attempt to look for a job or seem to care. I know that I came to a place of speaking death rather than life into the situation, that only hurts myself. Now I find that everything that I ever wished on Woody is befalling me. I have repented and know that God will help me...
I was surprised at Woody's visit but even more surprised when he told me that he had been thinking a lot about my relationship with a mutual friend, and that with the recent disclosures of the Governor of South Carolina and his.."soul mates" ahem... that he felt he would ask... since there was a time in my life when I preferred married men to all other possibilities, had I crossed the line with this married man?...
No... the answer is no. In my heart...well... the heart wants what it wants and I have been hard pressed to deal with it at times... This has been a long struggle. In December of 2007 I wrote this piece about my struggles with my thought life. Its a hard road especially with my emotional life so barren. And with life harder and harder its been easier to indulge this. I know for a fact that the feeling is mutual with this person in a vague sort of way. I can tell and so could Woody the last time the three of us were together in the same place. I am not sure why he asked and was even more surprised that my little pet sin was so obvious to the guy who is a self described empathetic mud puddle... about that deep and that murky... Frankly I never thought that he paid that much attention to the deeper parts of my life... The gentleman in question took a new job a while back and moved his family hundreds of miles away. We talk once in a while but likely I wont see him again. Do I think God is in this? You betcha... For all of our sakes...
The next day was Sunday. Rev Sara did a bang up job, but Pastor David was very much missed. People only mentioned it in a hushed whisper. People want to do the right thing and life will go on... I came home and thought a lot about this whole situation. My situation with unemployment and divorce and the whole mess. I felt a distinct change in my church community as it tries to ajust to regime change and new set up. It added to my sense of loss and confusion...add Woody's questions and well...
I couldn't wait to unload all of this on my counselor Susan... who has been patiently waited for me to tell all someday... she got the whole story... A story that she had been waiting for for weeks...My emotional affair, that is crushing the life out of me because when you cant really have your Beloved the stress and pain can be overwhelming. For me the thought that I could actually feel something for someone, I felt alive... But in truth its like these young people that cut themselves with razorblades pathologically, It damages you even as you "feel" something. I think the worst thing is that it takes you out of the present and you cant live in the moment while doing this. And if you go too far it becomes adultery according to Our Lord... I never thought about this situation that way before.
So I left Susan with homework to practice speaking forgiveness, to three people in particular. First Woody, then Mr. Wonderful, for innocently egging me on in my day dreams, and mostly for myself... Truly this had a great effect almost from the beginning. There was a bit of a formula and I used that every time I thought of it. This was a great thing and I found it really helped. I would get to put it to the test in 72 hours
Both Woody and I are preparing for an estate sale, we both have gone through all of our things and selected what we want to keep and the rest will be sold. Woody is selling 99 percent of what he possesses I am hauling over about 1/3 of my stuff. But because most of the stuff I am selling is small and practical I may make more that Woody selling the beautiful furniture of our Hawaiian Dreamtime.
One thing we hadnt done was go through all of our personal papers sorting throwing out and dividing up. We talked about things that only the two of us know about here. I will miss that. I am losing the only person that knows about a large part of my life, our mutual history. Out time in Calvary Chapel, out time in Hawaii, no one else knows about our struggle...
Woody and I talked about my situation and then out of the blue he said he had something that he needed to share with me but first he sent me to the refrigerator to get a soda... I opened it up...
It was full of bottles of hard liquor. I took the soda out and opened the freezer door... There were more in there. Super cold, so you can drink it straight out of the bottle if you want... I was horrified.
I closed the door and went back into the dining room. Woody looked at me and said "I have a mistress..." I said "Well, how is that going?" He said "OK"... I said "You can get help for that..." "I dont want any help, I want to be left alone..."
As you all know... I have 100 questions about our marriage. About why things were the way they were. If you take most of those questions, and answer the question with "alcohol addiction"...it makes perfect sense. Our financial problems, Woody's peculiar behavior, his lethergy and sloth. His not being able to keep a job and no one wanting to hire him. The reason he never let me see the bank statements for his personal accounts....The reason he didnt want me around... wanted me to go to Louisville and not to return...
I forgave him. I forgave the suicidal mayhem he has unleashed on himself. He takes anti depressants and is diabetic. This is why they cant get his meds stable and why his sugar is sky high and they want to put him on the needle. His weight is going down but he is getting bigger... That is his liver distending... How did I not see this...
Because the wife is the last to know.
7-4 I spoke to him tonight. He admitted to drinking till he passed out but he only did that because he thought I had been in the house and done some stuff... Truth is that he had a blackout and didnt know what he had experienced. I am concerned about him, but the first thing I must do is to let go. I encouraged him to get help and changed the subject. If he is powerless over alcohol, I am powerless over his choice to misuse it and that is the beginning of my recovery. It going to be a long process but I am ready to begin, even if he is not, Its my journey to make, and walking in forgiveness, in Aloha is the way I am going to make it, one day at a time....
I know that you are struggling with your own demons and I understand the pain of that. My only wish is that we had more time and that we had perhaps had the benefit of counseling. But neither of use were ready for that. Perhaps it is best that things lie where they will
Happy Birthday, my friend, for no matter what has happened, you are still counted as my friend. It has been a hard long road especially this last year
“When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne.Before him will be gathered all the nations, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats.And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the left.Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world.For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me,I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink?And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you?And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’
“Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels.For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink,I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.’Then they also will answer, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?’Then he will answer them, saying, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”
Anoint my heart with the oil of Your mercy, my most merciful Lord. May neither anger against the strong nor scorning of the weak ever erupt in my heart! For everything is weaker than the morning dew. May hatred never make a nest in my heart against those who plot evil against me, so that I may be mindful of their end and be at peace.
Morning Cloudscape Panama City Beach FL
Mercifulness opens the way to the heart of all creatures, and brings joy. Mercilessness brings fog to the fore, and creates a cramped isolation. Have mercy on Your merciful servant, most Tender Hand, and reveal to me the mystery of Your mercy. The Ultimate Man is the child of the Father’s mercy and the Spirit’s light.
A dancing hermit crab, at low tide. Panama City Beach FL
All creation is merely a story about Him. The mighty suns in the heavens and the smallest drops of water in the lake can in themselves be one part of the story about Him. All the builders of heaven and earth, from the exceedingly mighty Seraphim to rulers and the tiniest particle of dust, tell the very same story about Him, their fore-essence and fore-source. What are all the things on the earth and the moon except the sun in stories? Truly, in this way all visible and invisible creation is the Ultimate Man in stories.
Wind Swept Salt Grass, Cape San Blas, Fl
Essence is simple, but there is no end or number to the stories about essence. My neighbors, how can I tell you about essence, when you do not even understand stories. Ah if you only knew how great the sweetness, the expanse, and the strength are, when one reaches the bottom of all the stories—there, where the stories begin and where they end. There, where the tongue is silent and where everything is told at once! How boring all the lengthy and tedious stories of creatures become then! Truly, they become just as boring as it is for one who is accustomed to seeing lightning to hear stories about lightning.
Evening Seas Sunset over the Gulf Panama City Beach FL
Receive me into Yourself, O Only-Begotten Son, so that I may be one with You as I was before creation and the fall. Let my long and weary story about You end with a moment’s vision of You. Let my self-deception die, that would have me think that I am something without You, that I am something else outside of You. My ears are stuffed with stories. My eyes no longer seek to see any display of clothing but You, my essence, overladen with stories and clothing.
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